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While I Breathe, I Hope

@hopepunk-humanity / hopepunk-humanity.tumblr.com

When the abyss stares us down, we stare back, and we do not submit. Asks and submissions are open and encouraged. Icon by @hopelesspyromaniac

What is Hopepunk?

  • Wild laughter from ragged throats
  • Flowers growing choked from crumbling asphalt
  • A warm bed after a long, hard journey
  • Your partner’s hand cupped in your own
  • Bright graffiti on cracked tunnel walls
  • The chains falling loose to the stone floor
  • A glint of silver beneath a century of tarnish
  • A long rain after a blistering wildfire
  • Just one more step, and then another
  • A single candle flame joining the stars against the night
  • A loved ones voice calling your name after hours lost in an unfamiliar place
  • A hand taking yours, just when you’d given up on reaching out
  • Smiling, laughing again, when you thought you’d forgotten how
  • Knowing, despite everything, that humans are inherently good

It’s not simply blind optimism, or naivety. It’s choice. It’s taking the human race by the hand and saying, “I will love you, because I am you”. It’s facing a world dripping with cynicism and fashionable hopelessness and saying, “no, I will not give in”. It’s putting kindness out into the world, knowing you might not get it back, knowing you may be scorned for it, knowing it might not change anything, but with a certainty that kindness is what the world needs the most.

It is choosing hope

I have been thinking a lot about what a cancer diagnosis used to mean. How in the ‘80s and ‘90s, when someone was diagnosed, my parents would gently prepare me for their death. That chemo and radiation and surgery just bought time, and over the age of fifty people would sometimes just. Skip it. For cost reasons, and for quality of life reasons. My grandmother was diagnosed in her early seventies and went directly into hospice for just under a year — palliative care only. And often, after diagnosis people and their families would go away — they’d cash out retirement or sell the house and go live on a beach for six months. Or they’d pay a charlatan all their savings to buy hope. People would get diagnosed, get very sick, leave, and then we’d hear that they died.

And then, at some point, the people who left started coming back.

It was the children first. The March of Dimes and Saint Jude set up programs and my town would do spaghetti fundraisers and raffles and meal trains to support the family and send the child and one parent to a hospital in the city — and the children came home. Their hair grew back. They went back to school. We were all trained to think of them as the angelic lost and they were turning into asshole teens right in front of our eyes. What a miracle, what a gift, how lucky we are that the odds for several children are in our favor!

Adults started leaving for a specific program to treat their specific cancer at a specific hospital or a specific research group. They’d stay in that city for 6-12 months and then they’d come home. We fully expected that they were still dying — or they’d gotten one of the good cancers. What a gift this year is for them, we’d think. How lucky they are to be strong enough to ski and swim and run. And then they didn’t stop — two decades later they haven’t stopped. Not all of them, but most of them.

We bought those extra hours and months and years. We paid for time with our taxes. Scientists found ways for treatment to be less terrible, less poisonous, and a thousand times more effective.

And now, when a friend was diagnosed, the five year survival odds were 95%. My friend is alive, nearly five years later. Those kids who miraculously survived are alive. The adults who beat the odds are still alive. I grew up in a place small enough that you can see the losses. And now, the hospital in my tiny hometown can effectively treat many cancers. Most people don’t have to go away for treatment. They said we could never cure cancer, as it were, but we can cure a lot of cancers. We can diagnose a lot of cancers early enough to treat them with minor interventions. We can prevent a lot of cancers.

We could keep doing that. We could continue to fund research into other heartbreaks — into Long Covid and MCAS and psych meds with fewer side effects and dementia treatments. We could buy months and years, alleviate the suffering of our neighbors. That is what funding health research buys: time and ease.

Anyway, I’m preaching to the choir here. But it is a quiet miracle what’s happened in my lifetime.

Anonymous asked:

when i walk to my morning class on wednesdays and fridays, there's a good chance that a red car will drive by with the window rolled down and the driver will yell "I LOVE YOU [classmate name]!!!" it's a dad who does it and it's a son he does it to. i can't help but smile every time i hear it.

That's the kind of thing his son will be embarrassed about now, but remember fondly later.

bell hooks mentioned going through a time in her life where she was severely depressed and suicidal and how the only way she got through it was through changing her environment: She surrounded her home with buddhas of all colors, Audre Lorde’s A Litany for Survival facing her as she wakes up, and filling the space she saw everyday with reinforcing objects and meaningful books. She asks herself each day, “What are you going to do today to resist domination?” I also really liked it when she said that in order to move from pain to power, it is crucial to engage in “an active rewriting of our lives.”

I have come to think of the suicidal impulse as the brain waving a flag to say three things:

  • something needs to change here
  • this is urgent
  • I don’t know how to do it

death is the ultimate metaphor for drastic change. it’s a general specific. whatever your problems are, it is very likely that dead people don’t have to deal with them. a real solution to your problems may demand a very narrow range of action that’s likely to be out of reach at this moment, but death is sold on every street corner, so it feels like a more realistic fantasy than happiness.

you don’t really want to die per se but it’s also not completely random chemicals swamping your brain for no reason. you want the pain to stop, you want to be somewhere else, you want to be someone else. it’s urgent. you don’t know how to do it. the end is not the end but a means that feels within your reach right now.

this is the wisdom of bell hooks: daily rituals of meaning and resistance and solidarity are part of slowly building a future where you can make the change you really need. and only alive people can do that. every step you take towards change and power is another step away from death.

How to Survive

by Joseph Fasano

Love the small things of the earth. The dust. The dark rain in the lemon trees. The sound of moonflowers opening at evening. Love them even when the sky is burning, even when a mother crouches with her child in a dark room, wetting his lips with a small glass of water. Love them quietly, quietly but ferociously, their hearts in them like flocks the wind has furled.

And then, in the spring, if the world has survived, walk out with your gift that you have practiced, your fresh gift that has ripened in secret; lie down in the long, soft grass of summer and wait for love, wait for it to find you, and when it lays its hand at last upon your shoulder, open to all that is about to happen; rise up and walk off into the lemon trees

and live awhile, live awhile with someone — their eyes, their scent, their curls — and when love departs, when love is done and fallen, stand there in the coming winds of autumn and turn back to the small things that have been with you — buttons, apples, chapters — and then, because you've practiced this forever, because you are ready now for the hardest task of all of them,

lay your hand on the changed face in the mirror and look at it — its wounds, its crimes, its changes — and tell yourself what you see deserves your mercy — that face, that name, that stranger — and place your palms on that one life in the mirror and open to the whole of it, the whole of it, and love it like the last chance of the world.

Anonymous asked:

Hi! I am the anon who sent you an ask ages ago about wanting to take responsibility for my life despite not really believing in it. It's ok if you don't remember, but back then I sort of asked the question: Why should I be the one to do it if it's not my mess and no one else took responsibility for me?

I wanted to send an update. It's a funny thing. I still don't believe in it. I'm still not convinced why I should do it (despite doing it).

I don't have the strength to clean up for two - for myself and for those people who let things go slack and did not teach me. It's like I'm raising myself as my own kid. I'm working for two people here, and I really, really want to wallow in it and give up. And I don't want to hear about how others have it worse.

I hate every second of it. But do you know what? Every time the depression hits, or the freeze mode that keeps me paralyzed, or grief or apathy or fear or panic or rage - gosh, you should see the rage, my kitchen has dents all over from me throwing pots and pans around - ... I have turned all of that basically into "productive mode". Angry about lack of skills? Don't waste precious energy on destroying cups and cutlery. Reward yourself the hard way by turning that energy into doing the things for fun that you wished you could do. Cook yourself a wonderful meal instead, put serious effort into the seasoning and the ingredients and all that, because you haven't eaten all day. Turn that into a cooking lesson and prove yourself wrong because YOU taught you. Now you have taught yourself how to make a new dish. You're a little more of an expert now than you were before. And I don't do sacrificial shit for other people anymore. I do this for me. I give to others only what I have more than enough of. This is me healing me first.

This is how I do it with most things now. There are still huge blind spots, but in regard to many things that need solving, I have somehow managed to successfully install "fun productive mode" in auto-pilot, so to speak. It is immensely satisfying. I still don't understand. I still don't know who will make up for the lack of good things and for all the stuff I've suffered. I want justice. I want compensation. I want things to finally be well. But I'm in a better place than I was before.

And taking responsibility is working, whether I like it or not.

Also can't leave an ask without saying thanks again for you keeping this blog. It's humbling, and a real light out there!

That's amazing, what a great way to redirect those emotions. I'm so happy you're in a better place.

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