avpd culture is sending asks to people but being SO embarrassed when you do even on anon. oh my god theyre going to HATE ME (im complimenting their art'

avpd culture is not being able to grasp the passage of time because you can't even begin to accept the fact you've thrown away so many years of your life just hiding.

avpd culture is mourning the life you could have if you were 'normal'. avpd culture is constantly asking yourself what your life could've been like if you'd gotten help before it developed, or even just before it got to this point of severity.

[suspected] avpd culture is not being able go anywhere due to the fear of being simply perceived. and on the rare occasion you do go out, constantly checking yourself just in case there's anything about that would make other people view you as disgusting or unlikable or a freak. making sure never to look anyone in the eyes out of fear of interaction planning what and where to buy hours or days beforehand so you can avoid any form of embarrassment from not knowing where something is; hiding in unoccupied isles of stores while you wait for people to leave the isle you need to get to because you can't even bring yourself to say a simple 'excuse me' without feeling like you've completely fucked up your perception of yourself to a literal stranger you'll never meet beating yourself up hours after returning home because you made even the slightest mistake, which could've possibly caught someone's attention and made them judge you, which leads to you never returning to the place in question because that other person could be there and they could perceive you

avpd culture is fantasizing how you would disappear. you keep looking back, wondering if anyone you leave behind would miss you, but going forward, you think this is the better way. you keep looping how you'd leave or just straight up disappear to the point where it feels more justifiable than speaking out. it's a horrible cycle.

CW // Suicidal ideation

AvPD culture is wanting to tell people that you think about dying every day, but being unable to be more sincere than sharing very relatable memes about the World being shit

-🧶

avpd culture is i was feeling awful and a friend (?) said they care about me. now i feel even worse

cuz what if they're lying? what if it's just pity? what if they find me pathetic? why would they care about me? i'm a burden aren't i? why would they bother? what if i do something wrong and they won't care anymore? why did they even say it?

and would they hate me if i told them i can't force myself to believe?

avpd culture is wanting to donate your body to science after you die but then getting freaked out by the fact that others would be paying attention to you and studying you (even though its not "you" anymore)

avpd culture is being so damn tired and so damn resentful of other people. everyone has everything you've ever wanted but they still complain and act like they're suffering the worst. meanwhile nobody ever acknowledges your suffering, but they keep demanding you acknowledge theirs, even though their trauma is a metaphorical tiny scratch compared to your severed arteries

avpd culture is wanting to have a sign off so i remember which ones ive sent but fearing people piecing together who i am if all of them are tagged together. its better to stay anonymous.

avpd culture is holding back on asking everyone "hey, you would tell me if you didn't want me here, right? you would tell me if you were tired of me and not just silently continue to tolerate/hate my existence, right?"

also prev anon avpd culture is also me being afraid to tell you exactly what relations i have with those "close people" cause it feels too personal lmaooo

Avpd culture is blocking my friends on every social media because the things I post online are too personal for people I'm close to to see. Avpd culture is deleteing every single post off a social media account and never planning to post to it ever again cause someone saw it.

avpd culture is abandoning a community and refusing to check it for days to show yourself you've moved on and then you check to see if anyone is talking about how they notice you're gone and miss you and maybe sympathize with the random reasons you chose to roll with this time. but they aren't. they don't notice. and then you feel like shit. of course they don't care about me. And this is a good thing actually because they're just proving I was right to do this

AVPD is submitting an ask and then going "wait. no. wait. NOO. NONONO I WANT TO TAKE IT BACK-"

AVPD culture is trying to send compliments to the artist in the DISCREETEST way possible (comments, easy-to-overlook reblog tags, sending fanart but not @'ing the artist) and then being TERRIFIED when the artist finds it.

AVPD culture is reading a callout post about something you've literally never heard of and thinking "oh they're talking about me. oh no oh no oh no I'm sorry-"

AVPD culture is always turning on anon in blogs whether or not the opinion/thing you're sharing is personal. because. what if you fuck up and everyone knows it's you and everyone hates you forever?

AVPD culture is wanting to talk to your mutuals but thinking everyone is following you out of pity/pressure/obligation/you following them first, and trying to talk to them would be super disrespectful.

AVPD culture sometimes means accidentally turning off anon is your WORST NIGHTMARE.

AVPD culture is posting/unposting/editing and undoing a LOT.

AVPD culture is thinking all your favorite artists would hate your guts and you should avoid letting them meet you at all costs even though it would be a dream come true

avpd culture is why am i even trying anymore? who cares. i don't even like anyone in this bullshit group chat, so why am i trying if i'm just going to leave again?