i visited my parents yesterday and cleared out several bags of stuff from my old bedroom. i'm currently wearing a nightgown that i've had since i was 11 or so. i feel like i'm always talking about clothes that i've had for a long time – i like connecting to previous versions of me through material souvenirs from that time & i have this urge to capture or preserve things, i'm not sure why. i feel as if i need to be loyal to the earlier me in some way, and i want to remember things. i don't want to hoard too much stuff, though, so i'm doing my best to throw/give away as much as i can. i like the idea of taking a pretty box and saving only a few of the most precious smaller items in it.

my camera roll in may 2024

march

i had the intake for emdr therapy last friday and the therapist asked me to name some good qualities of myself, and i said that i have perseverance and in the end always have some optimism about the future, which has gotten me far. and when i was struggling to come up with more she said she thought it was admirable how i managed to navigate a romantic relationship while at the same time having much to work through for myself. and now i can't stop wondering if perhaps it was irresponsible of me to pursue a new relationship while i was not 'finished' yet, even though i don't think i necessarily agree with that thought. i liked the therapist, she seemed very capable and we're going to start our sessions in april.

plans for a quilted coat...

my sister was so cute as a child. you should have seen her. when i see old photos of her i feel something that feels vaguely similar to being in love. perhaps it's like what parents feel towards their children. but i can't look at those photos for too long because it makes me want to cry.

dreamt i was taking care of my youngest sister again. she was about 8 years old. i showered her and dried her and dressed her in a shiny polyester mustard yellow dress with matching leggings.

i'm working on the crochet bag again that i started almost a year ago, oops. + my mother in law gave me boxes and boxes of thread that she got through an acquaintance.

these buttons that i bought today!! ☕🥄

a set of babushka dolls but each doll has the face of my friend stefan getting more and more drunk

my manager told me today that she wants to extend my contract and make it permanent ! i'm happy, i love it there. who would've predicted a couple of years ago that i would be living here in this city doing this job feeling settled and content. not me!

i want to throw a dinner party where everything is blue. the food, the decorations, the outfits. cobalt blue coloured cocktails and a cake with baby blue frosting. songs about the colour blue in the background (pale blue eyes, blue velvet)

i want to make a calendar with seasonal traditions that i think would be fun but that i keep forgetting to do. things like wearing pink and red on valentine's day and making a birthday cake for my cat and tie-dying a shirt in summer.

courses i'd like to take in the future: weaving, ceramics, more sewing courses, cooking (cakes? korean?)

lately i've been hanging out with friends and family, sewing and knitting, making plans for the garden (bee-friendly! vegetables!) and sowing the first seeds indoors, wearing my fun outfits and combining colours, going to the store after work, dreaming about summer plans with K. i feel so much like myself at the moment.