the old feeling are settling back in, i fear there is still no peace on my horizon

im the type of person people like when they're bored.

i don't think i am meant to love or be loved. I may just be meant to help others and be there for them when needed. I think i may just be best alone

i think my head was filled with flowers at one point.

slowly, one by one, i could feel them wilt and wither away.

now there is a dead bouquet in my mind,

rotting away.

my mind will never let me know peace.

and maybe i don't deserve it at this point.

but god do i yearn for it.

tw// sh

trying so hard to keep myself from h*rting myself again. mental illness will never let me know peace

it's almost been 10 years with depression. I don't know when it will stop, i am so tired.

i finally broke things off. i have lacked self respect for so long and I know it is time for me to turn things around. i feel like i don't deserve to feel sad bc I am the one who ended things, but i never wanted to make him sad, even though I have been sad for so long.

i feel so spineless for not sticking up for myself. why can't i just make decisions that I know will make me happy.

it feels like he does not think my feelings are valid or worthy enough. as if his struggle is more important than mine. everytime i try to talk about what I am going through, he has to stay he is going thru worse. i feel like i am constantly trying to breathe and yet he doesn't even listen

i fear that my mental illness continues to consume me. nothing i do is ever enough. while i simultaneously am too much to be around. i want to feel sane, to feel like i am not being critiqued at all times. i have a yearning sensation for peace within my life. to feel a mutual admiration from those who are close to me. To feel like i am not a burden. to feel wanted without being a disturbance.

i wish i were able to explain my every action. i want to be understood. to let people know my behavior is not out of place. i do not want people to misinterpret the things i do. i don't want to be viewed in a negative light. i just want to fit in.

i don't know how to keep going with him. i see him trying to get better and not acting as he did before, but I can't forget the things he said to me and the way he said them. I know i should feel lucky he is trying to improve, but his words only seem to echo in my mind.

is isolation better than being in a relationship where i constantly feel like i'm a burden

failure to be loved for anything more than my body

if i cannot be adored in the way that I so desire, i will instead isolate myself

stop making me feel like i am overly emotional when i simply am feeling the way that i am feeling