Hello, my dears, how are you all? Another week has passed and these last few days I haven't been able to get my head around how much I wish I was living more of my adolescence, I wish I could spend less time obsessing about my grades and my future, anxious, and more concerned with living in the present, without letting the little moments, the formation of memories and each opportunity fade away like dust; I spend all my days at home, at school, at home, at work, I have few friends and I hardly live in this reality.
The truth is that I think my mind belongs to a world of fantasies that doesn't exist, a world that I created and unintentionally trapped myself in, now I'm a prisoner, a slave to the tower of dreams manufactured by a mind with a fertile, flourishing imagination; I fantasize about living in other bodies, other worlds, other realities and I forget to live the one I have in my hands, but I stop living it even more because I'm afraid of all the consequences and possibilities, I suffocate in the anxiety of not knowing what's to come and not being sure what will happen to me if I choose another course other than the one I live every day, because I see it as a vast sea, and changing paths might take me to a current that will swallow me, taking me away from my initial destiny.
Still, I am hungry for life, for the unknown, for emotions other than boredom, I want to feel the adrenaline and drink from the fountain of life, I want to be a reckless teenager, I want to stay out late and spend the night laughing with my friends, I want to be silly and have high school crushes, but I don't allow myself, I close my heart, I prefer my own solitude, because I was not taught to enjoy the company of other people, I locked myself away so as not to be hurt, because if I were abandoned, it would be like being stabbed; I feel like a frustrated teenager, I am in high school, but maybe I am still the bright-eyed little girl from elementary school, or maybe the pre-teen with no will to live, who had no expectations for the future, and maybe it is because of that teenager that today I find myself so reluctant to change my routine and venture out into life, I am afraid of taking another blow and not recovering.
I don't know how to let myself enjoy the last years I have without worries, without serious things. I wish I could leave my incessant mind aside and just live with my heart, but I'm too rational for that. My brain calculates all the possibilities and my heart, human, tightens just thinking about the disappointment I might cause my parents, because they didn't raise a rebel, they raised a sweet girl who is well-behaved, prefers to stay at home and doesn't give any trouble, and that's why they love me so much. I'm not like most teenagers they know. I don't drink, I don't date, I've never even kissed anyone, but that's especially painful when you stop to think about it, because I also have no experiences, no history.
