current & past obsessions

Tim and Bruce getting into an argument bcs Tim demands to be independent and NOT get involved in the mess of being a legal part of the Wayne family, and Bruce being final on the fact that Tim is FIFTEEN and needs a legal guardian. out of spite Tim asks the person he thinks Bruce would approve of as a guardian the least to sign some guardian papers.

Tim: you don’t have to do anything parental i just REALLY wanna make Batman mad and i get the sense that our wishes align on that specific aspect so if you could just sign here for shits and giggles-

Red Hood:

Red Hood, rapidly changing his plans on how to deal with getting revenge on Bruce because his replacement is actually kinda hysterical: if we’re doing this we’re fucking doing it right, kid

Bruce shows up to Tim’s next parent teacher conference because hey just because he’s being given the silent treatment over this whole adoption thing doesn’t mean he’s going to slack off on his parental duties, only to freeze in the doorway because Tim Drake-Hood is stood there with his shiny new CRIME LORD LEGAL GUARDIAN giving him the most SHIT EATING GRIN POSSIBLE, and he almost has a panic attack on the spot.

Jason’s really getting into this whole caretaker thing. he’s doing school runs, delivering home cooked meals to Drake manor, helping with homework, this was his fucking CALLING. Tim is having the time of his life because him and Hood actually get along really well, but then he realises two weeks in that it turns out Hood is actually Jason fucking Todd, and he has to deal with the existential crisis of causing the very thing he was trying to stop because he is now technically a legal child of the Wayne family.

out of embarrassment for the fact that he failed and amazement at the fact that he’s bonding so well with Bruce’s dead kid and his own childhood hero (who is now a badass crime lord that lets him call for advice about english assignments while organising drug runs and picks up batburger on his way home from weapon shipments, seriously what more could Tim want in a parent), Tim somehow becomes even more invested in hiding Red Hood’s identity than Jason is.

Bruce has just been in a constant state of panic for the past three months and he doesn’t know what to fucking do. Dick was concerned for Tim up until he demanded to have dinner with him and his new ‘guardian’ to vet the guy and Jason, who stopped caring about his identity when he realised how much being a working dad agrees with his mental health and is only actively keeping his identity from Bruce for Tim’s pride’s sake, takes off his helmet to eat and Dick stares at him frozen for fifteen minutes across the table before finally pointing at the two and saying ‘you know what? he didn’t even tell me Jason was dead until after the funeral. whatever the fuck’s going on here? he has it coming. proceed.’

there was a misunderstanding when Jason came back to life but only bcs he decided that he didn’t want to deal with Bruce and all his shit right then so he made a turn on the way to Gotham and decided to start off small by reuniting with Dick in Bludhaven instead. work his way up.

issue is Dick’s been hallucinating Jason for the past 6 months. not even in a particularly sad way, just in a ‘my little brother mocks me from the corners of the room daily and i can’t even do anything about it bcs he’s DEAD’ way. every time he calls hallucination-Jason an asshole the little prick says ‘ok but you didn’t come to my funeral’ and there’s really no good response to that. so when ALIVE Jason shows up in his apartment and in an emotionally constipated attempt to soften the blow of ‘im not dead, surprise!’ decides to just act casual and brotherly without any big displays or anything, Dick… responds in kind.

Jason: oh thank fuck we’re on the same page. no need for crying or annoying long conversations we can just work on. getting used to being a family again. this is ideal.

Dick: hey the asshole hallucination grew up. my subconscious is getting really creative.

Jason stays at Dick’s place for the next few weeks and they both settle into a comfortable cohabitation in which one brother is really relieved that he can focus on calming the Lazarus rage and being a younger brother without any over-emotional displays he isn’t comfortable with, and the other does not know he is living with a real life other person. it’s honestly the most they’ve ever gotten along before.

the realisation only hits when Jason wakes Dick up at 3 in the morning because he couldn’t sleep and made bbq ribs and wanted to know if he wanted any, and Dick in his barely conscious state was like ‘fuck yeah, hallucination ribs i can TASTE!’ and then the next morning he wakes up with sticky fingers and sauce all over his sheets and the dishes they ate off cleaned and put back in the cupboard, and Dick makes the connection of like. there is no way on earth his half asleep mind would even CONSIDER cleaning up the cutlery after eating. but Jason 100% would. which means Jason cleaned up last night. which means the ribs were real and so was he. which means-

holy fucking shit his brother’s alive

Bruce is not impressed when after the eventual big family reunion he asks Dick why the fuck he didn’t tell anybody else that Jason was alive and Dick goes bright red before mumbling ‘well he didn’t want to share his food until week four of living with me….’

i do love the idea of the Justice League finding out Batman’s identity and the fact that he’s actually just a tired vigilante dad and immediately discrediting his spooky-scary-intimidating reputation, and Bruce just being devastated about it. he worked so hard on that reputation, on that respect, and it’s all down the drain just like that. nobody flinches away from his glare anymore, because they’ve seen him glare at Red Hood and get a spoonful of mashed potato flung into his face for the effort. nobody cares about his threats anymore, because he tried to threaten Red Robin to go home and rest one time and Tim just giggled at him deliriously before mocking his tone and stealing his coffee. they’ve seen him pick a splinter out of a whining Nightwing’s finger mid-meeting. Damian once called him a condomless harlot to his face when he told him not to bring his swords onto the watchtower. he’s lost control.

he decides he wants the fear factor back and in all his brilliant genius, he decides the best way to go about that is to invite the league round for a fancy dinner party, specifically so he can use all his ‘brucie wayne’ acting skills to channel the essence of every creepy-rich-guy-in-haunted-manor movie he has ever seen in his life. it is the only time his kids have been fully onboard and willing to contribute to one of his plans without any complaints. they almost seemed more eager to pull it off than he was.

they spend the entire day making the manor look old and slightly abandoned, much to Alfred’s displeasure, and ensure that the only lighting is a fuck ton of candles, just enough to light the halls while leaving the corners and edges shadowy and ominous. Damian is allowed to have some of his more ‘skittery’ pets roam the manor freely for the night, causing occasional scritches and scratches to come from the ceilings. all of the kids dress in their best funeral attire, apart from Jason who gleefully pulls on an old white shirt stained with blood from when Tim crashed through his window with a stab wound, requesting a medkit.

when the league arrive they’re greeted by all the kids lined up on the staircase, staring at them blankly and ominously, while Bruce gives them all a large grin and ushers them into the creepy looking dining room. the league are somewhat nervous.

during the dinner the kids act completely different than the league have seen them in-mask. polite, cordial, and refusing to show an ounce of emotion. they pick at their food and only speak in vague sentences that refer to various horrific events of their past. Bruce has never been prouder.

the first close call they have to breaking character is when Bruce presents a bottle of red wine without any kind of label. as he pours a slightly disturbed Diana a glass, she asks where he got it from. Bruce happily gestures to Jason as says ‘my second eldest procured it especially for you, earlier today.’

Diana looks across the table at where Jason is grinning eerily at her by candlelight, still visibly stained with blood, eyes glowing slightly green. she pales, and Tim knows he can’t watch her shakily lift the glass to her lips without bursting out laughing. he refuses to be the one who fucks up first, so he dramatically stands up and declares he must ‘go feed the experiments’ before storming out the room. ‘the experiments’ are in reference to the pen of rabbits outside that glow in the dark because Damian rescued them from a testing facility, but given the environmental context it sounds much more sinister.

Jason joins him by the pen to also start wheeze-crying in private about 20 minutes later, because apparently after Oliver Queen had finished with his bbq rib, Damian had leaned over and without blinking stared into his eyes to blankly state ‘i would love to feed your bones to my animal friends, if you don’t need them anymore.’ and from the other end of the table Jason had snorted wine up his nose from how hard he was trying not to break.

amazingly, they never break character, although it came pretty close when after hearing another skitter from somewhere above, Stephanie climbed up from the table into the crystal chandelier and deftly returned to present the table with a large tarantula cradled in her hands, to which Damian stood up and declared, ‘ah, dessert! i will help pennyworth prepare it.’ before taking the animal and leaving to put his beloved spider back in it’s enclosure. the league genuinely seemed to be under the impression they were about to be served a tarantula-based desert, and upon seeing their faces at this realisation Dick had to pretend he’d dropped a fork on the ground so he could duck by Bruce’s chair and stuff a napkin in his mouth while he got his laughter under control. Bruce pats his shaking son’s back below the table cloth, determinedly staring at their guests with that same creepy-grin he’d kept up the entire night.

every member of the league makes their excuses to leave early, much to Bruce’s exaggerated disappointment. the second the last of them is out the door Alfred turns to face the family and says ‘mission accomplished. now get this manor back to it’s proper state.’ and they have the spend the rest of the night cleaning.

totally worth it, in Bruce’s mind. none of the JL will look him in the eye for weeks afterwards, and it was honestly the most successful attempt at family bonding they’d ever had. he wonders if they should make it a monthly thing. It’s also how they find out Damian’s a fucking theatre kid with a gift for the arts which is another revelation in of itself

So, when the Batkids get hurt, like, seriously hurt, they logically know that they best place they could go is the batcave. Fully stocked infirmary, the most updated medical technology possible, and Alfred to give them tea and sew up all of the wounds that they can't quite reach.

However, if any of them are even mildly beefing with Bruce, which they almost always are, they'll be damned if they're gonna face The Disappointed Bat Glare (tm) while also bleeding out, much less the speech that will inevitably follow.

This leads to either

A. The batkids sneaking into each others apartments and safehouses to get help, aka

Tim: -humming to himself as he flicks on the lights of the common room at Titans Tower-

Dick: -slumped on the couch dripping blood from two stab wounds- Hey, Timmy. Could you get your med kit?

Tim: -brief high pitched scream- FUCK!!! -long silence- Yeah, sure.

Dick: Great. Also, Bart heard me calling for you in the dark, and he thought I was a ghost of some sort. I think he ran to Mexico to get away, so you might want to track him down.

B. The batkids attempting to sneak into the batcave and patch themselves up without Bruce realizing they were ever there, aka

Jason: -sneaking through the medical bay in the dark, trying to silently open drawers when the lights suddenly come on-

Alfred: -standing by the light switch- Master Jason, may I inquire as to what you're doing here?

Jason: -actively gushing blood from his side- ....Nothing.

Alfred: Do you require stitches?

Jason: ....No.

Alfred: -actively pulling out the supplies to stitch up his wound- If you say so, Master Jason.

im obsessed with the difference between the Wayne family and the Kent family. like i can imagine Clark and Bruce working on some kind of case at the watchtower when Kon storms in angrily talking about how Jon won’t stop whining to play games on his phone and it’s really getting on his nerves and Clark needs to go and tell him off bcs he won’t listen to Kon, and Clark sighs before turning to Bruce with an eye-roll like ‘kids amiright?’ and then they hear a far off scream from Dick on the other end of the watchtower that’s like ‘BRUCE JASON KEEPS DRESSING UP AS NIGHTWING AND KILLING PEOPLE IN BLUDHAVEN AND NOW IM BEING INVESTIGATED FOR FUCKING MURDER AGAIN!’ followed by an evil Jason-like cackle and a crash, and Bruce just grunts and stands up to go investigate with a chuckle, returning Clark’s look like ‘oh don’t i know it haha’ as if the two are in any way comparable and Clark isn’t staring at him like his whole family is insane

silly little headcanon that, as Robin, each of the Batboys were trained to go limp when being lifted from areas of danger, sort of like how kittens go limp when mother cats grab the scruff of their neck. it just makes so it’s easier for Batman to grab the little Robin from a particularly dangerous area.

i imagine that, even after his Robin days, Nightwing still has going limp trained into him. one time, when he and Starfire were in a particularly dangerous battle and cornered by a cliff edge, Starfire grabs hold of him and he just limp. Starfire assumes something has happened to him and panics, but finds that Nightwing is fine. he’s a bit embarrassed, seeing that he still has his Robin training instilled deeply within him somewhere.

but where it gets even funnier is with Jason. as Robin, it’s always a little cute to see Batman grab him by the scruff of his neck and to see the small child go limp and get carried off into safety. but when Batman and Red Hood get into disagreements during the rare missions that they do come together to take down a common threat, seeing a grown, 6’0” man going limp and then realizing he did so is miraculously laughable. Tim doesn’t let him forget about his Robin habits only to get grabbed and go limp as well.

using “Agent A” as Alfred’s code name and using “B” for Batman’s shortened name in the field suggests there’s a world where “Agent A” is shortened to “A” and everyone in Gotham and on the Watchtower is terrified of him. because they’ve met B. and if this is B??

Damian watches Tim get trolled in a roblox obby twice in a row by some random player and then proceed to track down who turns out to be a 13yr old through his IP address and then not only sends a falsified anonymous tip to his school principal that the kid’s dealing drugs, but digs up dirt on his parents until he can send proof to the kids mom that her husband’s having an affair so that Tim can make the kid a child of divorce. Damian watches all of this while sketching calmly from the other end of the couch and silently wonders how the fuck he managed to get away with trying to kill that guy without getting his own life ruined as consequence

as if sensing his thoughts, Tim glances over and casually points out, “look if i got revenge on YOU for attempted murder then i’d have to be fair and also get revenge on Jason, and to be honest I couldn’t be fucked with that. that guy got dunked in the pit and came back 99% spite, you saw what happened with Bruce. i start that war and it becomes my full time job; not happening.”

Jason’s reading on the armchair and he looks up, blinking twice. When Damian’s mystified gaze turns to him, he blankly states, “there’s a guy in my building who once said it was ‘brave of me to wear such a yellow shirt’ and i’ve been breaking into his apartment weekly to replace every article of clothing he owns with neon yellow versions for the past eleven months because of it.” Damian stares while Tim nods casually, not looking up from his ipad. Jason continues, “he knows it’s me, he just can’t prove it. he tries to hide new clothes from me. he never succeeds. his coworkers call him banana man.”

Damian takes this in before announcing to the room; “i no longer wish to be a part of the Wayne family.”

Bruce is walking past the open doorway and calls out tiredly as he goes, “why do you think Dick went to Bludhaven?”

new fave headcanon: the Batfamily all have devices hidden in their armor's chest insignia (Bat or Robin symbol) such as tasers, batarangs, etc, but the problem is every set of armor is unique so you might slap Red Robin's chest for an extra grapple line and accidentally electrocute yourself on Red Hood's armor doing the same thing later that night. this has led to a (justified) fear among non-Batfamily members who (rightfully) now leave any and all armor alone unless they're absolutely out of options.

(extra hilarious if there's one Bat who just...doesn't have anything concealed in their chest panel and is SUPREMELY offended you just slapped their chest looking for something to use to escape)

When Bruce “died” all his kids ended up gathering together for the reading of his will. Things were split pretty evenly between them with certain assets going to certain people (the company to Tim, the Manor to Alfred etc). At the end of the will there is one last line

“Don’t let your brother turn into a supervillian.”

All of the siblings are busy arguing about who Bruce might be talking about except for Tim and Cass, who are standing away from the group. Tim has an amused gleam in his eye and Cass is staring him down.

“Don’t you dare.” She signs at him knowing full well that Bruce was talking about Tim.

“I’m going to take over the League of Assassins.” He signs back to her.

Which was always the plan, he just couldn’t leave right away. Dick giving Damian Robin was a perfect excuse. Also, Bruce was def alive just lost in the time stream and the league would have the resources he needs to find answers.

Six months later, over 100 bases blown up, and with coordinates to recover Bruce, Tim returns to Gotham. He’s not alone though. Oh no. Drake Industries has had a complete overhaul under the leadership of the teenage heir and if all of the new employees are ninja assassins thats for Tim to know and no one else.

When Bruce returns he gets swarmed with questions from his kids about which brother he was referencing at the end of his will and he gives them all a confused look.

“Tim of course. The kid borrows my morals like library books.” At this, Dick goes ashen.

Tim? Bruce had been concerned about Tim? Tim who has been off the grid for the last 6 months doing god knows what?

“Tim should have known I was referencing him. He should have told you and the fact that he didn’t means I should be concerned.” Bruce glances to his son who can’t contain his smile.

“It’s hardly my fault the Ra’s has the charisma of a used gym sock. Besides, at least I offer benefits and paid time off. Also you don’t have to worry about the LOA anymore. They all work for me now.” He smiles a bit wider and then disappears into the shadows.

Bruce, who wrote that last line after going through Tim’s Young Justice Records, simply signs. “Could be worse. He could have become Gun Batman.” Which unloads an entirely new floodgate of questions from those around him, but as long as his kids are safe, happy, and still walking a mostly moral line then Bruce is happy.

To anyone who thinks Bruce has a clear and consistent favourite child I raise you this: it is infinitely funnier for Bruce to have a complicated and elaborate “ranking” system of his kids that only he’s privy to.

Picture this: Batman, dosed with truth serum, gets asked as a gag from one of the goons holding him captive who his favourite bat-vigilante is and instead of giving a straight answer, he launches into this whole explanation about the ranking system and who’s in the current lead, who’s hanging behind, etc. At some point (this is a mystery to everyone involved) a whiteboard appears and he starts explaining his system like he’s a football coach before an important match. Out of nowhere he starts pulling out little cardboard cutouts of his kids and pins them to the board. At some point the red string comes out.

Jason hasn’t killed someone in a week? Automatically promoted to favourite. Tim hasn’t caused an international incident in the past month? Puts him a few points ahead that keep decreasing the longer he refuses real sleep (20 minute power naps don’t count Tim! Says powernap inventor Bruce Wayne). Cass gave him a hug this morning and wished him a good day? Favourite until he gets a call from dick telling him (without shouting!!!!) that he’ll be there for this week’s Sunday dinner. Duke accidentally scratches the Batmobile? Demoted to the “in trouble” zone (which, honestly, that’s where his kids spend most of the time in😭). Damian did not attempt to free all the animals in the zoo they visited? Favourite. Until Bruce found out he was just trying to conceal the cat hidden in his room that Bruce explicitly forbade him from keeping.

Dick arrives at the family dinner with a busted shoulder and a bruise the size of Texas on his face? Gets demoted so far down that even azraeil scores higher than him. He’s in the “in trouble” zone for a constant month after that. Oh one of them survived an almost death? Favourite for at least the next week. At least. Multiple people survive an almost death? EVERYONES the favourite. The least favourite is the growing grey hairs on his head.

The end of day results are decided by who bothers to wish him goodnight and if all of them have fucked up in some way the past week then Jon (Kent) becomes the automatic favourite until someone cracks a joke that Bruce actually finds funny.

The favourite child changes daily, hourly even, and his kids are aware this system exists and keep trying to crack the code but he always Knows and just smirks smugly.

people don't talk enough about how fucking funny it is that bruce can sub in his kids as batman when he's too busy. like can you imagine it from the league's perspective? imagine you have this really mysterious, geniusly scary guy that you know next to nothing about, never cracks a smile and yet always comes out on top, and one day he shows up to a league meeting and there's just something... off. about him.

you can't pin it down because he's literally acting exactly the same as usual and there's no reason to think there's anything wrong, but maybe he shifted in his seat one to many times, or he looked just a tad bit too bored during green lantern's case review, but something's just... odd. so you quietly ask superman after the meeting if anything's up with the bat bcs you know those two are closer and also clark can hear heartbeats so if something's wrong surely he'll pick it up? and without hesitation he leans over to you and mumbles 'yeah batman was busy, that's his 17 yr old son. he's a crime lord and kills people sometimes though so we're not allowed to let him into the weapons department.' and then walks away like it's normal.

like the whiplash the league must go through every time they realise that no, this is not their fearless dark and brooding leader, this is in fact one of his dipshit kids being forced to sub in bcs the real batman broke an ankle, is incredible.

they think they've finally sussed out all 2 of batman's kids and then one day during a meeting 'batman' ends up on a 30 minute rant about different hacking methods this tech villain could be using that results in him half way through a sentence breaking off to say '-oh uncle clark could you pass me that pen- thanks, anyway so-' and then five minutes after that when the league have all been exchanging incredulous looks he finally freezes and is like. SHIT.

NOT DUKE

bruce who thinks tim is his one good honest and reliable child and his best friend superman who knows full well that tim is full of shit but bruce will not hear a bad word against him and it drives him INSANE

clark watches tim lie through his fucking teeth about a mission that clark was THERE for and he can’t even hear his heart miss a beat. tim grins at him behind bruce’s back and it’s at this point that clark realises that tim can straight up control his heartbeat to the point that not even superman can tell. he usually just doesn’t bother because he knows bruce wont listen to a word clark says anyway so who gives a fuck.

clark is terrified of this child. jon befriends damian and the JLA are confused as to why he’s not even a little worried about his kid hanging out with the scary sword kid but he’s just so relieved bcs next to tim this is nothing.

then kon comes home to introduce his boyfriend and clark’s stood there like. FUCK NO PLEASE GOD

icemav coded

I wonder what the daggers thought of Pete when they first met him.

Of course they already met Captain Maverick Mitchell during their deployment and training detachment. But the Captain is cool and professional, absolutely genius and batshit crazy in the air, but there's a very real distance between them and though he's friendly and they all look up to him, there's still a barrier between them.

Then, one day they're invited over to Roosters House and they meet Admiral Thomas J Kazansky, who is casually sitting in the kitchen. After fumbled introductions are made and a stern look directed at Hangman that nearly made him sink through the floor much to the other daggers amusement, they learn that not only were they standing in the COMPACFLTs house, but he and his husband also raised Rooster after his parents passed.

As of on cue, there was a thunderous racket from the other end of the house, presumably near the garage, with crashes, bangs and wallops. After the quiet descended once again, no one moving a muscle, a strangly familiar voice called faintly from the source of the noise.

"Im okay!"

Admiral Kazansky, or Tom as he preferred simply sighed in a very fond manner, seemingly dripping with love amd exasperation in equal measures and shook his head.

Footsteps were then heard bounding towards the kitchen and a small stream of noise, little tinks of metals, whirring of clogs, bare feet against the floor and swishing clothes. The door swung open and their Captain, Maverick stood there in torn and dirty clothes, his white t shirt covered in mechanical grease and even threadbare in some places. His hair, usually neatly in place at work was a riot on his head, like he just woke up and there was a smear of engine grease down the side of his cheek that he seemed to be oblivious to.

He also didn't seem to notice the extra people there for lunch as his whole being was focused on the small hunk of wires and metal cradled in his big hands, as they weaved and fiddled with it incessantly.

Perhaps most different from their usual image of the Captain was his face. Under his mess of dark hair, there was a high excited flush on his cheeks, his eyes, which some of the dagger squad now realised were actually a bright green, were shining and completely focused on the project in his hands. And perhaps most different, a wide smile shone across his face.

So different from the Maverick smirks or the polite, tight and unamused smiles he gave admirals at work, or even the tired grin he sometimes gave, this was a true smile of absolute joy and happiness. It brightened his face, made him younger and took the shadows away. He was glowing and lighter in his feet even.

Mav didn't look up but bounded over to Ice unfailingly, burrowing into his side and giggling, actually giggling. Ice for his part, lifted his arm in a familiar motion to tuck Mav into his side protectively, cuddling him.

"Ice, Ice, Ice!! I got it!!!!!!"

Mav proudly held up the mess of circuits, metal and wires in his hands, presenting it for inspection.

For a moment the admiral seemed as lost as the other daggers, but then a realisation seemed to dawn and he also grinned wide, bright as Mav and sunshine-y in a way no one would have thought the ice cold admiral capable of.

"It's finally ready?" Iceman gasped, seemingly delighted and shocked!

Mav merely grinned and hummed a happy affirmative to him, still tucked under his arm, back to the daggers and wiggling slightly with untamed energy. The man was practically bouncing in place.

The bright, unguarded smiles, the boundless energy, the clear content happiness the two displayed in the others presence. It was clear. They were more than in love with each other, they were completely enamoured and adoring. This was Admiral Kazansky and Captain Mitchell. It wasn't even Iceman and Maverick. This was Tom and Pete.

The daggers were seeing Pete.