Apple In Space!

"I will not fight you, child. You are not an honorable warrior." "You slaughtered my parents. Were they warriors?"

You come from a family that has been grave keepers for generations. You've noticed someone repeatedly leaving flowers at the tomb of the same thousand-year-old conqueror. Then you realize that your great-great-grandfather also mentioned this man, 150 years ago...

“WHY DON’T YOU KILL US?” “I’ve got a no-kill rule.” “YEAH, I KNOW, but the medical expenses sent Lenny into bankruptcy and he ended up killing himself because of that. He had a kid, you know.”

The witch lovingly brings you to her home to meet her pet. A wounded dragon suddenly crashes outside the door. You're scared but then anguished for her. "Mango!" she shouts furiously, "stop bringing your hunts home!!" Sitting atop the kill, an orange cat purrs, licking its blood-stained paws.

"But father, she saved my life and I love her," said the princess to the king.

"My child, I don't think you quite understand my gripes with this arrangement," turning to look at the absolutely FERAL heroine who was currently gnawing on a monster bone twice her size.

The adventuring party is now fully convinced that a cast-iron frying pan with a fire enchantment is the most versatile piece of equipment they can use.

You've been chosen as this decade's sacrifice to the Forest God. Everyone believes the sacrifices are simply eaten. You learned the truth—and know why no one wants to return to the village.

Many by day know you as the best superhero—flight, powerful eyes, super strength. Your true nature? A normally weakened ancient vampire. So it was truly a mistake when the villain discarded your broken body into a pit of blood of the people you seek to protect.

googling shit like "why do i feel bad after hanging out with my friends" and all of the answers are either "you need better friends" (i don't; my friends are wonderful) or "your social battery is drained, you need to rest and regain your energy levels" (i don't; i've got tons of energy, it's just manifesting as over-the-top neurotic mania). why is this even happening. it's like some stupid toll i have to pay as a punishment for enjoying myself too much

I actually, genuinely think social event aftercare would fix me. I need someone to put me to bed and say "you were fun today and no one hated you"

tags via @ratbastarddotfuck

we should make fun of americans more. why dont their shops include tax in the price tag. like how much does this item cost? its a surprise :)

Honestly, tea. I’ve lived here my whole life and I have never once known what my total is gonna be at the register. Total fucking mystery.

im an ex-american living in new zealand for the past two years and it still never fails to blow my mind that i can take a $2 coin, walk up to a counter with two $1 items, and perform the expected transaction

this callout is completely deserved

WHY DOES POOB HAVE ME BLOCKED LMAO

poob DOESN'T have it for me. they've had ENOUGH of me

https://www.instagram.com/khartoum_aid_kitchen/

DONATE TO KHARTOUM KITCHEN RIGHT NOW! They provide meals in the Greater Khartoum Area!

real

hi guys. woke up to this on my phone today. zero fucking recollection of writing this down

@guiltiest-gear

I have to make everything ok really fast

the best way i can think to describe the experience of reading moby dick is you’re in line at the dmv and this guy behind you very loudly says “well who HASN’T had a gay experience” and then proceeds to tell you every detail about his life in between anecdotes about how great sperm is and how ropes work and sometimes he’ll say the most poetic shit you’ve ever heard in your life and them jump RIGHT back into explaining how a whale is a fish because 1) it swims in water and you’re still only like halfway through the dmv line