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CHAPTER 10
Managing Conflict
Chapter Outline
• What Is Conflict?
• Conflict Styles
• Conflict in Relational Systems
• Variables in Conflict Styles
• Conflict Management in Practice
Learning Outcomes
You should be able to:
• describe the nature of conflict, its elements and its attributes;
• recognize and accept the inevitability of conflict in your life;
• identify the behaviours that characterize different conflict
styles;
• analyze various communication patterns in relational conflicts;
• describe how gender and culture affect communication during
conflict; and
• explain how the conflict management process can ideally
resolve interpersonal conflicts.
What Is Conflict?
• Conflict: An expressed struggle that inevitably occurs
between at least two interdependent parties who
perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and
interference from the other party in achieving their
goals.
What Is Conflict? cont’d
• Expressed struggle: All the people involved must know
that there is some disagreement.
• Interdependence: The welfare and satisfaction of one
depends on the actions of another.
• Perceived incompatible goals: The people involved
perceive their goals to be mutually exclusive.
• Perceived scarce resources: People believe there is not
enough of something to go around: money, time, etc.
• Inevitability: Conflicts are bound to happen, even in the
best relationships.
Conflict Styles
Avoidance (Lose-Lose)
• Occurs when people choose not to confront an issue
directly.
• Reflects a pessimistic attitude about conflict.
• Often produces a situation in which nobody gets what
they want and leads to unsatisfying relationships.
• Can be appropriate if the risk of speaking up is too great,
the relationship isn’t worth the effort, or the issue is
temporary or minor.
Conflict Styles, cont’d
Accommodation (Lose–Win)
• Occurs when we entirely give in to others rather than
asserting our own point of view.
• The motivation of the accommodator plays a significant
role in this style’s effectiveness.
• People from high-context, collectivist backgrounds are
more likely to regard avoidance and accommodation
positively than people from low-context, individualistic
cultures.
Competition (Win–Lose)
• People who use competition seek to resolve conflicts
“my way.”
• Power is the distinguishing characteristic in win–lose
problem solving.
• There are times a competitive approach can develop a
relationship.
– E.g., competing in play, in achievement, and in altruism
• The dark side of competition is that it often breeds
aggression.
Passive aggression
• Occurs when a communicator expresses their
dissatisfaction in a disguised manner.
– E.g. guilt, sarcasm, silent treatment
Direct aggression
• Attacks the position and dignity of the receiver.
– E.g. swearing, ridicule, threats
Compromise
• Gives all people at least some of what they want,
although it involves everyone sacrificing part of their
goals.
• Although compromises may be the best result obtainable
in some conflicts, both people in a dispute can often
work together to find much better solutions.
Collaboration (Win–Win)
• The goal is to find a solution that satisfies the needs of
everyone involved.
• Demonstrates a belief that working together can provide
a solution through which they can all reach their goals
without needing to compromise.
• Collaborators are more likely to actively listen to their
partners, leading to less aggression and stress.
• Can be too time-consuming for minor issues or decisions
that need to be made quickly.
When to use each conflict style
• The chart lists out various factors including: the
issues importance, point of view, time, relational
considerations and rationale to suggest which style
would be best to use.
• Our conflict style is not necessarily a personality trait,
in fact, it may be useful to change our style from
situation to situation.
Which Style to Use?
• You should consider:
– The situation
– The other person
– Your goals
Conflict in Relational Systems
Complementary and symmetrical conflict
• Conflict happens within relational systems, and its
character is usually determined by the way the people
involved interact.
• Complementary conflict: Partners use different but
mutually reinforcing behaviours.
• Symmetrical conflict: Both people use the same tactics.
• Both types of conflict can produce good results
(constructive) as well as bad ones (destructive).
Conflict in Relational Systems,
cont’d
Complementary and symmetrical conflict, cont’d
• Complementary style often results in “fight-or-flight”
pattern.
• Escalatory spiral: If both partners treat one another with
matching hostility (symmetrical style).
• De-escalatory spiral: If partners withdraw from
one another (symmetrical style).
cont’d
Complementary and symmetrical conflict, cont’d
• If complementary behaviours are positive, then a positive
spiral results and the conflict stands a good chance of
being resolved.
• Constructive symmetry occurs when both people
communicate assertively, listening to one another’s
concerns and working together to resolve them.
Let’s play a game!
Complementary or Symmetrical?
Constructive or Destructive?
Situation: one partner is upset because the other
is spending little time at home.
• One partner complains; the other withdraws,
spending even less time at home
Complementary Destructive
• One partner raises concerns clearly and assertively,

without aggression. The other responds by explaining
concerns in the same manner
Symmetrical Constructive
Situation: Manager makes fun of employee in
front of other workers
• Employee seeks out manager for private
conversation, explaining why joking was
embarrassing. Manager listens willingly.
Complementary Constructive
• Employee maliciously jokes about manager at a

company party. Manager continues to make fun of
the employee.
Symmetrical Destructive
Situation: parents are uncomfortable about
teenager’s new friends
• Teen expresses concern that parents are being too
protective. Parents and teenager negotiate A
mutually agreeable solution.
Symmetrical Constructive
• Parents expressed concerns. Teenager dismisses

them, saying, “there's nothing to worry about”.
Complementary Destructive
cont’d
Serial arguments
• Repetitive conflicts about the same issue.
– Common causes: problematic behaviours, personality
characteristics, communication styles and practices.
– More likely to use hostile communication.
• Results can be positive when both partners are equally
involved and willing to talk about their chronic issues,
hold positive expectations for a win-win outcome, and
use an invitational approach.
• A third-party intervention may help in some situations.
cont’d
Toxic Conflict: “The Four Horsemen”
• Criticism: Attacks on a person’s character.
• Defensiveness: A reaction that aims to protect one’s
presenting self by denying responsibility and
counterattacking.
• Contempt: Belittles and demeans the other person.
• Stonewalling: Occurs when one person withdraws from
the interaction, shutting down dialogue and any chance
of resolving the problem in a mutually satisfactory way.
cont’d
Conflict rituals
• Unacknowledged, but very real, repeating patterns of
interlocking behaviour.
• Not necessarily a problem in and of themselves, but
problematic when the ritual is the only way
partners handle their conflicts.
• There is no one conflict ritual that will work for every
situation; need to have alternative ways of dealing with
conflict for when the ritual is not appropriate.
Variables in Conflict Styles
Gender
• Across a variety of cultures, boys have been observed to
engage in more direct, overt, physical aggression and
girls in more relational aggression.
• These differences appear to persist into adolescence and
adulthood and occur online as well as in person.
• There is considerable evidence to suggest we socialize
men to behave more aggressively than women.
• However, research suggests that gender differences in
communication may be perceived as greater than they
actually are.
Variables in Conflict Styles, cont’d
Culture
• Cultures differ in their orientation toward disagreement,
rapport management, and the preserving of face.
• Members of individualistic cultures often prefer
competing as a conflict style, whereas members of
collectivist cultures prefer styles of compromising and
problem solving.
• Temperament, self-concept, the environment we are
raised in, and the status of the people involved in the
dispute also influence how we approach conflict.
Conflict Management in Practice
Steps for the Win–Win Approach
1. Define your needs.
2. Share your needs with the other person.
- Choose a suitable time and place.
- Use descriptive “I” language.
3. Listen to the other person’s needs.
- Use active listening skills and supportive behaviours.
4. Generate possible solutions.
- Communicate provisionalism rather than certainty.
- Refrain from premature evaluations.
Conflict Management in Practice,
cont’d
Steps for the Win–Win Approach, cont’d
5. Evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one.
- React spontaneously (honestly) rather than strategically
(accommodating).
6. Implement the solution.
7. Follow up on the solution.
What’s your method of conflict
resolution?
• Think of a close relationship with someone you see
regularly (e.g. a parent, sibling, a roommate, close
friend, a spouse, a partner).
• How do you usually respond to conflict with this
person?
• With a pen and paper, indicate the degree to which
you believe each of the following statements applies
to you during these conflicts, using a scale ranging
from 1 to 5, where 1 = never and 5 = very often
1. I'm usually firm in pursuing my goals. 12. I tried to integrate my concerns with the
2. I attempt to deal with all of the other other persons.
persons and my own concerns. 13. I will let the other person have some of
3. I try to find a compromise solution. what they want if they let me have some of
4. I try to avoid creating unpleasantness what I want.
for myself. 14. I sometimes avoid taking positions that
5. It's important to me that others are would create controversy.
happy, even if it comes at my own 15. I sometimes sacrificed my own wishes
expense for those of the other person
6. I try to win my position 16. I try to show the other person the logic
7. I consistently seek out others help in and benefits of my position.
working out a solution. 17. I tell the other person my ideas an ask
8. I give up some points and exchange for for theirs
others 18. I propose a middle ground
9. I tried to postpone dealing with the 19. I try to do what is necessary to avoid
issue. tensions
10. I might try to soothe the others feelings 20. I don't worry about my concerns if
and preserve our relationship satisfying them means damaging the
11. I persistently tried to get my points relationship
made.
31
Scoring
• Add your responses to items 1, 6, 11, and 16. This is

your competition score
your collaboration score
your compromise score.
your avoidance score.
your accommodation score.
32
• Scores for each style of conflict can range from 4 to
20, with higher scores indicating more of a
preference for that particular conflict style.
• You may wish to complete the assessment several
times, with different people or conflicts in mind, to
get a better sense of your preferred conflict styles.
33

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CHAPTER 10

• One partner raises concerns clearly and assertively,

• Employee maliciously jokes about manager at a

• Parents expressed concerns. Teenager dismisses

• Add your responses to items 1, 6, 11, and 16. This is

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