touch starved
author's note ; highly inspired by latest ptj tt with alarms. first art cr. to loveissiwan on X.
Jonggun doesn’t ask for hugs. he doesn’t initiate warmth. and he definitely doesn’t admit to wanting it.
to most people, he’s all sharp angles and cold control — distant, untouchable. that’s how he likes it too. how he’s always been. people respect fear and power. and Jonggun is very good at giving them reasons to keep their distance.
raised on fists and discipline, taught that strength meant survival, he was trained to fight — not to feel. touch, in Yamazaki world, had always meant something else. a punch. a blow. a warning. nothing comforting ever came from it. so somewhere along the way, his body just stopped expecting softness altogether.
no one really hugged Jonggun growing up. no one ruffled his hair or held him helping hand. what he got instead were commands, missions, the expectations to be perfect weapon and leader. without any hesitations. emotions were inefficient. touch was a liability.
so now, when something warm and human stirs in his chest, he doesn’t quite know what to do with it.
Jonggun doesn’t want to fight you. that’s the first thing he understands.
he doesn’t want to intimidate, doesn’t want to keep you at arm’s length like he does with everyone else. but affection? that’s foreign territory. too soft. too vulnerable. too un-Jonggun.
he flicks your forehead when you're distracted. he pokes your side when you don’t respond to him. he pinches your cheek when you ignore his presence — subtle little things, rough around the edges. never quite a real touch, never too serious. just enough to feel you.
it looks like teasing on the outside. it’s easy to mistake it for annoyance actually.
but it’s the only way Jonggun knows how to ask for touches.
because he knows that you will always brush his hand away in annoyance. or slap his forearm in playful manner if he bother you too much. a fleeting touch of fingers. the slightest touch. such a small thing Jonggun can forgive himself for, but still wanting more.
because hugging you? that would be crossing a line he doesn’t know how to return from. asking for closeness would mean admitting he wants it — needs it — and that’s too exposed, too raw. he doesn’t have the language for it.
so he lingers instead. he sits a little closer than necessary. lets his shoulder brush yours. stands behind you quietly, watching, protecting even.
and if he ever tickles you — which he does more than he’d admit — it’s because laughter feels safer than silence. because if you’re laughing, you’re not questioning his motives. you're not asking him what he really wants. and you're not pulling away.
he doesn’t touch people if its not fight. but with you, he finds his own excuses.
Jonggun not trying to be cruel or confusing — it’s just all he knows.
so no, Park Jonggun never ask for hugs.
but sometimes, when he flicks your ear or pulls you into a half-hearted scuffle that feels more like a game than a fight — maybe he’s asking anyway. in the only way he knows how.
