I will never hate being a Jew

attention this is your captain speaking chag sameach pesach to all celebrating and a reminder do not open the airlock to greet elijah the vulcan rabbinic council ruled that opening the door to the room where the seder is occurring is sufficient elijah can get on a starship just fine himself he just likes to be personally invited in to your seder we dont need another incident like last year thank you

I know we all like to joke about tzfardei'a like "how can frogs be a plague? it's just a bunch of frogs!" But I think we're going about it the wrong way. So imagine, if you will, this:

You're at home when you find a frog. It's sitting in your living room. That's not so bad. You might even make a TikTok about it. What a silly little guy! But eventually it has to go, right? You don't want a pet frog. So you hold out your hand and the frog hops on and you take it outside. You stand up, go inside, close the door, turn around, and there's a frog.

Okay, that's weird. It must have just jumped through your legs when you stood up. But no worries. You hold out your hand and the frog hops on and you take it outside. You stand up, go inside, close the door, turn around.

There are two frogs.

Okay that's definitely weird. This time you don't try to pick them up. You just use your hands to gently push them out the door. You stand up, go inside, close the door, turn around, aaaaaand one of the frogs had peed on your floor. Great.

You go into the kitchen and open the cabinet under the sink. You reach in and pull out a cleaning spray. Sitting on the nozzle is another frog. Okay, what is going on?

You take the spray bottle outside and gently encourage the frog off. You stand up, go inside, close the door, turn around, and there's another frog. It's standing in the puddle of piss. It croaks at you. Okay, this is fine, you're fine. It's just a frog. You gently but firmly push the frog outside. You stand up, go inside—

There's seven frogs.

In frustration you spray the cleaning spray at one of the frogs. You didn't think it was that much, but the frog's eyes bulge and it croaks and hops around in circles. You watch, horrified, as it lands on its back and its legs stretch out and then it stops moving. The other frogs stare at you in silent judgment. Another one pees on your floor. You gently tap the overturned frog with the toe of your boot. It doesn't move, and it's starting to smell. You reach down and touch one of its feet. It doesn't respond. You go back to your kitchen and get your broom. You start to shoo the frogs out of the door. You get them all out. You close the door and, perhaps irrationally, lock it. You return the broom to the kitchen. There's a frog clinging to the handle. You shout and shake the broom and the frog flies off. It hits the floor with a wet thud and does not move. You pick the dead thing up by a foot and drop it in the trash can. It lands on 10 more frogs, sitting at the bottom, all peeing.

You go to your room and slam the door. Behind you you hear a croak. You turn, very very slowly, and look at your room. Every surface has at least one frog. They all just sit there, staring at you, peeing on your belongings. Several of them, implausibly, are already dead. Their overturned bodies create a stench you wonder how you could have missed. You don't even know what to do with this many frogs. Where do you begin? You go to the bathroom. There are frogs in your toilet. You spitefully go to flush it, but there's a frog clinging to the lever. You try to wash your face in the sink, but it's full of frogs. You leave the bathroom and feel something soft and small crunch beneath your foot...

Everything seems to freeze and you sense dozens of pairs of baleful black eyes turn toward you......

You feel something brush the back of your neck and you swat at it, but your hand meets empty air. You feel something wet and you look down at your hand to see a frog sticking to it, peeing. You shake it off and it lands on the floor, already dead. You trample several more frogs as you sprint to the kitchen. You throw open the fridge, crushing the frog on the handle against the wall, and pull out a brewski. You pop open the cap and raise the bottle. There's a frog already inside your brewski. You throw the bottle down and it shatters, sending tens of tiny frogs scattering every which way. You feel something on the back of your neck again, and again you swat and again hit nothing but air, but this time it's because the frog has already made it down your shirt. You shriek and shout and twist about and a frog jumps inside your mouth. It's one of the tiny ones, and when you talk about this with your therapist later you won't feel confident that you didn't swallow it.

The frogs are everywhere now. Your house is more frog than house. Your kitchen is more frog than kitchen. There are frogs on your fresh fruit, and frogs in your sink and frogs in your sourdough starter. Frogs stick to the ceiling and jump inside the extractor fan above the stove where they make a horrible slicing noise. This can't be happening. There aren't this many frogs in the world, probably! You hear a click and turn, horrified, to see your oven preheating. It's set to 700°. Does your oven even go that high? Inside there are crisp frogs, and frogs waiting to crisp. The smell is unbearable.

You wade through a sea of frogs: frogs piled up on top of other frogs, all shapes and sizes and colors and all peeing and dying and smelling. You burst through your front door and take a deep breath of the fresh, clean air. What you see makes your head spin.

A mass of frogs in the approximate shape of your car sits where you're pretty sure your car used to be. A thing that looks like a dog but made of frogs runs past, screaming. Your neighbor's house writhes under a coat of green and red and yellow. You don't even want to imagine what your neighbor looks like. Frogs inundate your herb garden. They're eating all your herbs. You feel them creeping up your shins, but you can no longer move. You fall to your knees, squashing more frogs as you do. The frogs are all croaking. It's so loud it makes your ears bleed. Their voices all blend together, becoming a persistant hum. And oh g-d. You think you can hear words.

Also the plagues didn't simply dissappear when they ended so after tzefardeya ended all the frogs simply died where they were. I would like you to imagine for a moment the smell of thousands of dead frogs decaying in the Egyptian heat

i fucking cant fam 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Holy shit golias comeback?!?!?

Chag Sameach everyone!

Here's your annual reminder that it was a Plague of singular Frog (who must have been so big)

Holy shit, this wild. Like, there are obviously legitimately ordained rabbis of all political persuasions, so the pro/anti-Israel aspect isn't super material on its own, but everything about this particular guy's "Jewish background" is fucking bananas.

First of all, there's the "seminary" from which he got his ordination. Some key points:

Also, these are the "Orders" they are talking about:

Absolute word-salad, I have no idea what any of this is supposed to mean, apart from that some of it seems borderline Nazi/Messianic in parts (Yeshua, Teutonic). So all in all, not great and not Jewish!

But that's not all! Gamboa is claiming he has a doctorate from the Hebrew Theological Seminary, but: "The doctoral diploma, the same one he displays in a picture on his website, features the coat of arms of Bolivia and a logo that bears the name of God in Hebrew surrounded by the words “Ministério Internacional Yahweh Shammah.” [...] there is a Ministério Internacional Yahweh Shammah in Angola and another in Contagem, Brazil. The latter's website has published a picture of a small ministry with a globe logo similar to that on Gamboa’s diploma. Both institutions are Evangelical Christian missions, not academic campuses." So at best it's a pseudo-messianic Christian degree and at worst it's complete photoshopped altogether. And there's more: Gamboa claims he is legitimate because he has the support of the "Unión Judía Liberal e Independiente de Colombia," which appears to just be a sock puppet account he's created himself (they don't have a real website, or an official email, everything links back to a FB page that includes a lot of photos of him at interfaith events).

He also believes in Khazar Theory (a white supremacist conspiracy theory) and has accused most Jews of being heretics.

In short, this guy is the ultimate Sham Yisrael; not just a fake rabbi, but the ultimate racist conman, and a danger to Colombia's Jews.

I can't believe Colombia the country thought of this before Columbia the university. Imagine if they'd gotten someone of that caliber to further whitewash the Jew Hate on campus a year ago. Think of all the progress and bridge building!

More on JVP's Seder last year.

Can someone with a Jewish themed Redbubble make a t-shirt that says “I ❤️ Lashon Hara” and also something along the lines of “Moms Against Lashon Hara”?

Contrasting opinions on Lashon Hara in shirt form, please.

Shirt that says "I heart lashon hara" on the front and "I have tzaraat" on the back

Antisemites shouldn’t get to be in the fabric of spacetime, actually, it being a concept discovered by the Jews Herman Minkowski and Albert Einstein. If their actions truly aligned with their beliefs they would stop participating in such a Jewish concept and cease to exist.

Resisting the urge to start asking people to *culturally divest* themselves from space-time in compliance with BDS guidelines.

Thanks, Pastor Sarah!

(If you have other examples of Christians being good allies to Jews, please share them?)