Pinned
22 yo bi gnc mutt-babe who manages to be a simultaneous freak of nature and freak of circumstance. Bastard orphan child of God. Village edgelord. Queen Roach. Traumacore nobody. KnowYourMeme famous. Girlblogging since 2018 (before it was cool). Coiner of corecore. I post what i want and what looks kewl.
Anyways. I feel like ptsd was a subcategory of my cptsd and I feel it has resolved pretty much. I also feel my cptsd has calmed a lot, but I also think it never fully resolves. I think it stays with you no matter what and I think the closest you can get to resolution is acknowledging that fact and accepting it. For some that can be the toughest battle. Just recognizing you’ll live a life with cptsd and trauma forever being a part of it is brutal. Radically accepting that fact is a separate matter and can be infinitely harder to cope with. I go back and forth on it. I lean towards acknowledging and accepting it most of the time. I feel that way right now.
It isn’t a death sentence to me. I can live a happy, beautiful life, and trauma is just a part of my history. I can have beautiful relationships and experiences and make wonderful memories for myself and still have cptsd in the background. Most importantly I can assert that. It doesn’t have to be a burden all the time. Yes, it (cptsd) shaped me, but it was just trying to protect me the way it knew how to. It’s my turn to protect it by honoring it’s feelings and it’s existence.
Ive had to differentiate between my ptsd and cptsd despite them coming from similar places and having overlapping symptoms. I feel like i’ve healed from ptsd and I also feel like I’ve healed a lot from cptsd, but my ptsd is not a ‘part’ of me and my cptsd is. I dont identify with cptsd necessarily but I also dont think its something i can separate from myself. I dont really know where the lines are drawn between my personality traits, my cptsd, and my adhd. I don’t know if there’s necessarily lines at all.
Inside of me I have this constant feeling of remorse. Contrition. Penitence. I always feel the need to apologize for something. Not like on a global scale like in a localized fashion that centers around my past and my trauma and my family and choices i’ve made. I think at the core it stems from shame. I feel ashamed of myself. So instead of dealing with directly feeling ashamed of myself I just feel intangibly or irrationally sorry. Irrational in the sense of cognitively understanding that some of the things i feel remorseful about were things i had to do to survive at the time, and when I was too young to really have full autonomy over or understanding of decisions that I had to have answers for quickly. Intangibly in the sense that I’m not sure what i’m sorry for. It’s taken me years to get to a point of recognizing that feeling at all. Now I feel like I can see it in my behavior all the time; I don’t know how to cope with it.
There are so many things that i want to say to you but i cant let myself go ahead with it. I feel like i fucked up everyones lives. I felt like i never took care of you like you deserved to be. I tried hard to protect you but it wasnt enough. I was mean to you. I was mean to you when you just wanted my attention. I took myself out of your life and i made you suffer the consequences of it. I hate myself because i feel like ive never been good enough at anything. I’m sorry for everything. And im sorry Ive never said this to you.
I have mostly recovered from almost every single mental health problem ive ever had but still sometimes that wounded child in me cries and it feels like im the only person who can calm her. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m sorry you can’t forgive yourself for doing what you did. I’m sorry you feel responsible for something you aren’t responsible for. I’m sorry that i haven’t told you it’s not your fault. I love you.
