women will have no career path, no game, no bitches, and only 3 people in the world that can stand them and all they have to say for themselves is that theyre ‘just like george costanza but a girl’

Griffin McElroy I don’t know if you’re in Vancouver right now but if you’re not then I just watched your doppelgänger get stuck in an automatic door

this is my one wild and precious life

The best quality a fictional man can have is being deeply, pathetically, wretchedly in love with someone, I think

God literally couldn't give me a divorce because I'd be rock hard aaallll the tiiiime

dick. A penis. Not divorce

oh so the Yankees made their bats thicker and hit 20 runs bc of it and the league is just like yeah they're allowed to do that?? this whole time apparently it's been perfectly legal to just change the bats to make it easier and no one tried it until right now?? 150 years this sport has been around and suddenly someone had a bright idea??

look at this shit man

logically I know pussy isn't supposed to come in fruity flavors but emotionally mine would taste like strawberries & cream dr pepper

everybody reblog and put in the tags what flavor your pussy should be. if you don't have a pussy just pretend you do for this one post

yknow i kind of forget sometimes that like. pregnancy is innately tied to sexual stuff. like "haha hey guess what. gets you pregnant" is actually kind of. a horny thing to say in fact.

LISTEN. it's really easy to forget that telling a tumblr mutual that you want to get them pregnant Actually Means cumming inside them. this is a common problem i'm sure

this captures it perfectly actually. i'm not busting inside i'm doing a fairy trick

hey. hey that's not what the post says.

...not to derail but;

This is how Jesus was born yeah?

yeah sure. mary busted inside a fairy and then 3 days later jesus was born