I asked a New Zealander how many girlfriends he has had..
But he fell asleep while counting them.
A man every time he smokes, he always smokes 2 cigarettes at the same time
And then one of his friends asks “why do you always smoke two cigarettes at the same time?”
The man replies: “my brother is in prison, he told me to smoke a cigarette instead of him every time i smoke one for myself”
After some time his friend sees him smoking one cigarette and not two he becomes surprised and asks him “why is it? Has your brother been freed from prison?”
The man replies: “nah man, I myself quit smoking”
A journalist interviews a farmer: “if you have two bungalows, are you willing to give one to the country?” The farmer, without hesitation, “sure! For communism!”
Journalist: “if you have two tractors, will you give one to the country?” Farmer: “of course! For the better development of our country!”
Journalist: “if you have two million bucks, will you give one million to the country?” Farmer: yes! For the livelihood of our comrades!”
Journalist: “if you have two cows, will you give one to the country?”
The farmer keeps silent and looking at the journalist, so the journalist has to ask again: “will you?”
The farmer answers firmly: “No”.
The journalist is confused: “you are so generous about money and houses and tractors, but why do you draw the line at cows?”
“Because”, says the farmer: “I do have two cows”.
Sex on the Sabbath
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or pleasure. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays".
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex"? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.
He queries the minister and receives the same reply: "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath"!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely pleasure".
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work"?
The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it".