Defensiveness

COMMUNICATIO
N CLIMATES
 Confirming vs. disconfirming climates
– Function of:
• Honor vs. dishonor
• Respect vs. disrespect
• Turning toward vs. turning away

Reactive Emotionalism:
Trigger for Defensiveness
 Defensiveness is an emotional reaction to
threat, not a cognitive one
 It is much harder to stop doing something
than to start doing something else
– If you want to cut down on junk food, easier to
grab some carrots than try to resist the urge to rip
open a bag of chips
– If you want to cut down on emotional reactivity,
concentrate on listening harder & understanding
better
Defensive Reactions:
Which Is Most Common for You?
 Attacking the critic
 Distorting the criticism
 Avoiding the critic or criticism

Dynamics of Defensiveness
 We are hurt most by criticism of something that feels
like an important part of ourselves
 We are especially sensitive to criticism from those
closest to us (gain-loss theory)
 Defensiveness & power struggles are usually based
in ‘either-or’ thinking
– Your needs/my needs, my ideas/your ideas
 We are not trained to consider the possibility that
both may be right
– At times need to move to ‘both-and’ thinking
GIBB CATEGORIES
Evaluation Description
Control Problem Orientation
Strategy Spontaneity
Neutrality Empathy
Superiority Equality
Certainty Provisionalism
Gibb Categories
 Evaluation – This kind of behavior is
judging the other person – “This place is
a mess”
 Description – This focuses on the
communicator’s ideas rather than
putting blame on someone else – “I”
statements
Gibb Categories
 Control – Which is when one person is
forcing a solution upon the other person
– “You need to stay off the phone for
the next two hours”
 Problem Orientation – This is when a
person looks for a solution that will
satisfy both people – “I’m expecting
some important calls. Can we work…
Gibb Categories
 Strategy – This form is about
manipulating the other person in order
to come out on top – “What are you
doing Friday after work?”
 Spontaneity – Is about being honest
and truthful with the listener – I have
this to do on Friday, can you give me a
hand?
Gibb Categories
 Neutrality – This is when the speaker
has little concern or interest in the
conversation – “That’s what happens
when you don’t plan properly”
 Empathy – Allows for acceptance of the
other person and their feelings. – Ouch,
looks like this didn’t turn out the way
you expected.
Gibb Categories
 Superiority – This is when a person
believes that they are better than the
listener and can be shown by the way
the speaker delivers the message. –
“You don’t know what you are talking
about”
 Equality – Shows that all people have
self worth – “I see it a different way”
Gibb Categories
 Certainty – When communicators
believe they are right and that the other
person is wrong and will not listen to
their ideas – “That will never work!”
 Provisionalism – This is when one
person feels they are correct, but is
willing to listen and consider their
perspective..
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
 A neighbor’s stereo is disturbing your sleep,

and it’s 3 o’clock in the morning.
 Recently your roommate has been feasting on

your food, and has even started to invite
friends into your room to share your food.
 Together with most of your classmates, you

feel that a professor’s grading system is unfair.
How would you respond?
 “No wonder your grades are low.

You’re always out socializing or
partying instead of studying.”
 What’s the matter with you? You’ve

been so cold and distant lately.”
 “Just once I wish you’d care about

somebody besides yourself. You’re so
selfish.”
Responding Nondefensively
 Seek more information (questioning or

paraphrasing)
 Agree with critic (either facts or

perceptions)
 Put difficult messages in notes (effective

way to short-circuit reactivity)
A Better Way to ‘Complain’:
Be Respectful and Be Specific
 When you do X,
– Specific Behavior
 In situation Y,
– Specific Situation
 I feel Z.
– Owning feelings
– Not blaming
Three Relational Paradoxes
(Susan Campbell, 1994)
 Paradox of surrender
– Give up control to gain influence
– Pressing for getting what I want may make it less
likely to happen
 Iatrogenic paradox
– The better we become at resolving interpersonal
differences, the more challenges we encounter
– Growth does not necessarily make life easier
 Paradox of responsibility
– You are responsible for your own thinking/behavior
– At the same time, you are responsible for the ‘waves
’ you create which influence others

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COMMUNICATIO

• Honor vs. dishonor

• Respect vs. disrespect

• Turning toward vs. turning away

 Attacking the critic

 Distorting the criticism

 Avoiding the critic or criticism

Control Problem Orientation

 A neighbor’s stereo is disturbing your sleep,

 Recently your roommate has been feasting on

 Together with most of your classmates, you

 “No wonder your grades are low.

 What’s the matter with you? You’ve

 “Just once I wish you’d care about

 Seek more information (questioning or

 Agree with critic (either facts or

 Put difficult messages in notes (effective

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