Anna Rose

-n.c. // i miss my mom.

12/12/24

i used to be terrified of flying

i once was 11 holding my big sisters hand during take off and landing, the shaking and turbulence making my grip as hard as I could. I began flying on my own by the time I was 14 to see my sister up north, and I couldn’t even lift my carry on over my head. Kind strangers traveling with their families would take pity on me and help. I don’t talk to that sister anymore, and now I can lift my baggage over my head easily. Eventually I stopped shaking as the plane took off, and landing felt second nature. I flew with my best friend in college once, and she was scared of flying. We were 20 and I held her hand the whole hour flight to our college town. We don’t speak anymore. I flew across the world and spent 3 weeks waking up before the sun to catch flights and making connections and mastering the language that travelers spoke, flight details and terminals and shortcuts and check ins becoming instinctual. I flew back to the states and learned how to fall in love, to speak another language. I am flying today to see friends that have flown to see me in the past 3 months, and I understand that overcoming fear is worth it for the people you love, that I am still scared of heights and the 11 year old in me still holds my big sisters hand in my mind, but I am now grown and I cannot pretend that I do not trust myself, that I can rely on myself to get to the ones I love.

- n.c.

- n.c. // thank god

-n.c. // i caught my breath, and the love of my life

- n.c. // I never thought this great of love was meant for me

- n.c. // I’m afraid but strong

I haven’t written about my life lately. Not like I used to, when I was 16 in my bedroom, looking to be understood by others, craving connection and expression. Now I write when I need to understand myself, I write briefly and objectively every morning. But I was wondering if I still had it in me today, to be vulnerable and share it with the world. And I think I do. I’ve been writing for 8 years, and this is a part of me that has never not been important to me. I value it more than anything, it has been a cornerstone for making me who I am today, for keeping me here. So, today sitting on the couch in my college house with my roommate silently both listening to music and enjoying the peace, I am writing. I am looking at myself and trying to find the poet that I used to be. I hope that I never lose this part of me.

- n.c. // poet in me

-n.c. // I hope you know

- n.c. // I won’t beg, but I’ll pray.

-n.c. // if i were to fall, i am happy it’s for him

- n.c. // he is teaching me a new lesson, one where I realize you never deserved me

“and I think, every once in a while, he might be the love of my life. And then I hear my thoughts and I know I am horrid, horrible for thinking that and yet rejecting myself, him, of the chance of us over and over again. I cannot stomach myself and I cannot love and I cannot live with the fact that I do not love myself enough to accept what is so good, so real right in front of me, and so I bury the thought, I cover it up, and I move forward. He doesn’t know, and I pretend. No one came ever read my mind and know that I sometimes had hope for us too. No one can look at me and think, maybe she also wanted him. Because that would make it real. So I move forward, I cover it up, and I bury it in a hurry of action and talk and I know the only person who will live with it, will be me. And I can accept that for myself, but I do not want to make him suffer more than he has.”

- n.c. // I want to be okay with love, but I do not know how to fall

-n.c. // everything can start again

I think I haven’t gotten a good night of sleep in weeks, but I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll wake up at 2:00 am so I don’t have to dream about you. these crescent circles under my eyes have tattooed themselves onto my skin, forever keeping me company since you decided you didn’t want to. I’ve been smiling and laughing and keeping every hour full of tasks and to dos and I’ve been posting photos of my friends and sunsets and it seems like I have kept myself together so well. But I wish I didn’t have to prove that I don’t miss you when it’s so clear to me that I do. I wish I knew it was enough to miss you to have you back, but I will not beg for anyone to love me and it felt like everytime I saw you, I was saying please. One day I think I’ll be able to sleep through the night, and maybe it’ll be in someone else’s arms.

-n.c. // it’s better to have loved and lost?

- n.c. // you are the ocean in my mind

The birds are chirping, the sun is shining, I can run in the morning light, and it isn't so hard anymore.

-n.c. // spring has come