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recovered tma shitposter

@ineffable-grimm-pitch / ineffable-grimm-pitch.tumblr.com

baz, igp | any pronouns | 21
bitch (affectionate) summerland out now on AO3!
find me on AO3: @ineffable_grimm_pitch

summerland

fandom: Simon Snow

relationship: snowbaz

rating: Teen and Up (for some big kid language)

additional tags: high school au, non-magic au, slowburn, idiots to lovers

chapters: 23/25

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BAZ

Snow builds on the ground outside my car as I drive to school. It’s probably unsafe for me to be driving right now, but I find that I don’t seem to care. The heater is turned all the way up and it’s making a valiant effort blasting at full power through the small vents on my dash, but it does little in the way of combating the biting cold that finds its way into my car anyway. 

I keep telling myself that I just need to get through this week, but it’s February and I’ve been repeating that same mantra to myself since at least October. And regardless, it’s only Monday, so I’ve still a long way to go before I can consider this week gotten through.

My windshield starts fogging from the cold, and I adjust the settings to have the air blow on the glass instead of on me. I pull my sleeves over my hands. Maybe I should have just walked today.

Weather like this reminds me of a time when I didn’t know any way to feel except alone. The cold months bring me back to a time I should barely be able to remember, but that I can recall in vivid detail; a five-year-old Basilton watching my father spiral after the loss of my mother, wasting away and appearing less and less frequently. I’d almost started to wonder if he was going to leave, too. I was just a kid. I didn’t know what had happened. I couldn’t have.

I kept wondering what I could do to make it better, and I became infinitely disappointed when everything I tried didn’t work, despite my best efforts. What was the magic I had to do to fix this thing I’d caused? But try and try as I might, the answer was nothing. 

And I did believe I’d caused it. After all, I was with my mother that day, and she was alive, and then she wasn’t, and things like that didn’t just happen for no reason, so it had to be somebody’s fault, so it had to be mine. I was just a child wondering what atrocities I had committed to keep Father Christmas away from my home during the holiday. 

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keep reading on ao3!

Questioner: How would Castiel be on first dates?

Misha: He would only have first dates. He's not charming or suave, doesn't have great pickup lines, and wouldn't have one night stands. ... He doesn't eat, so if you were at dinner it would be kind of creepy because he would just be glowering at you. *Cas voice* That's okay, I just like to watch you eat.

lemme tell ya fellas, having a mental illness that is heavily stigmatized and dangerously misrepresented in media sure is hard sometimes.

random strangers on the internet will be like, “i’m so ocd! i just can’t stand it when things get messy!”

so cool! but i think the word you’re looking for is actually “organized.”

because then i’ll get on the internet and be like, “i’ve had ocd episodes so bad i considered seeking inpatient treatment.”

and then a random stranger online will say, “if you say you have ocd, then why is your space so cluttered and disorganized?”

and to the random stranger i say, “the clutter exists because my object permanence skills are ass. and besides, there are lots of different types of ocd, the kind you see on tv isn’t the only kind.”

and then i will be asked, “how do you have ocd, then?”

to which i reply, “it’s an anxiety disorder that makes me have lots of awful and disturbing and upsetting intrusive thoughts, mainly centering around death and dying (amongst other things). like i had an episode in the past two years or so that stopped me from being able to drive anywhere.

i couldn’t drive bc i was convinced i was going to be involved in a car accident and be completely fine whereas the other driver would be terribly injured and i wouldn’t be able to help them and instead i’d just have to stand there on the side of the road watching them bleed out in a ditch.

because for me. that’s the obsessive part of the disorder. my brain conjures an upsetting intrusive thought that i very much don’t want to think about, which means all i can do is think about it. and i know i can’t make something happen by thinking about it too much, but also i can girl boss #manifest a fatal accident.

there was episode where i didn’t leave my house for weeks because i was convinced my presence in the general public would cause a mass casualty event and i’d be helpless while being forced to watch people die and it’d be all my fault because i thought it into existence.

so yeah my desk may be messy, but to be fair, i am constantly plagued by thoughts of death and try to cope with it by coming up with every single contingency plan and then some. that way i can be prepared to help the victim of the accident i’ve caused by existing.

another quirky fun non-cleaning my bathroom symptom of my disorder is picking at the skin on my head to the point it’s covered in sores and bald spots. bc body focused repetitive behavior self grooming habits are the self soothing technique my brain picked. so i don’t even notice i’m doing until someone smacks my hand away from my head or i need to use my right hand for something and see my fingers have blood on them.

the bfrb is a manifestation of anxiety, not self harm. but i am so self conscious and embarrassed by it that i stopped getting my hair done for like a year because i didn’t want anyone to see the 15 plus sores i have on my head at any given time.

so yeah. a dirty countertop “bothering your ocd” must be incredibly difficult for you to manage. i’ll be sure to ask you for advice the next time i go across an intersection with my eyes glued to my speedometer because if i don’t look at the road i can’t make a car appear out of nowhere to t-bone me, subsequently forcing me to watch someone die.”

so many people are up in arms about how Lucy Gray having a gravestone supposedly “ruins the ending of TBOSAS” bc this somehow “proves she’s dead and ruins the ambiguity”.

but like. have they never considered that she might not actually be buried there? empty casket funerals are definitely a thing, esp if there’s no body to bury but someone is presumed dead. it doesn’t prove whether she died at the end of TBOSAS or sometime in the meantime before the events of SOTR; all it proves is that the Covey put up a memorial to her bc she’s no longer with them.

we don’t know for sure if she’s there or not, and i choose to think that that’s intentional ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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