Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better

Assertiveness can help you control stress and anger and improve coping skills. Recognize and learn assertive behavior and communication. By Mayo Clinic staff Being assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others. Being assertive can also help boost your self-esteem and earn others' respect. This can help with stress management, especially if you tend to take on too many responsibilities because you have a hard time saying no. Some people seem to be naturally assertive. But if you're not one of them, you can learn to be more assertive. Why assertive communication makes sense Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it's an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself, because you're willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you're aware of the rights of others and are willing to work on resolving conflicts. Of course, it's not just what you say your message but also how you say it that's important. Assertive communication is direct and respectful. Being assertive gives you the best chance of successfully delivering your message. If you communicate in a way that's too passive or too aggressive, your message may get lost because people are too busy reacting to your delivery. Assertive vs. passive behavior If your style is passive, you may seem to be shy or overly easygoing. You may routinely say things such as, "I'll just go with whatever the group decides." You tend to avoid conflict. Why is that a problem? Because the message you're sending is that your thoughts and feelings aren't as important as those of other people. In essence, when you're too passive, you give others the license to disregard your wants and needs. Consider this example: You say yes when a colleague asks you to take over a project, even though your plate is full and the extra works means you'll have to work overtime and miss your daughter's soccer game. Your intention may be to keep the peace. But always saying yes can poison your relationships. And worse, it may cause you internal conflict because your needs and those of your family always come second. The internal conflict that can be created by passive behavior can lead to:

Stress Resentment Seething anger Feelings of victimization Desire to exact revenge

Assertive vs. aggressive behavior Now consider the flip side. If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. You may appear self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people humiliate and intimidate others, and may even be physically threatening. You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want. However, it comes at a cost. Aggression undercuts trust and mutual respect. Others may come to resent you, leading them to avoid or oppose you. Assertive vs. passive-aggressive behavior Now consider passive-aggressive behavior. If you communicate in a passive-aggressive manner, you may say yes when you want to say no. You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs. You may have developed a passive-aggressive style because you're uncomfortable being direct about your needs and feelings. What are the drawbacks of a passive-aggressive communication style? Over time, passive-aggressive behavior damages relationships and undercuts mutual respect, making it difficult for you to get your goals and needs met. The benefits of being assertive Being assertive is typically viewed as a healthier communication style. Being assertive offers many benefits. It helps you keep people from walking all over you. On the flip side, it can also help you from steamrolling others. Behaving assertively can help you:

Gain self-confidence and self-esteem Understand and recognize your feelings Earn respect from others Improve communication Create win-win situations Improve your decision-making skills Create honest relationships Gain more job satisfaction

Some research even suggests that learning to be more assertive can help people cope with mental health problems, such as depression, anorexia, bulimia, social anxiety disorder and schizophrenia. Learning to be more assertive People develop different styles of communication based on their life experiences. Your style may be so ingrained that you're not even aware of what it is. People tend to stick to the same communication style over time. But if you want to change your communication style, you can learn to communicate in healthier and more effective ways.

Here are some tips to help you become more assertive:

Assess your style. Do you voice your opinions or remain silent? Do you say yes to additional work even when your plate is full? Are you quick to judge or blame? Do people seem to dread or fear talking to you? Understand your style before you begin making changes. Use 'I' statements. Using "I" statements lets others know what you're thinking without sounding accusatory. For instance, say, "I disagree," rather than, "You're wrong." Practice saying no. If you have a hard time turning down requests, try saying, "No, I can't do that now." Don't beat around the bush be direct. If an explanation is appropriate, keep it brief. Rehearse what you want to say. If it's challenging to say what you want or think, practice typical scenarios you encounter. Say what you want to say out loud. It may help to write it out first, too, so you can practice from a script. Consider role playing with a friend or colleague and ask for blunt feedback. Use body language. Communication isn't just verbal. Act confident even if you aren't feeling it. Keep an upright posture, but lean forward a bit. Make regular eye contact. Maintain a neutral or positive facial expression. Don't wring your hands or use dramatic gestures. Practice assertive body language in front of a mirror or with a friend or colleague. Keep emotions in check. Conflict is hard for most people. Maybe you get angry or frustrated, or maybe you feel like crying. Although these feelings are normal, they can get in the way of resolving conflict. If you feel too emotional going into a situation, wait a bit if possible. Then work on remaining calm. Breathe slowly. Keep your voice even and firm. Start small. At first, practice your new skills in situations that are low risk. For instance, try out your assertiveness on a partner or friend before tackling a difficult situation at work. Evaluate yourself afterward and tweak your approach as necessary.

When you need help being assertive Remember, learning to be assertive takes time and practice. If you've spent years silencing yourself, becoming more assertive probably won't happen overnight. Or if anger leads you to be too aggressive, you may need to learn some anger management techniques. If despite your best efforts you're not making progress toward becoming more assertive, consider formal assertiveness training. And if issues such as anger, stress, anxiety or fear are getting in your way, consider talking with a mental health provider. The payoff will be worth it. By becoming more assertive, you can begin to express your true feelings and needs more easily. You may even find you get more of what you want as a result.

Need stress relief? Try the four A's

Expand your stress management tool kit by mastering these four strategies for coping with stress: avoid, alter, accept and adapt. By Mayo Clinic staff When we feel the effects of stress weighing us down, it's like lugging a backpack that's becoming heavier by the minute. Too much stress can make life a difficult journey. When your stress level exceeds your ability to cope, you need to restore the balance by reducing the stressors or increasing your ability to cope, or both. Try using one of the four A's: avoid, alter, accept or adapt. Changing the level of your stressors Attempt to adjust the sources of stress in your life by avoiding or altering them. Avoid A lot of needless stress can simply be avoided. Plan ahead, rearrange your surroundings and reap the benefits of a lighter load.

Take control of your surroundings. Is the traffic insane? Leave early for work, or take the longer, less traveled route. Hate waiting in line at the corporate cafeteria? Pack your lunch and eat at your desk. Avoid people who bother you. If you have a co-worker who causes your jaw to tense, put physical distance between the two of you. Sit far away at meetings or walk around his or her cubicle, even if it requires some weaving. Learn to say no. You have a lot of responsibilities and demands on your time. At a certain point, you cross the line between being charitable and being foolish. Turn down the neighborhood sports league. Pass on coaching T-ball. Those around you will appreciate more time with a relaxed you. And you'll have time to enjoy them, too. Ditch part of your list. Label your to-do list with A's, B's and C's, according to importance. If it's a hectic day, scratch the C's from your list.

Just remember: A certain amount of avoidance is healthy, but some problems can't be overlooked. For those situations, try another technique. Alter One of the most helpful things you can do during times of stress is to take inventory, then attempt to change your situation for the better.

Respectfully ask others to change their behavior. And be willing to do the same. Small problems often create larger ones if they aren't resolved. If you're tired of being the butt of your wife's jokes at parties, ask her to leave you out of the comedy routine. In return, be willing to enjoy her other jokes and thank her for humoring you. Communicate your feelings openly. Remember to use "I" statements, as in, "I feel frustrated by shorter deadlines and a heavier workload. Is there something we can do to balance things out?" Manage your time better. Organize your day so that like tasks are lumped together group your phone calls, car errands and computer-related tasks. The reward of increased efficiency will be extra time.

State limits in advance. Be proactive. Instead of stewing over a colleague's nonstop chatter, politely start the conversation with, "I've got only five minutes to cover this."

Increasing your ability to cope For those cases in which the source of your stress can't be avoided or altered, try to adjust your ability to tolerate it. Accept Sometimes we have no choice but to accept things the way they are. For those times try to:

Talk with someone. You may not be able to change a frustrating situation, but that doesn't mean your feelings aren't legitimate. Phone a friend or schedule a coffee break. You will feel better after talking it out. Forgive. It takes energy to be angry. Forgiving may take practice, but by doing so, you will free yourself from burning more negative energy. Why stew in your anger when you could shrug and move on? Practice positive self-talk. It's easy to lose objectivity when you're stressed. One negative thought can lead to another, and soon you've created a mental avalanche. Be positive. Instead of thinking, "I am horrible with money and will never be able to control my finances," try this: "I made a mistake with my money, but I am resilient. I'll get through it." Learn from your mistakes. There is value in recognizing a "teachable moment." You can't change the fact that procrastination hurt your performance, but you can register the regret to make sure you allot more time in the future.

Adapt The perception that you can't cope is actually one of the greatest stressors. That's why adapting which often involves changing your standards or expectations can be most helpful in dealing with stress.

Adjust your standards. Do you really need to vacuum and dust twice a week? Would macaroni and cheese be an unthinkable substitute for homemade lasagna? Redefine success and perfection, and you may operate with a little less guilt and frustration. Practice thought-stopping. Stop gloomy thoughts immediately. Refuse to replay a stressful situation as negative, and it may cease to be negative. Reframe the issue. Try looking at your situation from a new reference point. Instead of feeling frustrated that you're home with a sick child, look at it as an opportunity to bond, relax and finish a load of laundry. Adopt a mantra. Create a saying such as, "I can handle this," and mentally repeat it in tough situations. Create an assets column. Imagine all of the things that bring you joy in life vacation, children, pets. Then call on that list when you're stressed. It will put things into perspective and serve as a reminder of life's joys. Look at the big picture. Ask yourself, "Will this matter in a year? In five years?" The answer is often no. Realizing this makes a stressful situation seem less overwhelming.

Choosing the right technique Stressors good and bad are a part of every life. Practice applying these techniques to balance your stress equation. With practice, that once-hefty backpack will become your private bag of tricks. Soon, you'll be able to pull out just the tool that will keep you hiking through life at a steady

Anger management: Expert answers to common questions

Anger isn't always bad. But if anger is handled poorly, it can be harmful. Check out these tips from a Mayo Clinic specialist on anger management and anger management classes. Anger itself isn't a problem it's how you handle it. Robert Zackery is a clinical social worker at Mayo Clinic, Rochester, Minn., who provides counseling and runs anger management classes. Here, he offers insights into the nature of anger, when it can be helpful, how to manage it, and what to do when you're confronted by someone whose anger is out of control. What is anger? Anger is a feeling of displeasure or hostility. In essence, anger is a warning bell that tells you something is wrong in a situation. Anger is an unpleasant emotion, but it's also a normal, healthy emotion. Anger is a natural response to perceived threats. Anger becomes a problem only when you don't manage it in a healthy way. Anger involves a few different components:

Your emotions. This component of anger involves feelings such as sadness, disappointment or frustration. Your body. Anger can cause physical signs and symptoms, such as muscle tension, increased heart rate and increased blood pressure as your body releases adrenaline the fight-or-flight hormone. Your thinking. How you think can cause or worsen anger, or it can help you cope with it in a healthy way. For example, your anger may be fueled by thoughts that the world is out to get you, or that your partner "never" does what you ask. A healthy response is to acknowledge that it's OK to be frustrated, and look for solutions instead of focusing only on what's wrong.

So it's not 'bad' to feel angry? No, being angry isn't always a bad or negative thing. Being angry can motivate people to listen to your concerns. It can prevent others from walking all over you. And it can motivate you to get involved with causes that you care about. It's not knowing how to manage your anger in a healthy way that's a problem. What causes people to become angry? People today are faced with multiple stressors bills, drugs, peer pressure, racial conflicts, health care issues, war. There's a lot of stress in society in general and in our personal lives as well. There are so many things to feel threatened about, and some people respond in a negative way. Most people don't just walk around feeling mad all the time. When someone explodes with anger, there are actually a lot of feelings behind that prior to reaching the boiling point. There's usually a triggering event something in particular that sets you off, such as a disagreement at work, being stuck in traffic or not being able to get through to an actual person on the phone. Your personal history feeds your reactions to anger. That's why some people react so angrily to certain situations, like losing a parking space, while others take it in stride. You may have built up years of feeling unheard, ignored, sad, frustrated or disrespected. Also, if you were taught that being angry is a

negative thing, you may never have learned how to express anger appropriately so your frustrations simmer and make you miserable, or build up until you explode into an angry outburst. What are common methods of handling anger, and which is the healthiest? There are two basic reactions to anger:

Expression. This is the act of conveying your anger. Expression occurs along a continuum, from having a reasonable, rational discussion to erupting into out-of-control violence. It's the difference between talking to someone calmly and physically assaulting them. Suppression. This is an attempt to hold in or ignore your anger. You may think you shouldn't be angry or that you'll lose control if you let yourself feel any anger. The danger in this passive approach is that you may not protect yourself when the need arises. You may also become passive-aggressive, where you don't express your anger assertively or directly but scheme to retaliate because you haven't learned how to express anger constructively.

Expressing yourself in an assertive not an aggressive manner is the healthiest approach to handling anger. Being assertive means that you state your concerns and needs clearly and directly, without hurting others or trying to control them. Can anger harm your health? Some research suggests that inappropriately expressing anger such as keeping anger pent up, seething with rage or having violent outbursts can be harmful to your health. Such responses might aggravate chronic pain or lead to sleep difficulties or digestive problems. There's even some evidence that stress and hostility related to anger can lead to heart disease and heart attack. When is professional help needed? Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Consider seeking help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret, hurts those around you or is taking a toll on your personal relationships. You might explore local anger management classes or anger management counseling. With professional help, you can:

Learn what anger is Identify what triggers your anger Recognize signs that you're becoming angry Learn to respond to frustration and anger in a controlled, healthy way Explore underlying feelings, such as sadness or depression

Anger management classes and counseling can be done individually, with your partner or other family members, or in a group. Request a referral from your doctor to a counselor specializing in anger management, or ask family and friends for recommendations. Your health insurer, employee assistance program (EAP), clergy, or state or local agencies also may offer recommendations. What can you do if you're confronted by someone whose anger is out of control?Usually, the most rational thing to do is to walk away. If you stay, the situation may escalate into violence. If leaving the situation is difficult or impossible, take reasonable precautions to protect yourself. Don't engage the other person in a manner that's likely to increase the angry behaviour.

Stress relief: When and how to say no

Sure it's easier to say yes, but at what price to your peace of mind? Here's why saying no may be a healthier option for stress relief. By Mayo Clinic staff Is your plate piled high with deadlines and obligations that you're trying to squeeze in between meetings? Are you trying to cram too many activities into too little time? If so, stress relief can be as straightforward as just saying no. Why say no? The number of worthy requests isn't likely to lessen, and you can't add more available time to your day. Are you doomed then to be overcommitted? The answer is no, not if you're willing to say no. It may not be the easy way, but it is a path to stress relief. Consider these reasons for saying no:

Saying no isn't necessarily selfish. When you say no to a new commitment, you're honoring your existing obligations and ensuring that you'll be able to devote quality time to them. Saying no can allow you to try new things. Just because you've always helped plan the company softball tournament doesn't mean that you have to keep doing it forever. Saying no will give you time to pursue other interests. Always saying yes isn't healthy. When you're overcommitted and under too much stress, you're more likely to feel run-down and possibly get sick.

Saying yes can cut others out. On the other hand, when you say no you open the door for others to step up. They may not do things exactly the way you would, but that's OK. They'll find their own way.

When to say no
Sometimes it's tough to determine which activities deserve your time and attention. Use these strategies to evaluate obligations and opportunities that come your way.

Focus on what matters most. Examine your current obligations and overall priorities before making any new commitments. Ask yourself if the new commitment is important to you. If it's something you feel strongly about, by all means do it. If not, take a pass. Weigh the yes-to-stress ratio. Is the new activity you're considering a short- or longterm commitment? For example, making a batch of cookies for the school bake sale will take far less time than heading up the school fundraising committee. Don't say yes if it will mean months of added stress. Instead, look for other ways to pitch in. Take guilt out of the equation. Don't agree to a request you would rather decline because of feelings of guilt or obligation. Doing so will likely lead to additional stress and resentment.

Sleep on it. Are you tempted by a friend's invitation to volunteer at your old alma mater or join a weekly golf league? Before you respond, take a day to think about the request and how it fits in with your current commitments.

How to say no
No. Nope. Nah. See how simple it is to say one little word, allowing you to take a pass on tasks that don't make the cut? Of course, there will be times when it's just not that easy. Here are some things to keep in mind when you need to say no:

Say no. The word "no" has power. Don't be afraid to use it. Be careful about using wimpy substitute phrases, such as "I'm not sure" or "I don't think I can." These can be interpreted to mean that you might say yes later. Be brief. State your reason for refusing the request, but don't go on about it. Avoid elaborate justifications or explanations. Be honest. Don't fabricate reasons to get out of an obligation. The truth is always the best way to turn down a friend, family member or co-worker. Be respectful. Many good causes land at your door and it can be tough to turn them down. Complimenting the group's effort while saying that you can't commit at this time shows that you respect what they're trying to accomplish. Be ready to repeat. You may find it necessary to refuse a request several times before the other person accepts your response. When that happens, just hit the replay button. Calmly repeat your no, with or without your original rationale, as needed.

Saying no won't be easy if you're used to saying yes all the time. But learning to say no is an important part of simplifying your life and managing your stress. And with practice, you may find saying no gets easier.

Spirituality and stress relief: Make the connection

Taking the path less traveled by exploring your spirituality can lead to a clearer life purpose, better personal relationships and enhanced stress management skills. By Mayo Clinic staff Some stress relief tools are very tangible: exercising more, eating healthy foods and talking with friends. A less tangible but no less useful way to find stress relief is through spirituality. What is spirituality? Spirituality has many definitions, but at its core spirituality helps to give our lives context. It's not necessarily connected to a specific belief system or even religious worship. Instead, it arises from your connection with yourself and with others, the development of your personal value system, and your search for meaning in life. For many, spirituality takes the form of religious observance, prayer, meditation or a belief in a higher power. For others, it can be found in nature, music, art or a secular community. Spirituality is different for everyone. How can spirituality help with stress relief? Spirituality has many benefits for stress relief and overall mental health. It can help you:

Feel a sense of purpose. Cultivating your spirituality may help uncover what's most meaningful in your life. By clarifying what's most important, you can focus less on the unimportant things and eliminate stress. Connect to the world. The more you feel you have a purpose in the world, the less solitary you feel even when you're alone. This can lead to a valuable inner peace during difficult times. Release control. When you feel part of a greater whole, you realize that you aren't responsible for everything that happens in life. You can share the burden of tough times as well as the joys of life's blessings with those around you. Expand your support network. Whether you find spirituality in a church, mosque or synagogue, in your family, or in walks with a friend through nature, this sharing of spiritual expression can help build relationships. Lead a healthier life. People who consider themselves spiritual appear to be better able to cope with stress and heal from illness or addiction faster.

Discovering your spirituality Uncovering your spirituality may take some self-discovery. Here are some questions to ask yourself to discover what experiences and values define you:

What are your important relationships? What do you most value in your life? What people give you a sense of community? What inspires you and gives you hope? What brings you joy?

What are your proudest achievements?

The answers to such questions help you identify the most important people and experiences in your life. With this information, you can focus your search for spirituality on the relationships and activities in life that have helped define you as a person and those that continue to inspire your personal growth. Cultivating your spirituality Spirituality also involves getting in touch with your inner self. A key component is self-reflection. Try these tips:

Try prayer, meditation and relaxation techniques to help focus your thoughts and find peace of mind. Keep a journal to help you express your feelings and record your progress. Seek out a trusted adviser or friend who can help you discover what's important to you in life. Others may have insights that you haven't yet discovered. Read inspirational stories or essays to help you evaluate different philosophies of life. Talk to others whose spiritual lives you admire. Ask questions to learn how they found their way to a fulfilling spiritual life.

Nurturing your relationships Spirituality is also nurtured by your relationships with others. Realizing this, it's essential to foster relationships with the people who are important to you. This can lead to a deepened sense of your place in life and in the greater good.

Make relationships with friends and family a priority. Give more than you receive. See the good in people and in yourself. Accept others as they are, without judgment. Contribute to your community by volunteering.

Pursuing a spiritual life Staying connected to your inner spirit and the lives of those around you can enhance your quality of life, both mentally and physically. Your personal concept of spirituality may change with your age and life experiences, but it always forms the basis of your well-being, helps you cope with stressors large and small, and affirms your purpose in life.

Stress management: Prevent stress setbacks

Stress has a way of creeping back into your life and making you miserable. These simple stress management strategies can help you keep stress at bay.
By Mayo Clinic staff You're getting a handle on stress management. Perhaps you've mastered new time management techniques. Or you've learned to control your anger under pressure. Congratulations! To keep stress under control for good, though, you need to make a commitment to using the stress management techniques you've learned.

Practicing stress management

Stress management isn't a first-aid kit you pull out only in emergencies. Rather, it's a set of tools you can use every day to deal with the big and little issues that arise. It's a good idea to keep your tools sharp and even to add a few to your collection from time to time.

Strategies for preventing setbacks

Stress is more likely to rear its ugly head if you're not taking care of yourself. So remember to put yourself first. These seven strategies can help you stay on course: 1. Make time for yourself. Just 10 to 20 minutes of quiet reflection may bring relief from chronic stress as well as increase your tolerance to it. Use the time to listen to music, relax, and try to think of pleasant things or nothing at all. If you feel your muscles begin to tense as you go through your day, take a minibreak: Breathe deeply, inhale to the count of six, pause for a second and then slowly exhale. 2. Exercise regularly. Exercise can help keep depression and anxiety at bay. Just 30 minutes a day benefits the body and mind. 3. Eat smart. A diet rich in fruits, vegetables and whole grains can give you more energy to keep stress under control. Don't be fooled by the jolt you may get from caffeine it'll wear off quickly. 4. Resist overcommitting. Rather than looking for ways to squeeze more activities into the day, find ways to pare them down. Remember it's OK to say no to new requests, so you can devote time to activities you're already committed to. 5. Be prepared. Anticipate challenges. Whether it's preparing for a project at work, planning a family gathering or handling a sick child, being prepared can help you face stressful situations with confidence. If necessary, set aside extra time to calm your frayed nerves.

6. Banish negative thoughts. If you find yourself thinking, "This can't be done," snap back to attention. Think instead, "This will be tough. But we can make it work." Putting a positive spin on negative thoughts can help you work through stressful situations. 7. Keep laughing. Humor is a great way to relieve stress. Laughter releases endorphins natural substances that help you feel better and maintain a positive attitude. Studies suggest laughter may lower blood pressure, boost the immune system and increase circulation as well.

When you need extra help

If new stressors are challenging your ability to cope or if once-helpful techniques seem to have lost their effectiveness, you may need to look for reinforcements. Plenty of books, websites and support groups are dedicated to helping people get through tough times. You may also find it helps to talk to a counselor or mental health professional. Sometimes an outside perspective makes all the difference. Remember, stress is a part of life it's never going to completely disappear. But you have the tools to keep stress from taking over your life. Put them to good use.

Stress management: Identify your sources of stress

Your response to the demands of the world determines your stress level. Take time to consider common stressors and how they affect you. By Mayo Clinic staff The kids are screaming, the bills are due and the pile of papers on your desk is growing at an alarming pace. It's undeniable life is full of stress. Understanding the types and sources of stress big and small, short-term and long-term, internal and external is an important part of stress management. So what stresses you out? Two main types of stress Stress is your body's reaction to the demands of the world. Stressors are events or conditions in your surroundings that may trigger stress. Your body responds to stressors differently depending on whether the stressor is new acute stress or whether the stressor has been around for a longer time chronic stress. Acute stress Also known as the fight-or-flight response, acute stress is your body's immediate reaction to a significant threat, challenge or scare. The acute-stress response is immediate and intense, and in certain circumstances it can be thrilling. Examples of acute stressors include a job interview, a fender bender or an exhilarating ski run. A single episode of acute stress generally doesn't cause problems for healthy people. However, severe acute stress can cause mental health problems, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, and even physical difficulties such as a heart attack. Chronic stress Mild acute stress can actually be beneficial it can spur you into action, motivate and energize you. The problem occurs when acute stressors pile up and stick around. This persistent stress can lead to health problems, such as headaches and insomnia. The chronic-stress response is much more subtle than is the acute-stress response, but the effects may be longer lasting and more problematic. Effective stress management involves identifying and managing both acute and chronic stress. Know your stressors Effective stress management starts with identifying your sources of stress and developing strategies to manage them. One way to do this is to make a list of the situations, concerns or challenges that trigger your stress response. Take a moment to write down the top 10 issues you're facing right now. You'll notice that some of your stressors are events that happen to you while others seem to originate from within.

External exasperations External stressors are events and situations that happen to you. Some examples of external stressors include:

Major life changes. These changes can be positive a new marriage, a planned pregnancy, a promotion or a new house. Or they can be negative the death of a loved one or a divorce. Environment. The input from the world around us can be a source of stress. Consider how you react to noises, such as a barking dog, or to too much or too little light in a room. Unpredictable events. Out of the blue, uninvited houseguests arrive. Or you discover your rent has gone up or that your pay has been cut. Family. The occasional spousal spat, a teenager who refuses to cooperate or a nagging mother-inlaw can all contribute to stress. Workplace. Common stressors at work include an impossible workload, urgent deadlines and a demanding boss. Social. Just think about going on a blind date and you probably start to sweat.

Strategies to manage external stressors include lifestyle factors such as eating a healthy diet, being physically active and getting enough sleep which help boost your resiliency. Other helpful steps include asking for help from others, using humor, learning to be assertive, and practicing problem solving and time management. Internal irritations Not all stress stems from things that happen to you. Much of our stress response is self-induced. Those feelings and thoughts that pop into your head and cause you unrest are known as internal stressors. Examples of internal stressors include:

Fears. Common ones include fear of flying, fear of heights and fear of public speaking. Uncertainty. Few people enjoy not knowing what might happen. Think about how you might react when waiting for the results of a medical test. Beliefs. These might be attitudes, opinions or expectations. You may not even think about how your beliefs shape your experience, but these preset thoughts often set us up for stress. Consider the expectations you put on yourself to create a perfect holiday celebration or advance up the career ladder.

The good news is that we have the ability to control our thoughts. The bad news is that our fears, attitudes and expectations have been our companions for a long time and it often takes some effort to change them. Strategies to manage internal stressors include reframing your thoughts, challenging negative thoughts, using relaxation techniques, and talking with a trusted friend or counselor. Take the first step Recognizing a problem is the first step toward solving it. By beginning to identify and understand the sources of your stress, you've taken the first step in learning to better manage it. Manage it, not eliminate it. Stress is a fact of life. And that's OK. You can handle it.