Taraneh by Gaby Ravet for Alt Press Mag, Summer 2024 issue
journal entry #3 11/6/22
I’ve been thinking about how one event can change the course of your life, set the tone. Change your outlook, your standards, the opportunities that come, the people in your life, the trauma you need to heal from, the joy you feel. I put out into the universe a few days ago that i am ready for new experiences that i don’t need to heal from. i don’t know why i never thought about making that distinction before.
I guess needing to heal from something (depending on what it is and what kind of healing) can be valuable. it’s growth, perspective, learning and unlearning, boundaries, etc etc. But i will say, i’m getting a little tired of devoting so much of my ambient energy or my thoughts to healing, unlearning, unpacking etc. i wouldn’t change a thing. i’ve learned, i’ve grown immensely. but new experiences that i don’t need to heal from have immense value too, or at least that’s what i think from where i’m standing.
i’ve moved every six months for the past six years. i’ve lived in five cities. i’ve moved back and forth between new york and boston six times. six six six. i’ve craved intimacy, i’ve chased intimacy, i’ve run from intimacy (romantic, platonic, everything outside and in-between). I’ve really been building the life of my dreams, which i’m incredibly grateful to be able to say. but for much of this time, i’ve also failed to meet my basic needs, to devote intentional time to experiencing joy. that changes now.
laughter is the same in every language
i never thought i’d treasure the feeling of coming home after school and laying on the couch, just my mom and i alone in the house, in silence, tv blaring in the background. my body is hot, feverish feeling of exhaustion, and the heat of the house is just kicking in. it’s 5pm, dark, cold, and the same conditions await me tomorrow, until they don’t.
journal entry #2 11/5/22
Every time I see my friend James I say “I’m going to quit vaping.” Every time I see anyone, really, I say I’m going to quit vaping. I tried, in earnest, back in August. August 1, I threw away my juul and swapped it for cigarettes in my pursuit of weaning off nicotine. Unfortunately, this happened to coincide with the final stretch of reporting on a major investigative article I was writing at the time, so I started smoking a bunch of cigarettes. Then I started telling everyone, and myself in the mirror everyday, that I’m going to quit cigarettes.
Now, after two weeks of chain-smoking in berlin (I should’ve probably warned way up top that these little journal entries will be filled with the cringiest, most cliche descriptions of life as a 23 year (consider this that warning)) I have absolutely no craving for cigarettes. big win. a few people when im walking around have asked me to bum one just looking at me and I felt bad truthfully explaining that I have no cigarettes on me... maybe I will carry them just for that purpose... but I digress.
Anyway, it’s funny and maybe tragic that I have become *that* person. That person who is fighting the grips of addiction, clawing out. On the scale of addictions, nicotine is not bad. It’s caffeine or sugar compared to alcohol or opiates or sex for that matter, but it’s an addiction nonetheless.
i would do well as an orator. Sometimes I wish I could screenshot the contents of my brain and keep them in a folder. I imagined this crazy drawing/design once that I wish I could photocopy or scan and just see with my eyes. The most prolific words, sentences, structures come to me when I’m walking around at night with my headphones on (not playing any music, just for show so no one talks to me or so I can talk to myself and pretend im on the phone, lololol). Oh, and when I’m in the shower. Groundbreaking. I almost destroyed my phone once because I needed to write something in my notes. Maybe talk-to-text would serve me well, but it’s gotta be faster than that.
I forgot how valuable anonymity is for the quality and range of my work and creative expression. im able to share so much more without fear when i know that no one really knows who is posting or sharing or behind it all. food for thought.
journal entry #1 11/5/22
It’s a relief being back in New York. I’m realizing that I’ve missed the low-stakes freedom of expression blogging offered me for years of my life. With the speed and variety of everything happening, it’s easy to forget where I am, what I’m doing, how I’m feeling, etc. After failing miserably to check in with myself this summer, revisiting my blog here is my solution.
I saw the movie Holy Spider today at the IFC Center in Greenwich Village. I essentially never go over there (or the west side in general), but there was a time when i did. It brings back memories of a really tumultuous time in my life circa 2019 walking past the piercing shop and caffe reggio. reminds me that change is a good thing (something I know but we can all use reminders, at least I can right now).
The film was beautiful. It feels like a rare privilege to consume media in a western context framed in my mother tongue, Farsi. Watching the film made me realize the allegiance I feel to my people in iran and the disdain I hold for the regime (and that I’m ready to advocate for change, even if it feels like some futile, virtue-signaling pursuit). Because of social media, in my head solidarity has been framed as virtue signaling. But I have nothing to prove. And solidarity, historically, is a worthy pursuit. I met a woman in the bathroom after. We chatted. She’s gonna send me some protest info.
I’ve previously never written or spoken openly about my views toward iran’s regime. One can guess where I stand, but since I’ve returned every year these past 23 years of my life to see my family, it’s a topic I’ve stayed away from. And I’ve been determined to return, despite my profession in journalism (one of the regime’s least favorite). But my family says it’s too dangerous for me to return anytime soon, especially with protests. I will return soon. I will see my grandma. But until then, I will use my voice. In the right ways (article pending).
I wanted to go sit in the park but I’d rather sit in my room and talk things through with myself today. Plus I have an article I’ve gotta write asap (different article from aforementioned). I woke up this morning feeling happy. I am making some major changes in my life surrounding routine, discipline, action, outlook — a major and long-overdue overhaul, if you will.
I wonder what my tumblr friends from 2013-2016 are up to now. I still have like 13k followers on this blog but imagine that most accounts are inactive now and have been for some time. This public diary is more for me than anything, I’m not expecting anyone to read it (maybe years down the line or sooner it will be super relevant, who knows). But I’m doing this because my notes app and google docs are an absolute mess with similar entries and thoughts. This feels organized, deliberate and it’s faster than writing by hand in a journal.
I’m going to clean my room and read a book. Write this article, share it with a friend to look over. Tomorrow will be a super fun and busy day. I’ve been doing little work and much play these past two months and that doesn’t square with what I’m interested in doing, accomplishing, all the things I will do, etc. Hence the balance, discipline, routine thing.
My hair is red now. Love love love it. Can’t believe I didn’t dye it sooner. <3
Reblogged medievalcellphone
Branzino (2016) - from my conversation with Cassidy Araiza over at A New Nothing