A Texan farmer went on a vacation to Australia! 

A Texas farmer went on vacation to Australia. He met up with an Australian farmer who prouldly showed off his wheat field.

"That's nothing" said the Texan. "Back home, we have wheat fields that are twice as large as this."

Next the Australian pointed out his cattle.

"They're nothing," said the Texan. "Back home, we have longhorns that are twice as big as your cows."

Just then, half a dozen kangaroos bounded across the road.

"What are those?" asked the Texan.

The Australian replied, "Don't you have grasshoppers in Texas?"

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. 

Every evening, she goes to the bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.

What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the doctor, “Take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is this bar?”

Just Fred! 

A FLORIDA Highway Patrol officer stops a man on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. But, to play around with him the officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a 'nut case' on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.'

I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD.

Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

A blonde moment. 

One day a blonde came home from school, excited, and said to her mother, “Hey, Mom! Today in school we learned to count. The other kids could only count to three but I can count to ten….. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!”

“Very good honey.” responded her mother.

“Is that because I’m a blonde mom?” asked the blonde.

“Yes dear.”

Next day the blonde came home, went to her mother and said, “Today in school we learned our ABC's. The other kids could only get to D but I can get to K! …. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K!”

“Very good honey,” her mother said.

“Is that because I’m a blonde?”

“Yes dear.”

The third day the blonde come home from school and said to her mother, “Mom today in school we went swimming, but I was the only one who had breasts. Is that because I’m a blonde?”

A man foolishly asked his wife why she kept staring out of the window. 

Taking a very deep breath she replied, "I'm really fed up with the state of Mrs Brown's blinds. Mrs Perkins' aren't much better. And that Mrs Lewis - scruffy cow. Look at them - filthy. They're just not house proud like me. Dirty blinds are such an eyesore. If you were a real man you'd go over and get them to do something about it. In fact, you must - I won't stand for it any longer."

"I'll tell you what," her husband said as he peered through the window beside her, "I'll see what I can do."

The following morning, she approached him, beaming.

"I can't believe it. The blinds. They're all immaculate. What did you say to those women?"

"Nothing," he told her, "I just cleaned the window."

Dad's comeback! 

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he’s 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting nearby.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors—green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. Every time the teen looked over, he’d catch my dad still staring.

Eventually, the teenager had enough and sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food to avoid choking on his comeback. I knew he’d have a good one, and, of course, in classic fashion, he didn’t even blink when he replied:

“Got drunk once and had a wild night with a parrot. Just wondering if you were my son.”

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday. “I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs.” 

I said, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded, saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his back pocket, the officer pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face. “See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish… on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand?”

I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull! With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he’d get gored before reaching safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

So, I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs.

“Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!!”

I had to apologise to the old lady across the street for accidentally flashing my willy at her…. 

She said don’t worry, it’s no biggie.

My son was just born, and another dad at the nursery, congratulated me, and said his daughter was born yesterday said maybe they’ll marry each other someday. 

Sure, only if my son is into marrying someone twice his age…yeah right!

Canadians in Australia 

A couple of gals from Canada decide to travel to Australia over the winter to get a break from 40 below, ice and snow.

They're sitting at a club in Perth, enjoying the sunshine and sipping on a cold drink.

Two of the local lads see them and one says "Hey, why don't you ask the ladies over to join us?"

Sure thing. He walks over and says "G'day, ladies, haven't seen you around here before, where are you from?"

One of the women looks up with a big smile and proudly says "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan!"

He looks at them, blinks a couple of times and walks away.

He goes back to his buddy who says "Are the ladies coming over, or should we join them over there?"

His friend replies "They don't speak English."

“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you in. Our casino has a very strict dress code, and you don’t have a tie.” 

“But that gentleman over there is completely naked.”

“Yes, but he’s leaving.”

My grandad told me he’s never committed six of the seven deadly sins. 

He’s just too lazy to tell us which ones."

Politician dies and is given the choice between going to Heaven or Hell, but first he is given a tour of both places.

The tour of Heaven goes as expected, it's all vibrant, sunny, peaceful with charming harp music playing. There are people dressed in white robes walking around, everyone appears happy and peacefully. But honestly seems a little boring.

Then the politician gets a tour of Hell and it's not at all what he expected.

In hell he is shown all of his favorite things: beautiful golf courses, free everything, infinite booze, all his old friends, partying, drugs, prostitutes. The politician can't believe it, it's like all of his epic nights out combined and stretched out to infinity.

When it's time to make his choice, rather surprisingly the politician chooses Heaven.

The devil, completely shocked by this choice asks him "Well why did you choose Heaven after I showed you how incredibly Hell would be for you"

The politician then replies "I know false promises in a campaign when I see them"

A man with two buckets of fish was leaving Galveston beach when a game warden stopped him.

The warden asked, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!"

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the beach, let them swim around for about a half-hour, and when I whistle, they jump back into my buckets. We do this every night."

"That’s the biggest load of hooey I’ve ever heard," said the warden.

"No, really," the man said. "Here, I’ll show you."

And he releases the fish into the ocean.

They wait. Minutes go by.

The warden says, "Well?"

The man replies, "Well what?"

"When are you going to call them back?"

The man says, "Call who back?"

The warden snaps, "The fish!"

And the man shrugs and says, "What fish?"

Three Russian men were sent by their company to attend a convention in Moscow. All 3 shared a hotel room. Two of them cracked open a bottle of vodka, but the third just wanted to sleep.

The two drinkers got louder and louder as the bottle emptied, telling each other political jokes. The third was kept awake, and got angry.

He went outside for a smoke. On his way back to his room, he stopped at the desk and said 'Please send a pot of tea up to room 23.'

The two drunks were still being loud. The third man went in, looked at them, then leaned over to the light socket 'Comrade Major, please send some tea to my room.'

The other men thought this was hilarious...until there was a knock on the door, and a waiter with a pot of tea.

They became completely silent, and the third man fell asleep.

When he woke up in the morning, he was alone. He went to the front desk, and asked where his roommates were.

'Well, the KGB came this morning and took them away.'

The man was horrified 'Why did they spare me?!?'

"The comrade major thought the tea joke was very funny."

An owner had a racehorse that had never won a race. 

Finally the owner lost patience and warned the horse: “Either you win this afternoon or you’ll be pulling a milk wagon tomorrow morning.”

That afternoon, the horse was lined up with the others in the starting gate. As the stalls opened, the rest of the field raced away, but as the gate was removed, the owner saw his horse fast asleep on the track.

Angrily he ran over, kicked the horse and yelled: “Why are you sleeping?”

The horse wearily lifted its head and replied: “I have to get up at three in the morning.”

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16 

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute." she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and sat down at a desk. "Well, come on," she said, "we don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW. I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown, "Did you put that condom on?" she asked.

I said, "I sure did." and held up my thumb to show her.