um sorry for moaning when you stabbed me. it's been a really long time since anyone touched me like that

I have never in my life experienced more real “why must we pit two bad bitches against one another?”

He's on a horse *cue Old Spice Jingle* Commission

With more and more Ao3 authors restricting their works to the archive (due to AI scraping), they're going to be losing guest interaction. And probably generally feeling down because. You know. AI is stealing their hard work.

So! Now is a great time to stop by your favorite authors/stories and drop them some comments! They really appreciate it!

also put in a request for an ao3 account if you don't have one! an account will let you make bookmarks of your favorite fics, store a reading history of fics you read while logged in, set a profile picture, all sorts of goodies :)

I know the invitation wait list numbers look intimidating, but it maths out to like 12 days rn.

Lady Heydari

The US Postal Service

I am going to ask you all to do a small but important thing. When you go to the post office to mail a package or buy stamps or shipping supplies, get a receipt.

At the bottom of the receipt is a link and a QR code to fill out a short survey about your "customer satisfaction" with the post office. You are going to fill out that (it takes less than two minutes) and you are going to give them a glowing review each time!

Why? Because they are looking for reasons to make budget cuts despite the USPS being in the constitution and a valuable public service. So we are going to make it unequivocal that we like the postal service.

Because we do!

They send medicine cheaply, they take ballots for voting (which Republicans hate). They are the only shipping service in many rural areas. AND they are basically all that is keeping UPS, FedEx etc's prices down. Privatization means everything will be more expensive.

The post office is ours. It's our right. And the workers there are also being treated like shit right now. So support them in this very simple, easy way. And do this every single time you go there. Please. (And please reblog this. Let's overwhelmingly flood the system with positive feedback.)

I’ll never not be amused by the fact that I can drop the words “crucifix nail nipples” into a conversation and some of you who have been with me since the livejournal days will join me in the flashbacks, screaming and crying all the way.

I require context. Because this is a very interesting start of a story, and now I need the rest of it. Could I get a link, or a summary, or something? Pretty please?

All right buckle the fuck up kids, it’s the year 2012 and I’ve just been handed what should be an easy editing gig by my senior editor. It’s a vampire erotica story because one of the final Twilight movies is about to come out, and everything is vampires. Everything. I haven’t edited a single thing in months which isn’t about vampires. I am ready, I can do this. So I open the file and notice there’s a typo in the title, which really should have been my first inkling that something horrendous was about to go down, but you see I’m not quite dead inside yet so I carry on, bushy tailed and bright eyed with my faith in humanity intact. It’ll be dead by page 24, but I don’t know that yet. I’m just editing one more vampire boner fest.

The MC is a girl who we’ll call Sue. Sue is a Good Girl™, Sue is Not Like Other Girls™, she is pale and awkward and a virgin and has somehow managed to find herself a Bad Boy™ for a boyfriend. We’ll call him Dickhead.

Now Dickhead as previously stated is a bit of dick, he tries to pressure Sue into sex because he knows she is The One™ but he loves her really so it’s okay. Except it’s not okay because Sue is a Good Girl™ and holding out till marriage which he’s fine with except he’s got such a bad case of blue balls that one night walking home an attractive stranger lures him into an alley with the words “hey stud” and he follows, dick out before she’s even finished her sentence. Well turns out that was a mistake for Dickhead because she’s a vampire, but not just any vampire, a Dick Biting Vampire. So what started out as a skeevy blow job behind a club that he’ll feel bad about in the morning, turns into him being bitten on the dick and drained of his life essence and left for dead. Except DBV fucked up and now he’s a vampire. Are you still with me? Good, cause it’s about to get weirder.

Realizing he is now an abomination, Dickhead flees, becoming a creature of the night and feeding on animals rather than humans to repent for being such an asshole in life. Sue meanwhile is heartbroken, but carries on valiantly with her life and goes to bed each night crying for the loss of her One True Love™ who she would do anything to bring back. Well guess what Sue, Dickhead never really left you! He’s been “instinctively protecting her from rapists” by hiding out on her roof and fighting hobos who try to get to her open window via the fire escape for months now. Because that’s not fucking terrifying at all.

Upon learning of his predicament and how it happened, Sue can do nothing but blame herself. Oh if only she’d let him touch her secret places, then perhaps all of this could be avoided! Meanwhile Dickhead is having another dilemma of his own, realizing too late that his vampire powers have given him super senses and now he can smell her blood and he can’t decide whether he wants to get with her or eat her. And I don’t mean in the French sense. But he is strong! And over comes his base manly vampire instincts and neither rapes not kills her. Hurrah! And this is so romantic that Sue gives it up, but not before she launches into a theory about how in all fairy tales, True Love saves the day, so maybe her magical pure vagina that has never been touched by anyone, not even her, can bring him back to life. So Dickhead being a dickhead agrees and rips her clothes off, but not before he takes one last moment to marvel at the beauty of her purity, because he will never again look on her again and know she is Pure.

If you’ve only vomited once by now, I applaud your resolve.

So they hop on the good foot and do the nasty, except she is literally so pure in spirit, her flesh burns his. And I quote you from memory because these words are burned into my soul: “her breasts bit into his hands, like crucifix nail nipples tearing at his flesh, but he did not care because he loved her so and couldn’t stop”

This phrase haunts me. I dread that it will be the last thing I think about on my death bed and my last words will literally be “god fucking dammit” as I die, carrying that mental image with me into the afterlife. My own solace is in knowing that I inflicted it on other people too, like @ahzuri who is somehow still with me after all these years.

When the magical burning sex fails to heal him and leaves her bruised, battered and broken with “a dainty blue bells of bruises around her secret flower” (I am genuinely quoting this, I could never make something as horrendous as this up without being on acid) Dickhead leaves. Yeah. Off he fucks, leaving her to the mercy of the hobos at her window, and into the night to be the true monster he really is. But wait, there’s more. Remember the dick biting vampire? Well turns out she has figured out she made him into a vampire and has also been stalking HIM and is totally jealous of Sue, so tries to kill her. But again Sues Purity saves her, because sex before marriage which was done out of True Love is not a sin, so she is still a spiritual virgin and I’ll be honest, I started drinking heavily at this point and it’s all a bit of a blur.

A fight ensues some pages later after Dickhead returns, realizing the mistake he has made. And he rescues Sue from the Dick Biter, but not before he assaults Dick Biter, and calls her a slut for luring innocent men into alleys cuts her heart out by cutting her breasts off, at which point i screamed “THAT’S NOT HOW YOU REACH THE HEART” and my brain short circuited completely and I have no idea how it ends because I realized there was 30 pages left and my soul couldn’t take it. I emailed the chief editor like ?????!!!!!!????!!!!!! and the book was immediately pulled from the work line and the author dismissed from the publishing house. Turns out she was a friend of a friend and that was how she got the manuscript past our entry levels for requirement.

And that’s the story of how an author sent me death threats for over a month because I stopped her shitty vampire porn from ever seeing the light of day. You’re all fucking WELCOME.

I feel like I say this ad nauseam, but every time I worry I'm too annoying about promoting my work, someone always comments something along the lines of "I've been following you for over a decade, what do you mean you wrote an international bestselling book?"

And I'm like, welp, time to reblog some stuff, I guess ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

You what

I... okay, hold on. I've got a copy-paste response for this...

(ID in alt)

Hi, I'm Joy Demorra, international bestselling author and general disaster.

This is my book. Hunger Pangs: True Love Bites is the first book in the Hunger Pangs series, a queer, polyamorous, paranormal, gaslamp slow-burn romance featuring vampires, werewolves, and various other creatures that go bump in the night.

It started out life as a Tumblr shit post and became an international bestseller within several hours of pre-orders going up. No one was more surprised than me.

It features Nathan, a deaf, disabled werewolf newly returned from war, and Vlad, a neurodivergent mad scientist vampire trying to unionize the workforce of the island in between tripping over all his various ongoing projects. (free healthcare, free schooling, y’know, small hobbies)

The other main character is Ursula, an all-powerful [REDACTED] working to save the world from imminent ecological disaster. The main romance arc of book one focuses on Vlad x Nathan, with Ursula forming her own relationships with them alluded to in the next book.

No love triangles here. Just three highly competent bisexuals sharing the same brain cell the closer they are to each other.

The world is set in a pseudo-regency meets fake Victorian Gaslamp Fantasy world, complete with gothic castles, enchanted forests, and just a smidge of industrial coal dust.

One of my favorite reviews ever described it as "the queer, goth love child of Terry Pratchett meets Jane Austen," so if that sounds interesting to you, you can check out my links below.

Why are there two versions, and what's the difference between them? Glad you asked! You can also find content tags on my website at www.joydemorra.com if you want to find out more.

I'd put them on the book itself, but Amazon would pitch a fit.

So, yeah. I wrote a book. I'm writing several more. I'm just recovering from almost dying in the same year I published the book. Because that was also a thing. Anyway. ✨Book✨

#OP should write a book — good news!

BLUE !!

[VD: Video of a person crushing up a lot of blue sweet products. It begins with a lot of candy, many of them sour, before adding blue drinks. After two minutes, this is poured into a face-mask maker, and applied. The person wearing the mask looks in agony. End VD.]

<FFXIV AU> seems like the Eldar mentors are ready now. But how about the others？👀

The four of them

🤡👿🥴😓

My latest cartoon for New Scientist

Apparently Target is rethinking being anti DEI because foot traffic in their stores has been declining for like 10 weeks straight and their stock has been dropping in unison and listen, I know a lot of this is probably because consumer spending goes down in general when the economy is unstable (tarrifs, mass federal gov layoffs etc.) but I think we should just keep running boycotts of different brands to convince them that they only make money when they're woke. I know we dunked on rainbow capitalism because it was cornball and performative but I don't even give a shit. These companies shouldn't be able to be openly pro-Trump and expect us to ignore it. They should not be allowed to bend the knee to racist, xenophobic, homophobic, transphobic, abelist, generally bigoted culture war bullshit without taking a hit to their bottom line. These billionaire dipshits wanted unfettered capitalism with a madman at the helm and they should not be allowed to enable that without feeling some of the hurt along with the rest of us. Make these corporate assholes think money is stored in the woke

It should also be noted that Costco, which continues to be pro-DEI, has seen a massive increase in foot traffic over the same period.

normal imogene and marazhai experience