Kode MK – TEKNIK NEGOSIASI

HOW TO ARGUE WELL ???

FLORIDA DAMANIK

PRODI. TEKNIK INFORMATIKA (S-1)

Introduction
• Selling is a natural skill. It’s developed as a child. You may know it as
persuasion.— Jeffrey Gitomer
• In some ways, we are bad in arguing, and in advancing arguments. To
be an effective negotiator, one must argue well. And to argue well, one
needs to be convincing and believable. And note that how to argue
well is a life skill. The dos and the don’ts of how to argue are
discussed. From “The don’ts” one learns how not to argue well or
how to lose an argument. Overall, the goal of arguing especially in a
relationship is to clarify and promote understanding, not winning.
The Dos and the Don’ts
• From the outset, it is to be stressed that it is pointless to argue with the
wrong person. Many a times one can notice that the unhappy or
dissatisfied customers give hell to the service people. It is not that the
service person is silly, slow or uncooperative and is at fault but rather
the management is, in some way, at fault. Taking your frustrations on
the wrong person is a bad move and causes unnecessary troubles to
others. It’s unjust and one would probably dislike oneself later. And
yes, at times, it is better not to argue at all. If you choose to fight,
then let us fight well. If you choose to argue, then let us argue well.
Here then are the do’s and the don’ts to lead, if not, make us argue
well.
The Dos - Have Premises and Examples
• A good example is far better than a good precept.—Dwight L. Moody
• Don’t wait for other people to be loving, giving, compassionate, grateful, forgiving, generous, or
friendly… lead the way!—Steve Maraboli, Unapologetically You: Reflections on Life and the
Human Experience Don’t just make statements; one should not be stating just statements.
Instead, one should be giving or advancing premises, bases and/or evidences. Give reasons and/or
expand your sentences—for example, when one states, “Self-harm does not bring real relief”. One
also indicates that “There are coping strategies that will help you feel better, and they are:
exercising, exploring nature, spending time with loved ones, listening to music and reading” Do
your homework. Work out or present your reasons. Do your sums. And present your data and
whatever information to support your statement. These are the foundations of arguments.
• Solid examples are next advanced to even further support the statements made. Use examples; use
good ones. Solid examples and illustrations can be given in the form of figures, statistics, sums,
pictures, diagrams and/or even in photograph forms. If one is a salesperson, one should present
one’s brochures and demonstrate the uses and benefits of one’s products. One also show proofs
and evidences of one’s good products and their advantages.
Argue Professionally
• Sometimes, silence is the best way to win an argument.—Jorge P. Guerrero
• Listening is a master skill for personal and professional greatness.—Robin S.
Sharma
• One must not be coarse, crude or unprofessional; a Lebanese proverb speaks of,
“Lower your voice and strengthen your argument”. Indeed one simply needs to be
finesse or poise and argue gracefully. Remember that one indeed does not fight
dirty. I still remember the words of George Bernard Shaw, and these are what he
said, “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides,
the pig likes it”. Yes, it is tempting to jab one’s OP between the ribs, but it is not
effective or advantageous and will only make things worse. Just be professional,
and argue the point, not the person. Do not get personal or attack the person (the
Other Party). Continue to stay focussed on the point(s) of argument; do not go
off-tangent. Do focus on one issue or one’s brain will go in overload mode. And
yes, (continue to) stay polite, well-mannered and positive. Do not put words in
one’s OP’s mouth.
Be Congenial
• I still owe a duty of loyalty to my clients and former clients, so I cannot specify which clients
• I did not especially find congenial, but the cause was the same.—Floyd Abrams
• We’re not dating,” Alec said again. “Oh?” Magnus said. “So you’re just that friendly with
everybody, is that it?—Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes If one keeps rolling one’s eyes, pouting
one’s mouth, pursing one’s lips, making faces and/or showing any signs of unhappiness when
relating with another person, not just the OP, then others may feel not really wanting to or feel
uncomfortable to relate with such as person—whether (s)he is a negotiator or otherwise. Always
be friendly and pleasant. And create a pleasant, amiable or a good-natured climate for one’s
negotiation with the OP.
• This author believes that friendliness is a sign of inner strength and balance. And one can make a
difference with friendliness. Just imagine what could have happened if I had the courage to make
the first step with my not so polite colleague and/or relative. It would have given me at least the
likelihood of or opening for discovering the underlying or key cause of his behaviour, and maybe
even helping him. In its place, I was so preoccupied with defending myself that I did not even
consider honest or open friendliness as a possible way to resolve the issue. This was the instant
when I realised that I could only make a difference by being nice or gentle and helpful to other
people whether they are OP or otherwise.
• So among the many benefits and advantages of being congenial are that
one tries to understand and get connected or linked with people easily.
Moreover, people including OPs feel more comfortable in one’s
presence. Both of us, the negotiators and other(s) open up easily. Besides,
it’s easy to talk on taboo (which are actually hipped to talk on) topics,
discuss and come up with good understanding. Indeed knowledge,
perspective, experience sharing happens which brings many viewpoints
or approaches to your thinking. A friend of mine also relevantly pointed
that that being pleasant can also bring this benefit, that is, one learns to
take criticism positively, laugh on jokes passed onto oneself and learns to
crack jokes on us while making people laugh and feel comfortable. And
indeed this helps to work easily together. If one is congenial with others,
then one too builds goodwill around oneself, and one also finds oneself
surrounded by one’s friends, supporters, advocates and/or champions.
 Grant Humility
• It was pride that changed angels into devils; it is humility that makes men as
angels.—Saint Augustine
• Not boasting or bragging, a person, by being humble, is persuasive. Yes, be
humble. One needs to be modest, and be respectful to others and make efforts or
attempts to understand them. For it is said that “there is no respect for others
without humility in one’s self.” (Henri Frederic Amiel).
• And Miller (2017) spoke of, Nothing is more destructive to a leader than his ego.
Our ego is never more present that in an argument. It’s our ego that insists our
idea is the best, that we know the answer, that
• people just need to do what we say and everything will be good. It’s our ego that
makes us say snarky, sarcastic, cruel things to the people we love the most. And
it’s our ego that makes us get the last word in and do whatever it takes to “win”
the argument. Here’s a secret. You don’t win an argument by being right. You win
an argument by being humble and curious.
Give Respect to Your OP
• I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the
president of the university.—Albert Einstein U. Thant, the Burmese diplomat and
the third Secretary-General of the United Nations from 1961 to 1971, the first
non-European to hold the position. He held the office for a record 10 years and
one month, once said that, “Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever
station, deserves respect. We must each respect others even as we respect
ourselves”. One gives respect even those with whom one strongly or heatedly
disagrees. Whenever and each time, one argues with one’s Other Party (OP), one
needs to show or give respect to one’s OP. As John Bacon once said, “It comes
down to the way you treat people. When you treat people with dignity and respect
all the time, you can work through anything”.
Be Positive
• The sweetest two words in any negotiation are actually, ‘That’s right.’ Before you convince them to see what
you’re trying to accomplish, you have to say the things to them that will get them to say, ‘That’s right.’—
Christopher Voss Live life to the fullest, and focus on the positive.—Matt Cameron
• First of all, let us ask ourselves these questions:
• O How positive are you?
• O How optimistic are you?
• The manager asked the staff: “Have you NOT done the report I ask you to do?” Or she phrased it as: “You
did NOT do the report, right?” Yes, the question is asked but it is phrased in a negative way, assuming that
the OP has not done the task or job concerned. And this can be demotivating or dispiriting to the staff (OP).
• It would indeed be more motivating if the questions have been phrased in a positive way—“Have you done
the report I ask you to do?” Or “You did the report, right?” To a great extent, all of us gain by distancing
ourselves from negativities. We need to cherish or appreciate the OP (others) more so, when they are our
staff and better still, even our family members. And create nice, good feelings among the Ops (others) of us.
Just focus forward. And build our good relationships. Counsman (2017) argued that in a win–win
negotiation, one wants to get the best possible deal for oneself while one also works to make the OP as
satisfied as possible. The emotions displayed during a win–win negotiation can teach one what the OP
really wants. They can also influence how one, as the negotiator and the OP interact. “Emotions constitute a
deliberate behavioral strategy that can be used by negotiators in support of strategic action,” said Shirli
Kopelman, professor of management and organizations at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of
Business cited by Counsman (2017).
• “Negotiators who strategically display positive rather than negative emotions are more
likely to preserve valuable business relationships, gain concessions and persuade
opposing parties to accept their offers, and thus, more frequently close deals”, argued
Kopelman, cited by Counsman (2017). Yes, optimism can be learned. You use the right
words, we choose the words we want to use or apply. We can also make our self-talk
positive. Count one’s blessings [If you are not happy, remind yourself of the people and
• things in your life that you have to be grateful for], and be thankful. “If you
concentrateon finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your
life
• will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.” (Rabbi Harold
Kushner). Optimists create abundance; they give and share. They tolerate, they move on,
and they don’t take things personally. They learn, and improve. They look for success
• in failures too. When one is positive, one becomes or is an optimist; do note that positive
emotions and optimism can really energise a negotiation. It also makes the OP wants to
talk to or discuss things; the positive person is a more pleasant person to deal with.
Be Creative
• A creative man is motivated by the desire to achieve, not by the desire to beat
others.— Ayn Rand Creative thinking inspires ideas. Ideas inspire change.—
Barbara Januszkiewicz Richard Branson once said that, “The most talented,
thought-provoking, gamechanging people are never normal.” And indeed so,
appearing not normal and/or M.A.D.: Make A Difference, a creative person is
flexible. Not restricted, a creative negotiator comes up with solutions easily and
brings the discussions away from deadlocks and standstills, but to newer heights.
• Maya Angelou pointed out that, “You can’t use up creativity. The more you use,
the more you have”. And really “there are many ways to skin a cat”. It is said that
if one’s life is one’s canvas; and one is the masterpiece. There are a million ways
to be compassionate, wonderful, fabulous, creative, bold and interesting. And if
one is creative, one is likely to argue well. One too can talk in terms of various
ways and approaches, looking at things from various angles and perspectives.
• And one is more open and flexible to (new) ideas and solutions. One is not stuck
to one idea, one perspective; one means and/or one way only.
Argue with Passion
• You can do anything as long as you have the passion, the drive, the focus, and the
support.— Sabrina Bryan Passion gives one the fire in one’s belly; it supplies the
impetus. And passion gets
• things done. Often, the successful presenters and persuaders say that the most
important thing is to connect with one’s audience, and the best way to do that is to
let one’s passion for the subject shine through. Let it be known. Show one’s
face, let it speaks. Show one’s passion; show one’s passion in one’s voice, tone
and gestures. Send out clear body language signals of one’s passion and love.
When one is passionate about something, one does not play small; instead one
plays it BIG. Nelson Mandela once said that, “There is no passion to be found
playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of
living”. Without passion, great ideas never get heard. And not get played big
upon. We are thus reminded by Oprah Winfrey that “passion is energy. Feel the
power that comes from focusing on what excites you”. Argue passionately, and
half the battle is won.
13.4 The Don’ts
• Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.—Desmond Tutu [Address at the Nelson
• Mandela Foundation in Houghton, Johannesburg, South Africa, 23 November 2004]
• 13.4.1 Don’t Employ Fallacious Arguments
• The poorly sophisticated, since many of us are, as presumed to be, lacking in good arguments,
• we are then prone to being well-versed in insults.—Criss Jami, Healology
• Fallacies to me are just noises or non-reasons. Michel de Montaigne said these,
• “He who establishes his argument by noise and command, shows that his reason
• is weak”.
• A fallacious argument may, in fact, be misleading by appearing to be better than
• it really is. Some fallacies are committed intentionally to manipulate or persuade by
• trickery or deception, while others are committed unintentionally due to carelessness
• or ignorance.
• To this author, when one negotiates with the OP, one must build trust and develop
• or have a long-term relationship with the OP. Fallacious arguments give OP the idea
• and feeling that the negotiator wants to trick him or her; hence the seed of mistrust
• is sowed. A good negotiator thus avoids deploying fallacies when negotiating with
• their OPs.