i regret things alot dat i know its stupid

headcannon that Bruce has blocked seriously every single thirst trap/edits on him from all devices which his children use, meaning they never really knew how much the public simps on him and how much ✨sass✨ he gives off whenever he's out as Brucie cause he also makes sure that he doesn't act like that whenever he's at a gala with his kids. Basically what I want is-

-------------------------------------

*bursts into the manor*

Dick : DAD WHAT THE FUCK DID U MEAN WHEN U TOLD LEX THAT HIS HEAD IS SHINNER THAN HIS FUTURE, AND THEN ASKED HIM WHY HE WAS RACIST TO SUPERMAN INFRONT OF A THOUSAND REPORTERS?????

Bruce: chum listen-

*red hood burns down the front door*

Bruce: J-Jason-?!

jason :(fresh out from the dead) YOU HAD A THREESOM WITH THE MAYOR AND HIS WIFE THEN EXPOSED THEM FOR MONEY LAUNDERING AND TOLD THEM THEY WERE TERRBLE IN BED.IN.COURT?????!??

Bruce: uh um well it was for justic-

*bursts in through the window*

Tim: YOU HAVE ELEVEN PIERCINGS AND YOU WENT TO NINE INCH NAIL CONCERTS WEARING CHAINS????? THERE ARE MORE THIRST TRAPS OF YOU THAN THERE ARE NUMBERS IN MY BANK ACCOUNT!??

Bruce: um-well-uh-about that-

*appears*

Cass *sparkling eyes* fashion show!! Dress! Pretty! (You look so pretty when u walk in fashion shows in a dress!!!)

Bruce: oh thank you cass-

Jason,dick, tim: WHAT

---------------------------------

Damian: *blissfully unaware back in the league cause Talia didn't tell him either* *she doesn't want to ruin the surprise, she finds it all hilarious*

AU where the Justice League haven’t revealed their secret IDs to each other yet (or at least Batman hasn’t) and the League, after several coincidental run-ins with him, know that Bruce Wayne is much more intelligent and calculating than he acts in the media. Except they don’t know why—they just think he acts that way because he hates working and wants to get out of dealing with responsibilities or smth

Clark Kent the reporter happens to be attending a gala Bruce is holding when it gets attacked by some rogue or other, and all the guests are being held hostage in the room, and there’s a bomb and everything, it’s all very dramatic and Gotham-typical. Clark and Bruce are hiding behind a table, coincidentally where the bomb is, timer slowly counting down. Clark can’t become Superman without blatantly blowing his secret ID, and Batman’s not showing up for some reason, so he (preparing to just fuckin jump on the bomb and tank that shit, consequences be damned) kinda frantically as a last resort asks if Bruce knows how to disarm a bomb and Bruce (who knows that Clark is Superman and is kinda messing with him) just pulls out a whole belt of tools like “As a matter of fact, Mr Kent, I took a course on bomb disposal back on my self-discovery journey!”

“A what now.”

“A self-discovery journey, Mr Kent, I’d be happy to tell you all about it after this.”

“No, I meant—you took a course on what.”

Clark having a panic attack every time Batman gets any injuries, even as small as a paper cut, for the first month or so after finding out his identity. Because they all thought this insane guy throwing himself head first into danger has to have some sort of power to have survived all the insane situations. But no, he’s just a very squishy human in some pretty tough clothes.

Bruce: slices his finger on some JL paperwork

Clark: OH MY GOD YOU’RE BLEEDING-

Bruce: it’s just a paper cut.

Clark: DIANA! BRUCE IS BLEEDING!

Bruce: *glares at him and considers pulling out his stash of kryptonite* I’m. Fine.

Thinking naughty Brucie Wayne thoughts cause you KNOW he sluts around in order to maintain that playboy reputation.

Imagining Brucie on an evening gossip show and he's playing a game where he's sharing light-hearted secrets with the host. It's called some shit like...I dunno, "I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours!"

"Okay, we gotta be careful with the wording here because we're on live television," the host laughs, "but I have a question."

"Ask me anything, baby, I'm an open book," Bruce purrs. The live studio audience whistles and cheers.

"What's your darkest sexual fantasy? I'll tell you mine —"

"IF YOU TELL ME YOURS!!" The audience shouts, clapping and cheering with ridiculous enthusiasm. Bruce, who has impeccable control over his body's nervous system, turns beet red and covers his face. His heartbeat is still as steady as a war drum. World's Greatest Detective and also World's Best motherfuckin Actor.

"oh shit," he mutters. The cheering gets even louder. "I can't say it out loud. I've never told anybody this before, it's insane."

The host is Locked The Fuck In. Exclusive information nobody else has about Brucie Wayne, Gotham's precious prince? He can smell the trending hashtags already.

"Oh?" He goads, grinning and leaning forward in his chair. "Is it really bad? Brucie, you dog! I didn't know you had it in you! We gotta know, now!"

"Skip," Bruce says shyly, "next question!"

The audience boos and starts chanting some iteration of "tell us! Tell us!" The host shushes them and says it's fine, he'll go first and they'll both be a little embarrassed about it. No big deal, it's just a fun game! What's a little spicy secret between friends, we're all friends here, it's fine!

The host's is boring. Something like Toes or edible underwear. Bruce shyly says he can't say it, and asks if he can write it down instead. The host is like yes, absolutely, someone fetch this man a pen and paper RIGHT NOW.

Brucie writes it down. The host reads it. He gasps.

"Okay everybody, shhh. This says...I want to — BRUCE?"

Bruce reddens more and is as curled up as he can possibly get in his big chair. The audience is feral at this point.

"It says "I want a priest to give his virginity to me." Bruce Thomas Wayne!!!"

There's an uproar. People are whistling. Women are screaming. Catholics are clutching their pearls. There's so much clapping. Some people are laughing. When everybody settles down enough to let him explain, Bruce, still red in the face, just stares meekly at the ground and mutters:

"I dunno, it's so wicked. I wanna be like Lucifer with the apple. I want a son of God to turn away from His light and be tempted into my bed. If God is actually homophobic and being gay gets you sent to Hell, — first of all, fuck that guy — and second of all, at the very least I want him to get a taste of Heaven in the sheets, y'know?"

#DamnedByBrucie is the number one trending topic for the next four days. Priests are coming out of the woodwork and sending him genuine offers to take their virginity. Hal buys a priest outfit immediately. Bruce is so down to roleplay this even though that wasn't even close to his darkest sexual fantasy.

Bruce(in training in the LOA) waking up with a new ring on his finger every morning, confused: ??????????

Talia trying to figure out what ring Bruce likes the best when she proposes to him(they haven't met yet): *scribbling down in notebook* okay not that one either

+

Ra's -also obsessed with him : are ya winning (him over yet) daughter?

I have come to the conclusion that I can’t read OlderBruce! superbat fics. Not just because in my hc Bruce is forever 35, but also knowing Clark is going to out live Bruce makes me wanna sob hysterically…

Like wym Clark has to watch Bruce get older?

Wym Clark gets to feel relieved when Bruce has to hang up the cape for himself and hand it to somebody else, only for Bruce to have a heart attack without doing Batman things??

Wym he watches the person he loves so much slowly not be able to do things for himself???

Wym he has to watch Bruce die????

Wym Clark has to learn how to live without hearing Bruce’s heart beat?????

LIKE NO HE WILL LIVE FOREVER IDC. I’LL TURN BRUCE INTO A VAMPIRE I DO NOT CARE😭

I get everyone writing Bruce as a publicly responsible parent for Dick but I also like to imagine a world where Brucie Wayne still acts like a wild playboy but just with this kid in tow. And Gotham just let's him because the way Bruce does it is actually pretty endearing. Like he takes Dick clubbing with him but buys out the entire VIP section so it's just him and their eight year old dancing behind a red velvet rope while the rest of the patrons cheer and dance. And he takes Dick out on his boating trips with models but everyone spends their time dressed up (to varying extents) as pirates and the models just have to accept their sunbathing might be interrupted occasionally by a boy jabbing them with a plastic sword (but they're on a millionaire's yacht so they'll survive).

Y'know sometimes I wonder what Ras reaction was to the Justice League. Like he practically offered Bruce the chance to be one of his generals, straight up offered for him to be his heir, and was turned down.

Do you think he's offended. Because oh, so his organization isn't good enough, but that merry band of idiots is?!

Can someone write a fic where Bruce is on a JL mission and they somehow get a baby that they need to take care of until they find their parents. And all the JL members just cannot stop this baby from crying (this is before Clark has Jon so he’s pretty clueless with babies still) and eventually Bruce is like, “give them to me.”

And the JL is like “uhh, we don’t know if we should trust BATMAN with a baby, but at this point… fuck it.” And hand the baby over to him.

And Batman tucks the baby into his chest and softly bounces them, talking to them gently in a deep rumbly voice. “It’s okay sweetheart. Shhh, you’re safe.” And eventually, the baby doesn’t just stop crying, but falls asleep.

And the JL just stand there, gobsmacked. Because what the fuck??? Why is the Batman so good with babies??? And the rest of the mission Batman just has the baby because a) they don’t want them to wake up and start fussing again. And b) because Batman looks genuinely happy (as happy as Batman can be without deeply horrifying the JL).

This is..... Not what I was supposed to spend the last couple hours on....

Lantern was the first to approach him once the child had fallen asleep. He seemed awkward, afraid to make a noise and wake them up. It wasn't likely to happen, he was so exhausted from screaming Batman was pretty sure the poor guy would sleep through gunfire.

"So... What is it we should be doing?" He was sure Lantern could see his raised brow from through his cowl as he stumbled over his words. "I mean, we know what we should be doing. Trying to find a way to get out without destabilizing the cave, wait for Cyborg and the others to show up, find a way to signal out exact location. It's just... How do we do that from in here?"

He'd been thinking on that himself, before it became clear that none here had ever held even a happy child, let alone a terrified one. He stayed silent, debating the best course of action. He could summon the batplane, have it land on top of their position, but would Cyborg know that's what it meant? Would he be able to use the comms, choppy as they were underground, to tell him? More importantly, would the plane landing destabilize the pocket they were in? It was a risk he couldn't take, especially not with the baby on his chest.

The little one shivered a little, clenching tiny fists against his shoulder, and he reached over his shoulder to wrap the baby in his cape as best as he could.

"There's not much we can do. I have a small beacon, but it won't do much good until Cyborg's a little over a mile away, thanks to all this," he gestured at the collapsed cave. "All we can really do is wait."

"How did you do that?" Batman pulled the beacon out of his utility belt. It really was small. He'd designed them for Dick when he'd become Robin, in case he got trapped out of sight. He'd made sure the League systems could pick up on them too, even though Dick was off on his own now. Tim had one, now, and so had Jason. He pushed the thought away as he picked a spot to place the beacon.

"Do what?" he finally responded.

"How'd you get the kid to stop screaming? You aren't exactly known for your cuddly nature." It was Flash who answered, not Lantern, but he suspected they'd been asking the same question he wanted to avoid. Too many memories were buried there. His children, heartbroken after failing to save someone, terrified after their first and second and twentieth near death encounter, hurt and scared and unable to do anything about it.

"Gotham has a high population of homeless. Including children." The cave felt like it was holding it's breath as he dodged the real reason in favor of one that hurt him a little less, kept him from remembering his own failures.

"Some people there have morals. Some don't. You need to be able to keep children calm and quiet to free them, sometimes. And you need them to know they're safe after, no matter what happened."

He let the team's eyes follow him as he began to walk the perimeter again, still rocking the baby boy with olive skin and the start of dark hair on his head. He didn't tell them about the fall of the Grayson's and how many times he'd comforted Dick. Didn't tell them about Tim facing his uncle, and how he'd shaken. Didn't tell them about Jason. About the child he failed.

He just kept the baby asleep, humming and talking and running over how he could get him home safe. How he could save this child.

I wanna see more of Bruce being a good dad. But not, like... When its just them? But all the time. Bruce going all in on adding "proud dad" to his public 'Brucie Wayne' persona.

Like, he has his playboy himbo persona all set up, hes been taking prat falls into fountins and spilling drinks on himself for like two years. Everyone knows he sleeps around, and any good looking guy or gal will get at least a quick romp out of him if they bat their eyelashes at him.

But then, he adopts Dick, and before Dick even becomes Robin, Bruce has a switch flip that just flashes a light in his brain screaming "dad mode activated". And suddenly, the himbo thing doesn't matter. He's a dad now. Instead of falling into fountins, he starts showing pictures of Dick. If people try to flirt with him to get a night out of him, he's immediately like "ohhh you wanna meet my son? My beautiful baby boy? He's so talented! Trained acrobat! My sweet little guy."

And instead of being a playboy himbo, he's a daddy himbo. And he'll still sleep around, but you gotta get passed the kids.

Bruce Wayne scandals plummet. Instead of "Bruce Wayne caught leaving closet rendezvous" we get "Bruce Wayne caught playing pokemon cards with nine year old ward". And they don't see him going to parties or clubs, but instead driving a minivan to after school activities.

And it would DEFINITELY change the context of LOTS of interactions with the Robins and batfam, like when Dick leaves to become Nightwing, Bruce is cheering him on but also "oh, be careful baby. Are you sure you don't want me to come? You're not too old for juice boxes, are you?"

And Jason would be able to see the absolute MESS Bruce becomes after his death. Like, papers wrote for months about how Bruce SCREAMED and broke down at his funeral. How he gets into a fist fight when someone at a gala mentions Jason in any kind of bad light, screaming "don't talk about my son like that!" (And, when Red Hood shows up and reveals himself to Bruce UTRH style, Bruce doesn't give a shit about fighting. He doesn't throw a punch. He tackles his boy, and HUGS and holds him tight because "my baby boy is alive!")

And Tim tries not to become 'baby" but he does, and that means Tim can't drop out of highschool because Bruce is always talking about how smart his Tim-Tam is and oh, did you hear? He graduated early! He's a genius! He's working at Wayne Enterprises now! Such a smart boy.

And then Damien shows up, and actually IS Bruces son, and when Talia drops Damien off, all AoL gear and scowl, Bruce looks at him and short circuts for a moment before cooing and pinching Damien's cheeks and Damien is flailing, asking his mother if this imbecile is really THE Batman??? And Bruce just hugs him and cuddles him and suddenly Damien cant escape and oh shit, Bruce is a cuddler when it comes to his kids, and even Damien cant escape from Batman.

Giving battinson the big birb hug he so desperately needs 🫂

Bruce is so important to me

love the idea of the Batfamily getting stopped and searched in the family car on the way back to the Manor and everyone’s tense expecting Jason to be the one packing like twelve guns but it’s Alfred? Alfred is absolutely unbelievably strapped up to high heaven? And he somehow manages to talk to the cops out of arresting him or even giving him a ticket?

Bruce is just standing on the side of the road pinching the bridge of his nose. Jason is grinning so widely his face is about to rip. Alfred’s guns are all sitting on the hood of the car and there’s at least three there that Bruce remembers taking away and destroying. Dick is taking pictures on his phone to send to Barbara and trying not to laugh. Tim has Kon on speaker narrating it…

Finally got done with this bit of my Super Sons animation ✌️ based on Superman #10 by Peter Tomasi and Patrick Gleason

I bet the JL has a “how fucked are we” metric that’s literally just how many of Bruce’s kids are there.

Like if he pulls up to the alien invasion or whatever with just Robin, then everything’s fine. More than fine, actually, because Bruce feels comfortable enough to bring his eight year old along for the ride. This battle will take approximately fifteen minutes and they’ll all get shawarma after. Not fucked in the slightest.

But if Red Robin shows up too… hmm, okay, this is getting somewhat serious. Tim is one of Bruce’s most trusted partners; he’s the smart Robin, the tactician, the loyal one, and so if Batman brought him along then it means he’s at least a little bit worried about shit hitting the fan and wants one his advisors around. But the combined brain power of Bruce and Tim is pretty much unmatched (DC plot armor for the win), so everything will be fine, basically. Superman might take a hit, but everything’s going to be fine. Just keep calm and you’ll all make it home in time to Door Dash some Panda Express before it closes. So not that fucked.

It starts to get serious after that. When Signal and Spoiler roll up the scene, shit has definitely hit the fan. Batman’s worried enough to call in reinforcements and he’s probably doubting the League’s ability to listen/obey his orders, so he needs a backup plan in case things go really south. But with Signal’s abilities and Steph’s superpower of turning anything into a joke, chances are you’ll be okay. Maybe impaled or something, but okay. But still, fucked.

When Nightwing shows, the JL knows it’s starting to get dicey out on the field. See, Nightwing’s got his own team, his own issues—the fact that he set that all aside to help out his dad is cause for concern. On a scale from 1-10, they are at a 7. Above moderately fucked.

And… oh God. Black Bat? Most of the time the JL doesn’t even see her, but once she makes herself known and starts fighting alongside her siblings, they all start to silently freak out. Black Bat is a fucking machine and if she’s breaking a sweat trying to fight the Big Bad, things are definitely not going to go well. They start praying that Batman figures something out. They freak out. They are intrinsically fucked.

But God Forbid you catch sight of the Red Hood. The prodigal son is a legitimate killer, and if Batman’s letting him blow out brains then the JL knows he’s desperate. And a desperate Batman is not good. At all. They are definitely fucked.