GRACEY

More and more people have started talking about this online which is really nice to see, but I kinda just wanted to go off on a little tangent about never really dating or having much romantic experience and how that has effected my self esteem.

I feel like people say the cliche things like “learn to love yourself first” or “it’ll come when you least expect it” but honestly the more I hear it, the more frustrated I become.

I won’t lie, when I was younger I really did think something HAD to be wrong with me in some way for nobody to see me in a romantic light. It’s taken a lot of work to build myself up into the person I am today, and I’m genuinely very proud of how far I’ve come in terms of the way I feel about myself and my body and the way I’m perceived. I still have bad days, but I don’t think there’s a single person out there who doesn’t. But those bad days are few and far between.

I can honestly say that I do love myself. I think I’m a good person and a kind person and a patient person. I’m a romantic at heart and I have so much love to give but nobody to give it to.

I’ve never had anyone actively seek me out for a relationship. I’ve never been formally asked on a date, the one boyfriend I have had ended up cheating on me.

When you go through life like that, never receiving any kind of validation that you are worthy of being viewed in that way, it becomes incredibly difficult to believe you ever will. It’s so so hard for me to imagine someone else loving me or being interested in that way. Like I can honestly say that I don’t really know what to do if someone compliments me, I doubt I’d really know if I was being flirted with….. and as much as I would really love to get the opportunity to experience romance, I feel like I’ve been so conditioned to think that it’s something that I’ll never have that I wouldn’t be able to identify romantic interest if it hit me with the force of a speeding train.

Maybe this all sounds incredibly trivial and shallow, but honestly I just want to understand what it feels like to have someone love me that way. Yes I have friends and family who love me, but familial and platonic love just aren’t the same.

And onto the topic of “It’ll come when you least expect it” or “just wait, it’ll happen when the time is right.” WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO WAIT TO BE LOVED! I see so many people experiencing romance every day, why not me? Am I not just as deserving?

This whole rant might come off as bitter, and maybe I am. I just hope at the very least that maybe someone else can relate and maybe feel a little less alone in their experience.

Sometimes I wonder what I was really put on this earth for. As of late, I feel as if I’m in some sort of limbo. Doing the same thing day in and day out. Over and over in an endless cycle, yearning for something to come along and give it all meaning.

It really makes me consider if a “higher purpose” or a deeper understanding of life will ever really come along, or if I’m just doomed to repeat the same mundane things until I inevitably croak.