James : ( First day at Hogwarts )

Draco : He’s too young. He’s a baby. He needs supervision.

Harry : Draco, he’s eleven.

Draco : Exactly. You were eleven when you fought a troll, got possessed by Voldemort, and nearly died in the Forbidden Forest.

Harry : I was an exception--

Draco : HE IS YOUR SON, POTTER. AN EXCEPTION IS INEVITABLE.

Harry : Is it getting hot in here, or is it just you?

Draco : It’s definitely me. But if you keep talking like that, it might be us.

Draco : Why is there a goat in my bathroom?

James : Dad said I could keep him.

Draco : Harry James Potter—

Harry : In my defense, I thought James meant a “great” pet, not a “goat” pet.

Draco : WHAT PART OF 'THAT IS A FARM ANIMAL' DID YOU NOT QUESTION?!

James : Dad, I dare you to drink this potion I made in Potions class.

Harry : Alright bet. ( chugs it )

Draco : HARRY, YOU ABSOLUTE MORON, WHAT IF IT’S POISON?!

James : Oh, it totally is.

Harry : Oh.

Draco: OH?!

James : If you and Dad got divorced, who would I live with?

Draco : Me, obviously.

Harry : That’s not how custody works—

James : Okay, but who would I WANT to live with?

Draco : Still me.

Harry : This is a trap, don’t answer—

James : I’d choose Uncle Ron.

James : Papa, do you love me?

Draco : Of course, darling.

James : Would you still love me if I was a worm?

Draco : Absolutely not.

James : DAD, PAPA’S A MONSTER.

Harry : To be fair, I would also have some questions if my son suddenly turned into a worm.

James : I HATE THIS FAMILY.

James : Papa, what’s it like being married to Dad?

Draco : Imagine keeping a pet you constantly have to stop from running headfirst into traffic.

Harry : Rude, but not inaccurate.

Harry : You know what they say, happy wife, happy life!

Draco : Then why do you insist on making me miserable, Harry?

James : Papa! Dad stole my chocolate!

Draco : HARRY JAMES POTTER.

Harry : Okay, first of all, let’s not throw around accusations—

James : IT’S IN YOUR MOUTH!

Harry : Fair enough.

Harry : Why are you mad?

Draco : Oh, I don’t know, maybe because you left the house wearing that.

Harry : What’s wrong with my shirt?

Draco : It says “Kiss the Auror” and we’re in public.

Harry : So?

Draco : SO, people actually did it, HARRY.

Draco : I want a divorce.

Harry : ( without looking up ) Okay.

Draco : …What, no fight?

Harry : Nah, you say this every time I eat the last scone.

Draco : It was a cranberry scone, Harry. You know those are my favorite.

Harry : And you know I fear nothing.

Draco: ( just woke up )

Draco : Why is there a kid in the kitchen?

Harry : That’s our son, James.

Draco : ...When did we have a kid?

Harry : Draco, we’ve had James for seven years. You gave birth to him.

Draco : Damn...

Draco : ( whispering ) That does sound like me..

Draco : ( attempts cooking )

Draco : ( sets the kitchen on fire )

Harry : Are you trying to kill us before Voldemort does?

Draco : I followed the recipe!!

Harry : You read poetry, Draco. Not cookbooks.

Draco : Not my fault eggs don’t behave like metaphors.

Harry : Ode to a Burnt Omelet.

Draco : ( snorts )

James : What the fu-

Harry : EXCUSE ME??

Hermione : LANGUAGE.

Ron : WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT??

Draco : Not in this house, young man.

James : You all swear!

Draco : DO AS WE SAY, NOT AS WE DO.

Harry : ( Gets sick )

Draco : I will take care of you.

Harry : ....

Draco : Here! Drink this soup. Harry : ( Gets worst after drinking it )

Harry : What the hell did you put into this?

Draco : Love.

Harry : And Poison. Apparently.

Harry Potter and the Pretty Blond Healer. (Feat. James S. Potter being a lil shit)

James : Dad, you’re literally in love with Healer Malfoy.

Harry : Shut up, James.

James : No, seriously. You make excuses to see him.

Harry : I do not.

James : You show up at St. Mungo like 'Oh, I sneezed, Imma just go see Draco.'

Harry : First of all, I did sneeze--

James : HA-

Harry : Shut the fuck up, Kid.