I promise to never go outside again

Just fucking leave me already. You know everything is my fault why won't you just fucking leave me? Are you punishing me? I'm only ruining everything

I have no one.

I remember the looks of disappointment and worry when I say that I can't remember something you ask about. I can remember that much. I know you won't be here for the end of that trail if I survive long enough. No one wants to be around for it. I suppose as much was proof enough with my great grandmother.

How could I possibly sleep?

I feel, sometimes, that I am very close to death.

I don't know how to comfort anymore. I can't tell you it will be okay, because I don't know that I believe it. And then, I know, that it is my fault.

If I had not met you, we would not be in these circumstances. I'm sure someone better would have come along for a catch like you anyway. Someone not so utterly useless.

Yes, my self-pity is repulsive and angering, obviously. But is it wrong? I don't think so. Why can't I just drive? Why can't I do a simple fucking thing? Why can't I just drive and have a vehicle? What the fuck is wrong with me? The frustration keeps settled at the pit of my stomach no matter what I do. It makes me want to rip myself apart. Why the fuck am I so useless?

Why can't I just fix everything? Why do I always fail everyone? Why should I even bother continuing? I'm nothing but dead weight. I don't know what to do anymore. I started with hope. I see why my father is so pessimistic now. Maybe he has a right to be.

He's giving up on me. I don't blame him.

I should have just kept walking. I should have been hit by a car. I should have been murdered. I should have drowned.

Death by drowning suits me.