tired. I got up earlier than I wanted because a fucking BEE decided to come into the bedroom and buzz around my head. It was massive and loud and I couldn't go back to sleep knowing there was a goddamn BEE in my room, especially because it kept coming so close.

for those unaware, i'm apparently allergic to bees. I only have my parent's word for this as I was too young to remember the mad dash to hospital as I swelled up like a balloon but i'm not keen to find out if i'm still allergic, and the risk of rolling onto the stupid thing while sleeping was too high for my comfort so I got up.

But yeah, body isn't happy about being up early and now i'm crashing hard.

I painted the other Doll Leaves head quickly just to do something with my hands. It was a fast "whatever" job and yet oddly, didn't give me nearly the trouble the other doll did. I suppose that's what not really giving a shit about the final result does, meant I wasn't seeking perfection so much.

she's a really bizarre looking girl. Her eyes are HUGE.

I dunno what to do with her though.

It took all day, she fought me. I redid her lips like 6 times.

Her hair is a mess because her wig is so long it just messes up as soon as you touch her.

I restrung her so she now stands decently, she's a little kicky in one leg but I think that should be okay as the elastic settles.

I need to give her upper lashes but I am tired and can't be bothered digging them out.

But i'm really pleased with her. That goofy weird little face ended up quite pretty once painted.

bjd bundle is heeeere

the box they came in was TRASHED. An amazon box that's been crushed and put back together too many times. but thankfully the dolls are okay.

So, photos!

So first is Doll Leaves Amara. She's a bit yellowed

She's a goofy looking sculpt with massive bug eyes. I'll probably paint her just for practice but she's not a sculpt that i'd usually be drawn to.

I'm pretty sure this box is NOT Doll leaves, it looks a lot like the box one of my indie Chinese artist cast dolls came in actually. So hmmm. The writing says something along the lines of "artisan goods" or something.

anyway, inside that box is Doll Leaves Vivienne. Who stole Amara's yellowed body because why the hell not? lol.

The resin match is terrible but it probably won't be so bad once she has a faceup.

Vivienne is a really strange sculpt, I would never call her pretty but she has a strangeness to her that appeals to me. She has sculpted little buck teeth which I find endearing and strangely close set eyes that means she always looks a little cross eyed. She's an odd girl for sure but i'm looking forward to painting her. I think she'll be fun.

The clothes and wig and eyes all came in the bundle. There's a few other sets of eyes but they're all company defaults so not very interesting.

The wig is ridiculously long and very very thick. It's actually quite difficult to tame because there's just SO MUCH hair. It's really soft though.

Her clothes are nice enough. The top I will definitely use, it's my vibe. It looks home made or maybe an Etsy special but it's a versatile little piece.

the skirt is a bit big for the skinny Doll Leaves body, it'd probably fit a standard MSD better. It has real pockets though which is always fun. It's made of light denim and is marked "DBS". Aren't those the people who make those fake blythes? Interesting.

A fair bit of the clothing in this bundle appears to be from knockoff stores, but I will say it's all pretty decently made so yeah... go figure.

this is the clothing and other bits.

the Kimono is really lovely but i'm not entirely convinced it's MSD sized. The collar fits perfectly but the rest of the garment is really wide, but I don't know enough about this style of clothing to be sure it's not just supposed to be oversized. As it stands though, i'm wondering if this came off some other sort of doll.

The white dress is home made and entirely see through. Not sure how you'd style that. An under dress maybe?

There's a home made vest with a dog on the front too. Not something i'd have picked out but I may use it.

the checked blouse has no fasteners and appears to have been made for a female doll judging by the darts.

The little jumper is cute, if I find a doll it'll fit I can see myself using that. It's a bit short on the doll leaves body but that's mostly because of her boobs.

The stockings I will definitely use. I always find a use for socks and stockings.

the little cherry blossom leggings are cute. Nicely made too.

The satin feeling wrap shirt i'll use too. It'll be a really versatile piece as well.

The mushroom hat looks to be a Ali Express special. I can't work out quite how it's supposed to work. Maybe it'd work better on a bigger head? Like a blythe or something?

this piece is definitely factory made and gives me disney vibes. It's gorgeous. It fits the MSD body though getting the hands through the sleeves requires taking the hands off.

Anyone recognise it?

It's a piece I will definitely use. Paired with a long skirt it'll be perfect.

I found this dress and capelet for sale online with a quick google search. They're actually YOSD sized sadly, so too small for most of my dolls. Looks like it's the "full set" outfit that comes on some recast doll. Boo recasts. but it's a neat outfit and pretty nicely made. It makes me think of Doll Chateau with the overlong sleeves and the eyeball capelet lol. I do wonder if it's a copy of something, because we all know recasters have no creativity themselves.

I think the black wig with bangs may also belong to this full set. The wig is a decent little wig, i'll use it for sure and if I can find a small enough doll for this, i'll certainly have a play. It'd suit my Island Doll Pumpkin but he already has a purple floofy dress that looks perfect.

and more random bits.

The Barbie dungarees surprised me a bit. What are they doing here?

The soccer outfit is fine, it's just really boring. And the black pants I think came off a teddybear. They're really wide and the elastic is gone.

There's Amara's certificate along with a bunch of tattoos. I might find a use for the tattoos maybe. I'll hang onto them for now anyway.

I was kinda hoping the certificate might have a date in it but alas, it doesn't. I'm always curious about how old my secondhand dolls are.

Also some blind box toys.

the little foxes are Pennys Box I think, and came in sets of 3. They're really cute. I like the brown one best but the green is a close second because it looks like a succulent plant.

I don't recognise the little cats but assume they're also a blind box of some sort.

I did some costing up of things to see what it all should tally up to were I buy the things separate.

I do feel like I probably paid a little more than I should have, but when you actually cost things up it seems about right. But still, it was an impulse buy. I was the only bidder.

on the other hand, I used my ebay credit which was money I didn't even know I had so does it count as spending real money when it was surprise bonus credit?

In the end, I was considering getting Vivienne when i did my discontinuation order with Doll Leaves but decided I couldn't justify yet another floating head.

so i am quite happy to have her. She's weird and I like weird.

There's several bits of clothing I will likely use as well. Though not all of it is to my taste. I'll probably rehome the bits I can't see myself using.

And i'll likely rehome Amara's head, but i'm gonna do some practice painting first because I haven't actually painted a doll in ages and need to get back into the groove. She'll make a good practice head to get my confidence back.

So all in all i got a bunch of clothes, 2 wigs, 4 sets of eyes (even if they are kinda boring), one full doll, one head and some little toys.

Doll needs restringing, I believe I have spare elastic somewhere on my desk.. or nearby. But yeah, not exactly a bargain but still a fun project for me.

So I mean, I probably paid more than I should have for this but I got all excited about the mislabelled bjd bundle okay?

We've got a full Doll Leaves doll (Amara maybe?) and a Doll Leaves head (Vivienne) along with 2 wigs, a bunch of random clothes, some random tattoos? some eyes and some blind box figures.

the little foxes are Pennys box but I don't know where the transparent cats are from.

I also can't make out most of the clothes so it'll be interesting to see what's actually here.

neither wig looks like it's in great condition but I might find a use for them. Wigs are always useful to have.

Do I want Amara? Not really. But I was eying Vivienne's very strange face in Doll Leave's discontinuation event. She's a very... very odd looking doll. And I do rather enjoy odd looking dolls. And extra bodies are useful. And maybe Amara's weird little face will endear her to me when she arrives. If nothing else she'll be a good little project to get me back into the swing of painting dolls.

As it stands, I used my ebay balance anyway. I had a bunch of cash from selling excess dolls from bundles etc.

I don't actually know how to withdraw my ebay funds either. They changed things recently and I am very lost with the whole thing. It used to just automatically transfer into my bank account but they seem to have stopped doing that. So hmmm. I think you have to manually withdraw it now.

But the good news there is that this was money I didn't actually know I had lol.

So teechnically if I didn't know I had the money, does this mean I didn't really use any of my savings? lol.

Anyway,

it'll be interesting to see what there is in this bundle.

Hiked to next town over for my doctor appointment. Still have an infection.

So now I have the strong stuff.

but yeah.

Thing is, I don't really have symptoms now. But when I ended up with sepsis I had no symptoms prior either. No symptoms doesn't mean there's no infection.

So i'm glad I made the hike over to get this checked.

He's also going to chase up the hospital for me about this surgery.

But now i'm exhausted because it's a bit of a walk and I am struggling with my energy levels at the moment. I did mention this but he didn't have much insight, he checked my blood results and was just kinda "uh... dunno." but I suppose he wants me to not have a damn infection before we start talking about fatigue because that's gonna cause exhaustion too.

Picked up the antibiotics on the way home which was convenient. Hopefully these ones sort the issue.

So I was getting fed up of all the boxes in the dining area and so was husband. Tonight after dinner I finally moved them and started to sort through them.

a lot of them are dolls I bought ages ago and never quite got around to deboxing because deboxing dolls takes a lot of time and energy I seldom have (another reason I prefer to buy secondhand) but after deboxing all the ILY Disney fashion packs and putting them into a bag for storage I decided I should also open some of the bulkier boxes.

some stuff I took upstairs in box because I want to keep them in box for the time being.

but GCDS Sasha I always intended to redress.

Her box was every bit as horrible to open as i'd anticipated. It took me ages to work out even HOW to open the stupid thing (from the bottom, but even that wasn't straightforward) and then all the tabs.. oh god so many tabs in her head. She was plastic stapled in, and sewn in, and BOLTED in with plastic bolts holding her oversized stupid stage stand to the box.

why?

just fucking why?

It took a while to get her free and then I had to contend with trying to get her clothing OFF which again, wasn't easy. See the silver bodice thing she has is made of metal (I think) and fastens with a jewellery clasp which is tiny.

my fingers often hurt quite a bit so fiddling with tiny jewellery clasps wasn't ideal.

I hated her shoes. I hated her coat (it's nicely made, I just hate the style of it) and I cannot figure out a way to make that silver piece work because it just sits a bit strange to me... but her bodysuit is pretty cool.

in the end though, I elected to completely strip her and start from scratch.

I am not sure this is her final look though. I have a lot of Bratz clothes I just didn't have the energy to dig through it all.

And I don't seem to have any long black boots and all the short ones were shorter than her stockings so wouldn't work.

bah.

anyway

I redid her hair as well and I prefer it like this, it's got more bounce to it. It was a bit too sleek before.

I also tinted her yellow eyeshadow with a little green watercolour which will wash off as and when I want to change it up but I think softens her colour scheme a little.

I considered keeping her gold earrings but I had nothing that matched them and frankly I don't vibe with mixing gold and silver much.

I also took the extra piece off her arms because I fucking HATE IT and how ridiculously long it makes the arms. The elbows bend exactly the bloody same without it, but they end up more proportionate and less floppy.

One of her arms is loose anyway. It was loose in the box and it keeps falling off when I move her too much (like when I was doing her hair). I think it needs a dab of glue.

I bought this doll for her hair, and she's been sitting in her box on my floor since (it's been several years at this point hasn't it?) so i'm glad she's finally free.

though she may end up getting a few outfit changes in the coming weeks.

Her stand stage thing is stupid. It's so oversized and the "gimmick" of it opening is purely to contain her certificate of authenticity is SUCH a waste of space and plastic. Like, at least make it deep enough to fit her purse or something inside, sheesh.

But yeah, it's stupid and I hate it. doll companies pull this crap too often. Making pointless additional shit that has no actual purpose just to bump up the price and make the box heavier so it feels more deluxe.

Cardboard would have worked just as well to have her elevated in the box and you could have made a stand that was a quarter of the size.

Anyway,

Sasha is free.

I have a few more things to debox but i've run out of steam.

we have lived in this house for like.. 14 years and only now am I considering decorating.

Like sure, when we moved in we put a couple of pictures on the wall but that was because we already had them and needed to put them somewhere. Most of the furniture we either already owned or came from Ikea to serve a purpose rather than because we liked it.

in fact, the only furniture we actually specifically picked out for aesthetic reasons were our sofas.

and because we don't OWN the house, we are a bit limited in how much we can redecorate. While I doubt my mother, the landlady, would really stop us painting things, it's also a cost and money is something we really don't have in large supply.

but i've been wanting to hang photos of the kids for years now and today I finally got some frames and put the pictures in the frames. I just have to drill hooks into the walls to hang them.

and find the attachments to hang that painting from the trash lol.

We have never found anywhere to hang our honeymoon swords (we bough them on our honeymoon because that's what normal people do right? they buy swords from the sword shop.)

but yeah. If I had my way and money was no object, i'd paint the walls a colour other than fucking white. White is BORING. White is soulless. White depresses me. Maybe a nice blue feature wall.

I'd also buy a new dining table that was rectangular instead of round and was in keeping with our house (that is, MCM rather than country cottage).

I'd get a new tv stand that didn't have broken doors thanks to toddlers.

I'd paint the doors fun colours

I'd repaint our bedroom so it wasn't an ugly shade of "kinda aqua maybe" and give it a more saturated shade of teal or purple. You know, colours husband and I actually LIKE rather than what was already there or chosen by the landlady because they're "practical"

Maybe i'd get a rug...

and we'd redo the kitchen so it wasn't falling apart and shit.

And i'd get pretty pots for my plants so they weren't in ugly plastic pots that were free from the local garden center. (I've been looking in the charity shops but no luck thus far)

I would buy actual art to hang on the walls.

Slowly i'm trying to make this house a bit prettier and less "this is a majorly subsidized rental property and former council house"

Youngest kiddo found "art" in the trash on the street.

this looks really retro, vietnamese tourist tat i'm sure but it's got a certain kitchy charm.

the other bits are all dufex pieces, foil paintings and they're really twee. I think they're hideous but he thinks they're beautiful because they're shimmery.

seriously though, who the fuck thought "hey, let's take a twee painting of a cottage and make it SHINY!" and who then thought "yes, this is what I want to hang in my house"

I can do kitch, I cannot do twee.

It's another deceased estate I think, judging by the things put out. Like whole contents of kitchen drawers and a lot of bedding and stuff. I aways think that's somewhat sad, to see a person's whole life just on the curb like that. But it happens a lot around here.

I got a whole dresser/side table from the pile a week ago. Carried the whole thing home on my own which was... really difficult actually. But it fits perfect beside the bed and now I have a load of drawers to fill with junk so it's not all over everything else.

horah.

We get a lot of stuff from the trash <_< lol. But the thing is, free is free and it's better to be used than end up in landfill right?

Sometimes I wonder if i'm inviting getting haunted by bringing all these dead person things home with me.

so the phone number on the NHS website for the gynae clinic? Turns out it's a fucking SUBWAY

what.. the fuck?

How!?? Just... just how?

I emailed them on the address the NHS site gave me but i'm not holding my breath that's correct either.

I'm pissed off

Scar is hurting really badly tonight. I put lidocaine on but it's not doing enough.

So back when they finally agreed to do the surgery to repair the damage they told me "it'll probably be before christmas" but foolish me, I didn't ask what fucking year now did I?

Because it's MARCH now and they've not contacted me at all. Yet again, just like last time with this same clinic, i'm promised a solution and then ghosted.

last year they did the exact same thing. Told me "we'll discuss surgical options with the team and get back to you" and then never did. I had to chase them about it a year later all "yeah hi, still in pain, help?"

and here we are again. Yet again told "we'll do surgery" and then nothing.

Now I get that the NHS is busy, but this is ridiculous. It's happened TWICE now with the same doctor, so i'm starting to think it's fucking personal. Last time they gave absolutely no reason for why I was knocked off the wait list, I doubt i'm on the wait list this time either.

and here's the thing, I had agreed to have it all done under local because it was going to be faster for the doctor and allowed them to slot me in wherever they had a short slot. It was supposed to make the surgeon's job easier because they didn't need the whole team. I would vastly prefer to have it done under general because having them cut into me and try to repair damaged tissue while awake is gonna SUCK, but it's something I was willing to do if it meant they could do it faster.

so much for that.

so i'm gonna wait fucking forever AND have the worst damn time.

But this needs to be repaired. The pain it causes me is unbearable.

I just, i'm so tired of having to constantly fight to get medical care. Having to make a fuss and be loud and obnoxious just to get basic fucking care. I have suffered this injury for over 13 years, I think enough is enough.

I had to fight like hell to even GET this referral in the first place, then had to fight the doctor to LISTEN to me and look at the injury in the first fucking place. She kept getting distracted by things I hadn't been referred for that weren't pressing and ignored me the first two times. I had to argue to get her to even examine me rather than just glance at it briefly and only then did she acknowledge "oh yeah, there's a hole here and a dogear of skin that needs removing."

no fucking shit. I can feel both those things.

SO why'd it take THREE appointments for her to even LOOK AT THE THING I WAS REFERRED FOR?!??

and then they ghosted me and a year later I chased them and she acted like nothing had happened and once more agreed to a surgery I honestly feel like she has no intention of ever actually doing.

and at this point i'm not even sure I trust her to do it anyway.

I just feel really abandoned. And after all these years I just don't have the energy to keep on fighting you know? im exhausted, i'm spent, I just don't have it in me to keep going.

Tomorrow is monday, if I have the energy i'll call the hospital and try to chase things. I have a doctor appointment wednesday to make sure the infection has cleared up anyway so i'll also mention it to them to chase up. But that's all I can do.

i'm so fucking tired.

and i'm in so much pain right now which just makes me want to cry.

There's no guarantee the surgery will help but I have to try because doing nothing is not tolerable.

I can't keep living like this.

the private hospital sent me a cd of my MRI scans, which i'd never seen before.

which is cool.

I mean they're really difficult to make anything out in and because a lot of me isn't where it's meant to be that makes comparing it to online resources a little tricky but it's still cool.

this one was the clearest and least um... private (a lot of them are between the leg shots which is a bit um.... yeah, I dunno, feels more intimate than my insides from the side view) but I think it's neat to have them. How often do you get to see your insides?

I'm kinda leaning toward maybe yeah top surgery might be nice. I think about it often, and while I DO think there's a certain "fuck you" to keeping my tits, at the same time they do disgust me and always have. I find a creeping discomfort in knowing they are there, not so much the shape of them, but what's inside them. The milk ducts make me uneasy, bringing back memories of painful lactation that still gives me phantom pains to this day. The idea that they still COULD produce milk makes me feel a bit sick honestly. I always hated that.

I still suffer from clogged ducts ever so often which hurt and bring back memories of unbearable pain that at times made me want to take a knife to my own chest.

they don't swell like they used to, they don't burn with pain like they once did, but I still remember that they CAN and that makes me uncomfortable.

Plus I think they're just fucking hideous.

I like breasts... on women. On me? My breasts? they're ugly things.

Having a flatter chest would allow me to wear more clothing I want to wear without feeling self conscious, it would allow clothing to fit my body more flatteringly.

But above all else, it would remove that knowledge that they COULD start to hurt again, that they COULD cause me agony once more.

something that fills me with creeping unease.

The big thing that's always put me off surgery is not the pain, I can deal with pain, but it's the inability to shower and having to sleep on my back. I can't breathe if I sleep on my back. I know i'll get really shit sleep for weeks until I can roll onto my side again.

and one part of me is like "it's a temporary discomfort, it will pass" but at the same time another part of me is like "but do i NEED to put myself through that?"

and so I argue with myself.

There's also the whole surgery being risky just because of general anesthetic but the risks are very low. Still, they are there and I know that stresses my husband out. He's nearly lost me twice and it weighs on him, so intentionally putting myself at risk, even if it's such a tiny risk, feels selfish too.

But I really do hate my chest.

If I could wave a magic wand and not have breasts I would do it in a heartbeat. if there were no risks to consider, no recovery time to think about, I would have already jumped onto that wait list.

which tells me that ultimately, it IS what I want... but it's still scary to take that leap.

There's still that fear "what if I regret it?" and I don't think it's so much that i'd regret taking these damn things away, more that I might regret any complications or bad scarring. But then I think, having ugly scars at least won't fill me with a creeping sense of unease and dread like having these intact things on me does. Complications can be fixed.

Ultimately, it's not like I really need to walk around topless so aesthetics is less the issue anyway. It is, underneath it all, really more about the discomfort I feel about the breast tissue itself.

Every time I think of them they shoot me with phantom pain, as a sort of "remember we exist motherfucker, remember how much we can hurt you."

I resent them. I'd like them gone.

but i'm still scared to take that step.