keep the hoping machine running

green!

leonard cohen - sisters of mercy // claude monet // malvina reynolds - god bless the grass // hurvin anderson // florence welch - south london forever // vincent van gogh // steve earle - ft. worth blues // henri biva // joni mitchell - marcie // constantin westchiloff // phil ochs - bound for glory // roman fresco in pompeii // o johnny's on the water (traditional) // arthur rackham // townes van zandt - like a summer thursday // vietnamese farmers harvesting water chestnuts // joni mitchell - little green // beatrix potter

okay i skimmed my advisor's line edits i wrote my stupid little reading response. i'm gonna get up tomorrow at 8:30 text my boyfriend so he'll answer my previous text lie in bed until 9:00 get up have breakfast then go to school meet with my advisor go to work come home go have dinner with my aunt. yay.

my prof said we can choose between a few different options for the final but if we really don't want to formulate a single thought of our own he will give an automatic b+ to anyone who records or films themself reading 100 pages of anything assigned for the class out loud and he'll make it an a- if you do it in a public location

and i feel like such a bad girlfriend for being so sensitive over this :/ not that i would ever like actually start shit with him over this bc it's not his fault but like i feel guilty for even being upset over it even though i can't rly help feeling that way & i've been doing well at avoiding making it his problem

& i need to make it 100% clear that i do not feel like this 24/7 or even all that often it's specifically a result of texting him and not getting a response when i'm already in an emotionally fragile state brought on by factors entirely unrelated to him. he is always very kind to me when i'm in one of my weird moods and i can handle the texting thing easily when i'm not in a weird mood it's just the combination of the two

i'm dating the nicest guy in the world and he loves me so much and yet for some reason if i'm in one of my weird moods and i try texting him i start feeling like i'm in some kind of deeply unhealthy relationship with a man who doesn't care if i live or die. which beyond being terrible for my own mental health is not fair to him bc he very much does care if i live or die in fact he cares about more than that because as previously established he is in love with me

and it suckssssss bc he's literally not playing mind games and he's never made me feel like i need to be putting this much thought into a fucking text message. i'm playing mind games by myself with the fake evil alternate universe boyfriend in my brain

the other problem is that it makes me overthink whatever the last thing i said was like this time it was just along the lines of "yeah i'd like to have lunch together on thursday but i know you have assignments due so it's fine if you don't have time" which is like i think a totally normal and reasonable thing to say but now part of me is freaking out that he would either see that as me not actually wanting to see him or interpret it as a passive aggressive "i want you to put me above your schoolwork but i'm gonna pretend to be all noble and understanding" type thing which like to be completely crystal clear it was neither of those things it was a sincere explanation of what i meant

it sucks so bad bc i love him and he's so nice to me but texting him stresses me out so bad it was like this when he had just started dating and i thought it would improve but tbh we've been going out for 3 months and i still get sooooo nervous. not bc of anything he does i just can't be normal about it. but also it's worse rn bc i'm in such a weird spot emotionally and that will pass i just need to chill out

i like actually cannot be texting him after 10pm bc he has that thing on where it blocks all notifications so then he doesn't see my texts and then i get nervous. so i always end up double texting in the morning anyway.

my uncontrollable urge to make my boyfriend pay attention to me bc i'm feeling needy and emotionally fragile vs my pervasive guilt and shame over how clingy i'm acting