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Patricia Taxxon

@patricia-taxxon / patricia-taxxon.tumblr.com

On the internet, no one knows you're a human. (🔞 account, thank u)
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I was beaten, manhandled and given sexual intimacy before I had the chance to develop a sense of personal boundaries, I was groomed and exploited before I had the chance to decide what I wanted out of online life, I was smeared and exposed before I had the chance to discover the concept of online persona or anonymity. There was a long and painful period of my career where I was trying to ignore it and maintain a clean image, paralyzed with fear and paranoia, and that didn't change until I started being open about it and began to deliberately cultivate an audience and peer group that won't dispose of me.

I'll confess, it's on purpose, I do play it up for the camera, I do occasionally realize that it's been a bit since my last playful public fetishization of grooming and incest and I deliberately fire off some rent-lowering gunshots. I've learned time and time again that there can be no filter, because if someone knows me without knowing all of me, they'll inevitably find out, either because I have stalkers who hope to expose me to them or because I simply cannot exist ingenuinely, and when they find out, it is suddenly my fault for misleading them, leading them on, making their disposal of me needlessly painful.

So fuck it, right? I bark in the voice chat on day one, talk about furry stuff on day two, casually drop mentions of my assault on day three. There can be no privacy, only allies.

#mini essay#transmisogyny#tw incest#tw csa#cilantromixture
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how does anyone have anything traumatizing happen to them without developing DID

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I still sometimes watch my problematic fav who I have many complex and mostly negative thoughts about, theramintrees, and the way he talks about his childhood with so much clarity and its exactly as sustained and brutal as mine was if not moreso but he just didn't get a headmate, not for him. what gives

#cilantromixture#pluralmusings
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in spite of everything it is still impossible to prove the existence of feelings in my head to people who don't believe in them. was the same when i was young, youd think i have learned that by now.

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it was foolish of me to think i was going to continue having an even barely functional relationship with social media while dealing with the stressor of living on my own for the first time without social stimulation from anywhere in real life. i cannot be wasting energy on defending myself against smears at this time. it's going to kill me.

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i started crying today for no reason and my face pre-emptively began to hurt with the effort of making yet more tears

#cilantromixture
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in spite of everything it is still impossible to prove the existence of feelings in my head to people who don't believe in them. was the same when i was young, youd think i have learned that by now.

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it was foolish of me to think i was going to continue having an even barely functional relationship with social media while dealing with the stressor of living on my own for the first time without social stimulation from anywhere in real life. i cannot be wasting energy on defending myself against smears at this time. it's going to kill me.

#cilantromixture
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in spite of everything it is still impossible to prove the existence of feelings in my head to people who don't believe in them. was the same when i was young, youd think i have learned that by now.

#cilantromixture
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this is also a good day to find out that theres an improved scanlation for gash bell being developed, seemingly just finished volume 8 a month ago. they got a while to go until peak (the faudo arc) but still

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unnnnnng there is now a 3rd spelling of that horrible duck child's name that i have to choose between, why did vizmedia do this to us

#cilantromixture
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juney-blues asked:

puzzle game recommendation: Jelly no Puzzle by Qrostar!

it's super tightly designed. i'm not great at puzzle games and usually flounder through them without gaining a real grasp of the mechanics, but this is one of the first times i've really understood the language of a game like this and thought about what the win condition for a puzzle would look like, and what moves would need to be made to get there, and what moves would be strictly impossible.

made me really feel for myself what you like about the genre

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i have not taken the qrostar pill yet, i tried yugo puzzle and it was too hard. like i didnt crack it, felt like a process of proving without a doubt that the puzzle is impossible and then finding one move i hadnt done yet, but i probably need to git gud

#cilantromixture#patricia taxxon ask
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this is also a good day to find out that theres an improved scanlation for gash bell being developed, seemingly just finished volume 8 a month ago. they got a while to go until peak (the faudo arc) but still

#cilantromixture
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rereading konjiki no gash bell to heal

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the demon children sometimes look like children, sometimes (usually when they're antagonists) they're ageless beings who speak formally, some are monsters or animals that don't talk, but there are also monsters and animals who can talk and also human looking ones that are nonverbal, gash himself is kinda simultaneously a little brother to kiyo and also a puppy, the magic system is a spreadsheet, character development happens but it's broad and tropey and also mostly for mechanical purposes, level 4 autism manga

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u can show a girl a spreadsheet of every demon child from konjiki no gashbell and ask her to point to what type of autism she is

#cilantromixture
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Reblogged
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rereading konjiki no gash bell to heal

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the demon children sometimes look like children, sometimes (usually when they're antagonists) they're ageless beings who speak formally, some are monsters or animals that don't talk, but there are also monsters and animals who can talk and also human looking ones that are nonverbal, gash himself is kinda simultaneously a little brother to kiyo and also a puppy, the magic system is a spreadsheet, character development happens but it's broad and tropey and also mostly for mechanical purposes, level 4 autism manga

#cilantromixture
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Reblogged
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You know the autistic / transfem / traumatised (not sure which exactly) thing where someone confronts you about how you've caused harm and you just instantly believe them and apologise and apologise and apologise.

Then afterwards when you regain rationality you realise that it wasn't your fault, or it wasn't a big deal. But you've already Pled Guilty and you can't take that back. You've already permanently lost social status. You can't relitigate closed matters.

Is there a word for that?

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