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For once i wanted to live

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."

                                                                                                                                                ~Lemony Snicket

The lady sipped her drink quietly, the silence evading her space, her thoughts wandering away. She stared ahead, first at the wall and then at something in my way. Was she looking at me?

I froze, not even daring to move. She moved her head to the right as she looked out the window and sighed. I stood there being a mere watchman of the scene that unfolded before me. She looked serene, and calm, fragile like a crystal glass. I sighed deeply. How I wish she could see me...

She put her drink down and stood up, walking away to the other room. I followed her not quiet knowing why I did.

The steps creaked lightly as she made her way upstairs. I followed behind. She stood in front of a room. It was my room. The same place where I used to sleep, study, do all the crazy stuff, read books, sing and what not. I smiled lightly as I entered after her. Sitting on the cold bed, she looked around. I could see her eyes fill in. The tears trickled down her face. But I wasn't there to wipe them off now. I wanted to be there for her like she was there for me. She was my mom after all.

The pain was real. And pain always demanded to be felt. I felt my heart ache even more as she clutched her hand on the photograph of me and my boyfriend placed on the bedside table. She never said a no to me. Not even when I started dating him, even though she had strict rules on how my future boyfriend was. She was happy with us. She wanted to see us get married, see us have our kids and all. She sniffled trying to not cry anymore, but she couldn't. I couldn't see this anymore. I walked out not wanting to see her cry.

I descended the stairs slowly and I saw him. The love of my life. I was happy. I looked at him longingly. I remembered of how he would scoop me off the ground just to hug me. How he would playfully avoid holding hands just to hold it his way. How he would act all mean to me but was totally soft inside in front of his friends.

 I stepped away from the stairs, never taking my eyes off him. He still looked breathtaking as ever. The same brown cat eyes that held a bit of mischief in them, the same high point nose, the same plump luscious lips, the small mole on his nose.I don't know for how long I stared at him. But then my mom walked past me. I didn't notice her coming down. She smiled at my love.

"How are you, mom?" those were the words that left his mouth

"Fine son... you shouldn't have taken the trouble to come here."

"I... know... I-I just missed her. And-" his voice broke towards the end.

My mom just went and hugged him. I did choose the right man after all, didn't I mom?

"She's down there ,at the kirkyard ... she must be waiting for you, son, go meet her..."

I followed him out of the house behind him. It felt like old times when we both goofed around.

Slowly he walked towards where I was buried. He stood there looking at the grave stone. He smiled at the stone. The tears were evident in his eyes. And that was what broke me. He never cried. Not even during the darkest days or the worst hours. He always had that smile on his face that always had my heart fluttering. But here he was for the first time crying in front of me.

"Hi baby..." he said. "I picked up some flowers on the way. Your mom's fine. . ." he looked around.

"And more than anything I missed you..." like a whispered secret he mumbled under his breath.

And I saw the few tears that rolled down his face. I knew I had the right one but yet again life gave different paths for both of us.

 I meant the world to him. I had promised him that I would be there for him no matter what. I had promised him that I would make him proud of me. I had promised that I would come back ... home. I had promised to get home for Christmas wrapped up in presents for my family; instead I had come home wrapped up inside the coffin. Yes. I died. I was never afraid of death, I still am not and I never will be, but it killed me inside to see them all broken and helpless cause I wasn't there.

and For once I wanted to live.

this is from my wattpad writings....

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