Uranus and Neptune

I have positive news!

I drew today, and I am happy and proud of what I did for now!

(I cannot share, bc it is a commission for a wonderful client and friend)

I was bullied at school. And I just noticed I never even once tried to be mean back to the kids who were mean to me. Who hurt me.

And I was just thinking about it now. Why didn‘t I?

I am not some saint. I too did hurt some people, but never my bullies. And I was just thinking about why that is? I was taught decent manners and empathy yes, but that‘s not the point. At some point you gotta stand up for yourself, right?

If I am genuine, I didn‘t bully them back, because I was terrified of what they would start doing, if they thought their bullying was justified. My brain is in this weird state of: if I stay the victim, I did nothing wrong. The moment I stood up for myself, I was the aggressor. I was to blame for it all. And I didn‘t want to lose the small support I still had.

I was terrified of the things they might do to me and all the things that would come with it. And so I kept quiet. To this damn day.

It is ingrained in my head to be submissive to abuse and hurt and at the same time it is triggering me to the point of complete isolation. Especially from within. I don‘t even know myself at this point, because I fucking learned from these kids, that what I like is wrong, how I look is wrong, how I feel is wrong. Every step I take into my true self feels like I am humiliating myself and I give people a bright blinking target to shoot their insults and poison at.

I try to be liked by everyone. Everything I do needs the approval of my peers. Am I doing the simplest thing right? I do not know.

I am walking on eggshells. Every day of my life.

One day left of work, before my time off, and I can feel the sickness setting in my bones.

… why??

Sometimes you get the intense need to restructure and purge your spotify playlists

I do love art so much.

I am not the type to wander around a museum and stare at a piece for half an hour. Quite honestly, that's not my thing, even though I tried.

What makes me emotional and takes my breath away is watching people creating art passionately. Listening to them talking about their craft, what it means to them and how it is part of their very being. How human it is to create.

I just think there is a lot of pretentiousness in the art industry and it's more soul quenching than anything. It isn't honest. It's always about the money.

And for artists, it isn't really about the money. Yes, we want to survive off of it, and when we can make enough to live truly comfortably, even better. But there are easier ways to make money. We create because it is healing for us. We create because we love creating. Sometimes it's the only thing we are good at.

I love art. The work behind it. Not just the end "product".

Sorry for the negativity. I am just plain sad.

I wish challenges in life would make me feel stronger. But right now it‘s nothing like that. I feel weak and a bit hopeless, to be honest.

I used to be so confident about my art, about my skills, but at the moment I just feel like I have lost everything I once had.

I am really really sad and I feel small. And I really don‘t know how to help myself these days.

I hate feeling like that. I am an artist, as broken as I might be. I just don‘t know how to fix myself again. How to make it work again.

It feels like everything works against me. My brushes, my brain, my hand. It‘s like my whole earlier life was for nothing and I feel so lost.

All my life I have worked to be an artist. And I was really good. My professors were impressed and I really felt like there was a future.

But I don‘t see it anymore. It‘s like the door is gone. I cannot find it anymore, no matter how desperately I am searching.

I don‘t know what to do.

I didn't manage to draw something in february, which kinda annoys me, but it's fine, it's okay. No pressure. I did, though, do a couple of other things, for my sisters baby party, and I also wrote a couple more lines of my manuscript for my graphic novel. So it's alright. I am just a little bummed out that I cannot share anything. But it's fine. Life is like that sometimes.

But, even though I struggle massively with my anxiety again these days, I did manage to go out when it's sunny. It does make me feel better. I'm glad about that. This is kinda my goal this year. I just want to enjoy sunny days outside, rather than spending them in front of my pc. Small steps to happiness.

I had the honor to paint the cover art for my friends Book: Death, The Princes of Hell Series! I think it turned out super neat! If you are interested in the story, HERE is the link <3 Please check it out!

The bottom picture is higher res, so you can see more details :)

Why can’t people just accept my boundaries and be okay with that? Why do people feel the need to try to push past them every now and then?

My discomfort is not a challenge.

I have one big nice picture I did in janurary that I am really proud of. I hope I can do that at least once every month, so I can put it in my portfolio. I hate that most art in my portfolio is already years old, but I am definitely not drawing enough to fill it up only with "recent" art. So fingies crossed I won't feel too overwhelmed with work this month.

just a small colored doodle I did after I worked on a commission for a friend :)