Thank you for fucking with my blog, hit me up sometime.

i’m trying to imagine what i’d do if i saw someone in real life wearing a tshirt with quark from star trek deep space 9 on it in the year 2020 and i genuinely cant figure out what emotion i would feel

lust

facebook marketplace listings within a 25 mile radius of you: One ugly rotten dog tooth. $470 NO LOWBALLS I KNOW WHAT I HAVE

facebook marketplace listings in a city 8 and a half hours away: the ark of the covenant $15 OBO

baking with my mama

Baking with my mama 🍞🥖🥐

NEW TUMBLR HEALTH AND WELLNESS INITIATIVES

I got my tetanus shot we can play polearms again

give me 10 years and maybe I'll finish a thing or two

so. my wife came downstairs just as i took a bite out of the remaining half red onion on the counter. literally within seconds of just getting away with it. i looked at her, and she looked at me, and we both sat there a moment, all frozen, beforeshe said babs, what the fuck. i tried to say i can explain but it came out as or corn explorn because such was the onion in my mouth that there was no room for words. its honestly a miracle that she understood me at all. at least, i'm assuming that she understood me because she did let me get my bearings for a few moments. a smarter man would've used that time to think up a good lie, but instead i just chewed as fast as i could because i knew i was gonna have to tell a whopper and i really wanted to be able to use big words again.

big words are instrumental to telling a whopper.

anyway, i totally ran out of time. i barely got my first swallow of onion in before she said well?, and i did at least have an empty mouth to match my empty head. but also i had no lies. so i looked her dead in the face, opened my mouth and waited, every bit as curious as her, to hear what excuse my mouth was gonna come up with.

im pregnant, said my mouth.

great job, mouth, said my brain.

mmmmm onion, said my mouth.

better you than me, said my wife. then she went upstairs. it has been two hours she still refuses to kiss me. im devastated. im shook. im crying a little, i think.

(but that might just be the onion.)

Okay but now I have to know

What was the truth??

Because it simply cannot be as obvious as “what, I like onions”

It can’t

Because that would not need a lie

I know people who eat onions like apples simply for pleasure

I don’t understand them, but they say “what, I like onions”, and we both shrug, and they carry on

Also. Was. Was the plan to eat the whole thing? Just no more half red onion? Because the alternative form of “getting away with it” was you were planning to put it back with a bite taken out of it before she came in and that is if anything more unhinged

okay so i do this thing that i call tummy tacos where i put all the ingredients to a taco in front of me, but like, separate. and then i take big bites of all of them. but just one at a time. like one big mouthful of taco chicken and then swallow and then a separate big mouthful of chopped cabbage and then swallow and then a corn tortilla and you get the idea.

(my wife considers it Barbaric. she does not approve of tummy tacos.)

but yesterday i had this idea for stomach pico de gallo there i was gonna eat an onion and then a tomato and then a jalapeno and then some cilantro. thud achieving salsa internally. but i underestimated the call of the onion. i really could give a damn about everything else after the onion. i felt the love of jesus in that onion.

and thus i fell into folly.

Babs, were you going to just rawdog a jalapeno?

no i was planning on just eating it

@charyou-tree

picky eaters fear the eaty picker.

@theshitpostcalligrapher

ognion

ink: custom blend, liquitex pyrole and diamine oxblood

i hope a ceiling fan falls on the empty spot in the bed next to you and it starts understanding your needs

this post always makes me so emo... here's me next to my ceiling fan that i turned off for the first time in months to draw

stop reblogging this post without the art this is the only version that exists now