Subliminal

honestly if you dont have some type of cringe-ass autism-induced deviantart-tier fetish you arent truly living life

i have crazy garlic fingers from peeling and chopping garlic cloves yesterday this phenomenon is always fascinating to me because it reminds me that i, too, am made of meat, and therefore i am also susceptible to being seasoned

Hey bitches. Let’s fuck Monday hard

Hey bitches. Let’s fuck Tuesday hard

Celibacy Wednesday

Hey bitches. Let’s fuck Thursday hard

me: (wearing a little princess dress and a fancy princess crown) you guys arent secretly plotting to kill me right ?

my loyal servants: umm.. noooo

servant one: (were totally gonna killer right)

servant two: (yeah duh come on man)

me: you guys are really cool. you know youre probably my best friends. im kinda lonely so i really like having you guys around

servant one: (well now i just feel bad)

servant two: (yeah maybe this is fucked up)

me: okay now you guys should make out with each other to make me happy

servant one: (nevermind lets kill her)

servant two: (well now. hold on. lets hear her out)

for like a decade I kept getting the advice of "don't ruminate" but also "sit with your emotions" and I was like What The Fuck Does That Even Mean. until someone finally explained it in a way that makes sense:

so there's the emotional part of your brain ("I'm embarrased") and then there's the storytelling part ("all my friends hate me and I'm a piece of shit"). when people say "don't ruminate" what they mean is don't feed the storytelling part

you tend to the emotion ("I'm feeling x. why am I feeling that? how do I move forward given that information? what's something nice I can do for myself right now to cope with this?") but you treat the storytelling part like a little goblin that's trying to be as unhelpful to this whole process as possible. this doesn't shut the storytelling goblin up completely, but it keeps it from causing so much chaos and over time it stops talking so damn much

it's basically like if you were trying to comfort a friend. you'd validate their emotions, but you wouldn't sit there and let them call themself a piece of shit. do that for yourself

sharing this in case someone else is also like Why Didn't Someone Just Say That

Mind Wave Sea Life Fish Sticker Sheet

if a man suddenly gets into pokemon in his late 20s. well i dont know what means. nothing ever makes sense anymore. *tearing up, sudden southern accent* Everything feels different

watched a porno where the two guys just kind of noncommittally jerked each other off for what felt like forever and when one of them eventually shot his load the other went "oh shit wtf!" and pogged like he didn't know something like that could even happen but thought it was kind of cool in a scary way

idk sorry

i like working at plant store. sometimes you ring up someone and there's a slug on their plant and so you're like "Oh haha you've got a friend there let me get that for you" and you put the slug on your hand for safekeeping but then its really busy and you dont have time to take the slug outside before the next customer in line so you just have a slug chilling on your hand for 15 minutes. really makes you feel at peace with nature. also it means sometimes i get to say my favorite line which is "would you like this free slug with your purchase"

@holyknuckled you get it. lterally what are we here on earth for if not to occasionally impose gastropods upon unsuspecting customers. this story is delightful

@holyknuckled like that?

oh? my god???

yeah, Exactly like that

i sent this gif to a black cowowker at work then later asked my white manager if he likes apple fritters and he was like "i fuckin love apple friters" and she laughed so hard she got a migraine

Diagrams are helpful to me

I am not joking when I say this exact thing has happened to me. Like having a white girl temper tantrum punching stuff in the freezer at work?? Been there lmao

any time i hear the insufferable transphobic athlete arguments i think of that one time in middle school when my boys lacrosse team did a full-contact scrimmage against the girls team (who typically play with limited contact) and i, a six-foot, 180lb defender, got utterly laid-out by this 5-foot-nothing girl experiencing the newly-unleashed animosity accompanied by violent sport and as i looked up at my assailant from flat on my back i experienced a brief bout of heterosexuality and fell wildly in love and then had to be taken to the ER because i had a concussion

“from flat on my back i experienced a brief bout of heterosexuality” took me out

That was the concussion

every now and then the internet decides it should revamp the ole “stop texting first and see how many friends you lose” when in reality you could literally just communicate that u feel bad that ur the only one texting first

mfs are legit assuming that their friend isnt texting first because of how little they care abt their friendship when in reality they literally just dont know ur upset and didnt realize there was a problem in the first place. just talk to ur friends its not that hard and if they’re a bitch just tell them to kick rocks

god i never told you guys but a couple weeks ago at work i heard a guy say, and i closely paraphrase, "So I was out with my partner--republicans hate it when i say that. My heterosexual partner Jessica--" and i was straight up crying before he finished his sentence. fully diegetic convergent linguistic evolution live in the workplace