I Would Have: h.rj
content: a random conversation with your friend and ex-lover ends with you getting a harsh slap of reality... but in a way, you had it coming.
warnings: former fwb!renjun, angst, hurt/ no comfort, suggestive but not explicit, renjun is lowk funny but seriously there is no happy ending here, reader has fears about growing old, mentions of disability (?) that comes with aging
a/n: why oh why... everytime I write for Renjun or Jeno it comes out angsty?? i just can't help myself hehe
“There was just… something about it that got to me. I don’t know.” You pull at the loose thread of your blouse sleeve, knowing you should leave it alone until you get home where you can just cut it off, but your mind was heavy somewhere else.
Renjun simply nods, neither of you looking at each other. Staring ahead at the city lights visible from your mutual friend’s balcony. It wasn’t anything unnatural for the pair of you to escape from the heat and volume of the party inside for a few moments of genuine, friend to friend connection. Friends who have known each other for years, been through more than a few experiences together.
You exhale deeply. “It made me sad to see it.”
“Why?” Renjun crosses his arms lazily over his chest, his head resting against the back of his chair as he keeps looking toward the city. “Usually, seeing an elderly couple having lunch together would be heartwarming. Its cute.”
“He loves her. Its nice.”
“There’s nothing nice about losing your motor skills, Renjun.” You playfully scold him like a kindergarten teacher, making him laugh through his nose. You smile, but it doesn’t hide the concern in your voice as you continue, “I know its sweet, but it still made me sad.”
Renjun pauses. You start counting how many apartments in the next building over have those brightly-colored LED lights visible from their windows.
“Yeah, I guess its sad she can’t feed herself.”
“That’s not even the part that made me sad.”
“At least she has her husband to take care of her.”
“That’s the part that made me sad!” Your hands fly up in exaggeration before plopping back into your lap.
Renjun looks at you, a little confused. Its the same look he’s given you before, many times over. You were always confusing to Renjun. At one point it was fascinating to him, a mystery, something he wanted to figure out, something he wanted to study day in and day out and become an expert on. He questioned your every word, your view on everything.
Most of all, he questioned why you seemed so turned off by the idea of romance, but so incredibly on when it was just the two of you in a dark, cramped closet with nowhere to put your hands except all over each other. He’d wonder why you decided it was him you wanted to spend every night with, so secret and desperate with legs tied up in knots, but the thought of marriage or sharing a future with somebody made you want to throw up. He’d giggle to himself when his friends insisted there was something funny going on between you two, but he never found it funny when he’d wake up in the morning to you already long gone from his bed.
“So… her having help made you sad? You’re kinda twisted.”
“That’s not what I meant!” You playfully slapped his arm. The sharp contact reminded Renjun very briefly of the way you used to touch him, the way he used to touch you, before you decided that you should never touch each other again and whatever funny thing you had going on was over. A decision you gave him no voice in. A touch you haven’t given to each other since.
“Its great that she has that. I’ll never have that…” You pull the thread further out of your sleeve, watching as the seam becomes loose and unraveled.
Renjun finally looks over at you and notices your path of destruction, reaching over and snapping the thread between his fingers to stop any further damage. “Sure you will, some day.”
“Shut up, Renjun,” you snap, “you said so yourself. I’ll never find someone who will stay with me.” You cross your arms in a huff, looking at your former friend- turned lover- turned just friend again, as he simply keeps watching the city.
He couldn’t argue with you. He did say that. And he meant every word of it. You had played your little game with him, keeping him close enough to feel your red hot touch, but far enough to never really reach you. Demanding him in your moments of neediness and boredom, but ignoring him when he longed for something intimate and sweet.
So when you finally drew your game to close, he made sure to tell you that your penchant for a dizzying push and pull would ensure that you stay alone forever, which seemed to be what you wanted anyway.
“Is that what you want?” He asked, no emotion discernable in his expression. “Someone to take care of you?”
“I can take care of myself.” You pull your knees up to your chest, making yourself even smaller on your friend’s flimsy patio chair. The night air doesn’t have any chill to it besides a refreshing summer breeze, yet you feel your body shaking. “But… what if one day I can't anymore? What if I need someone to help me do stuff? What if I can’t feed myself my own soup?”
“Then you’ll find a nursing home or something.”
“Why do other people get life partners and I get a random nurse?”
“That nurse will take care of you.”
“Yeah…” You sigh. “But they won’t care for me.” You wait for a response from your friend, hearing nothing but the frenzy of the house party just beyond the door behind you. You look at Renjun, his jaw noticeably clenched, his eyes focused on some vague obscurity in the distance.
He looks at you. “You know I could have done that for you. I would have.”
You do know. You know that he was head over heels for you. You know that he would have stayed by your side until the end of time. And you know full well that its too late for that now.
Renjun doesn’t say another word. He doesn’t have to, you know what he’s thinking. How dare you refuse to spend an eternity with him, then complain about your eternity being lonely? He simply gets up from his chair, pats out his jeans a bit, and rejoins the party. Leaving you alone– something he said, and you knew, you’d always be.
