Like I give a Fuck

Item: Spider-Man fountain that sprays gay beer that turns grass into astroturf

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

i do bite my thumb, sir

Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?

is the law on our side if i say ay?

No

no, sir, i do not bite my thumb at you sir; but I bite my thumb, sir

Do you quarrel, sir?

quarrel, sir? no sir

if you do, sir, i am for you: i serve as good a man as you

No better

well, sir

DOST THOU WANT TO FUCKING GO, SIR?

DOST THOU THINK THOU CAN FUCKING TAKE ME, BRO?

DOST THOU EVEN HOIST? OUT TO THE COURT YARD, WITH HASTE.  

So one of my tweets kinda blew up. :v

This reminds me of the time that a Hungarian doctor called Ignaz Semmelweiss noticed that the bulk of patients in a maternity ward treated by doctors were dying horribly, while the ones treated by nurses were more likely to survive.

He figured out that this was because the doctors were dissecting corpses inbetween delivering babies, while the nurses weren’t, and came up with his controversial “hey, why don’t we all wash our filthy, filthy hands before sticking them in a woman?” theory.

The result, short term, was that the mortality rate on this one maternity ward decreased by a ridiculous amount. They went from “write your will before you come here, because you’re probably gonna die” to “we’re not 100% sure, but you’ll probably live”.

The result, long term, was that Semmelweiss was hated by absolutely everybody, lost his reputation and had his career suffer terribly.

His eventual reward was that eventually people finally started sashimg their hands with soap before operations, history remembers him as a misunderstood hero, and the instinctive angry and defensive reaction so many people give whenconfronted with new ideas that conflict with their established view of the world is now called ‘the Semmelweiss reflex’.

Because some people care more about themselves not being wrong than they do about things in general being right.

a professor told his class “consciousness doesnt exist. there are only neurons”

a student stood up “would you eat a raw egg and then drink oil and vinegar?”

“no” the professor replied.

“would you eat mayonnaise? perhaps on a sandwich or with some fries”

“of course” the professor replied, unsure of the purpose of this inquiry.

“mayonnaise is made from these very things and yet when combined, new properties arise.”

the professor was astounded. “what is your name?” he demanded

“shadow the hedgehog” said the student

i love this omg

No way i got this picture

images that WILL go triple platinum if i have my way

The grim reaper was initially illustrated as doing a mundane, regular job that everyone has seen done - a reaper swings his scythe and the hay falls, just as easy as people fall as death swings. Now many people who have never been to a farm only know the scythe as the weapon of Death personified, and farmers in most places of the world don't even use them anymore.

Imagine Death personified as someone doing a modern regular, mundane job. Imagine thinking "hoo boy, this is it for me. The Grim Bin Man is coming to collect, hauling my sorry soul into the trash compactor of his great eternal garbage truck."

My oven has given up and is just giving me bullshit times

fucking dying. thank you for your wisdom tumblr user sexwizard

i found the fire emblem 3ds font you know what that means

This is it, this is my worst joke for sure

new weed idea

Had to ban the phrase “tricky dick” from my classroom during watergate lesson because saying the word dick in front of 30 fifteen year olds is like lighting a bomb and throwing it through the doorway but now they’re just calling him Richard the Treacherous like they’re all medieval peasants. gonna lose it

Don't ever tell them two of his campaign slogans:

Not only were these real, my mom--who, give her some grace, was 19 at the time and thought it was hilarious--supported Nixon specifically to get an I LIKE DICK button. I've seen photos of her wearing it.

@theprissythumbelina

the connotation of dick to mean penis goes back to like the 1800's so there really isn't an excuse, Nixon just Did That.

oh my fucking god Nixon was Bad but I keep learning fucking hilarious shit about him like the not being able to open pill bottles and trying to CHEW THEM OPEN

DO THIS FOR DENALI TOO!!!

While renaming the Gulf of Mexico to Gulf of America, Trump also renamed the Alaskan mountain Denali to Mt. McKinley. It was named Denali by the Koyukon Athabaskans for centuries until a gold prospector came around and decided to rename it when exploring the area. The name wasn't properly restored until the Obama administration rectified the change in 2015 after a decades long campaign from the state of Alaska and Native Alaskan groups within.

I'm going INSANE over people forgetting Denali in all of this