My current Dom understands me in a way no one else has. The world makes more sense when I’m with him, and I do feel so much more like myself, though I hate that I didn’t get to be myself like that til 48. Better later than never, right?
“Even now, as broken as you may feel, you are still so strong. There’s something to be said for how you hold yourself together and keep moving, even though you feel like shattering. Don’t stop. This is your healing. It doesn’t have to be pretty, or graceful. You just have to keep going.”
— Maxwell Diawuoh
I needed this today. 💜
This year is a struggle, and I don't see a way out of the darkness yet. The election results did have a role in this, of course, but that's one small piece of it. My dog, my soul dog, is dying. It is slow and we're trying to keep her comfortable for as long as possible, but with heart and kidney issues that seem to get more severe by the day, it's so hard watching her decline.
My birthday was last week, the day after the election, and it was the worst birthday I can remember. I'm already in a new town in grad school, which is isolating in itself, but my friends and brother's family made it more so. I'm sorry that my life events happen after really inconvenient elections (or when I got cancer in March 2020 and the shutdown prevented people from coming help me), but it sucks for me, too you know.
After being forced to miss so many Christmases due to work, I told my family that my top priority is to be present for all the holidays I can be, but it doesn't look like that will happen this year, as I won't be able to travel with my doggo so ill.
I need the universe to throw me a bone. I'm tired of everything being so damn hard all the time.
This.
My summer play partner sent me a pic of his I Voted sticker after he early voted, and it made me smile. For some reason I've been a person that people make sure to tell me, text me, call me, etc, that they've voted. I think it's because my birthday is the first week of November, so it sometimes falls on Election Day. The last time that happened I told everyone that the only thing I wanted was for everyone to vote (and cake), and the flood of texts and calls and tags on social media, surpassed my wildest expectations. But it continues to happen, and with people who didn't even know me for that birthday. It happened to me today, when someone I don't know well confessed to me that he was a Republican 'til very recently and he voted for Kamala, and he is confident we'll have results tonight.
A current play partner had to make sure to tell me he early voted. I'm not going around hounding people to vote and I haven't even been talking about this election much at all (due to anxiety). But there's something that seems to make people want to make sure I know they voted. Maybe that goes hand in hand with what one of my former coworkers used to say ~ that I would've been burned at the stake during the witch trials for being an ally against discrimination. That was one of the greatest compliments I've ever received.
That got me thinking about other things that made me smile and it started a cascade of joy. Last month I took myself to high tea at The Peabody and my waiter, after a pretty long discussion, said that I must be 'like the coolest person ever'. And a few weeks before that I was at a concert and passed a family ~ the surly teen girl looked at me and said, 'wow. you are really petty.' How nice was that?!
My professors are beyond supportive, my family kicks ass. I have the coolest friends, and the greatest doggo in the history of doggos. So things really aren't too shabby. I'll miss A for a good while, but the hole he left has gotten smaller and more manageable.
Now to bury my head under my pillow to avoid the news. I'm living in denial and will never understand how many people seem to be super pumped about fascist authoritarianism.
I'd like to write a little yet again about the process of finding a Dom. This has been so much more difficult than I ever anticipated. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but the level of difficulty is off the charts. When I moved to a new city I got active with fet again and have been out with several people thus far, trying to find a Dom. I've had some not great dates, but have always found that the kink community is filled with wonderful people, so even the not great dates were still decent enough ~ the men were nice enough. But what I just really don't understand is a Dom working hard to pursue me, only to drop me as soon as I feel comfortable with them. This has happened twice ~ similar situations. Met online, they gave me their phone numbers unsolicited. They told me everything I wanted/needed to hear, treated me wonderfully, etc... until they ghosted me. Why would you work so hard to make someone feel so at ease only to pull the rug out from underneath them? I really don't understand it. This last one has really messed with me. I thought we had a wonderful first date ~ he worked so hard to knock down my defenses. He knocked them down just in time to drop me, leaving me confused and a little shattered. I did none of the pursuing here. Yet he gave me a glimpse into a life that I want and apparently can't have, which was the cruelest part of all of it. I've known for about ten years I guess that I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life, but I suffered momentary bouts of amnesia and re-entered the dating world. That is not a mistake I can make again. My soul can't take it anymore. This last one really messed me up. I mean, when I was talking about how my niece and I bond over Sephora, he took my hand and told me I was beautiful and didn't need make up. We didn't even have sex ~ made out a bit and he played with my breasts, so it couldn't have been my performance. So I'm stuck scratching my head and wondering what insecurity it was that made him ghost me. Or maybe it's something that's not a current insecurity that should be a new one?
Had my first real taste of exhibitionism earlier this week. A few months back I hooked up with Dom play partner who takes notes about what I like so he can use it on me again but doesn't think twice about forcing my face into his cock while he's driving.
He told me not to wear panties and to bring my furry fox tail plug.
Almost as soon as I got into the car, he pulled my top down to display my tits, while he's driving in my neighborhood (then on to a busy street).
When we got to a crowded thoroughfare, he made me pull my leggings down so he could finger me, all while my tits are on display. I'd broken one of his rules and forgot to bring something he'd asked me to, so my punishment was that I had to buy condoms at the drug store, while wearing my tail plug inside my skin tight leggings. He inserted the plug into my ass in the parking lot.
Afterwards he drove around and forced my face on his cock. Though he didn't really have to force me. Parts of the evening are a blur, but at one point while I was naked in the truck he told me to masturbate while he massaged my tits.
For a moment or two, I felt so completely free. It wasn't even a sexual feeling exactly ~ just freedom.
Anyhow, hopefully my Slutty Era summer will continue into the fall....
