Fun Fact: Not A Guy

actually. hm. this reminds me

plz elaborate on ur decision

Sad to be the one to tell y'all, but aborted children and children died before christening don't get into heaven. They go to the Limbus, the outermost circle of hell, where the souls go who are exempt from paradise without it being their fault

You need to update your sources

Since 2007 unbaptized children go to heaven and limbo doesn't exists anymore

mf aint even read the patch notes

so the BBC accidentally said the UK consumes 4.7 kilograms of cocaine per person per day

you guys would love the last panel in xkcd 624

not to be insensitive but some of the salem witch trials were so funny bitches like “i saw her at the devils sacrament!!!” girl… what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament 👀

If ANYTHING is a heritage post it’s this.

What do you mean it’s only from 2020???

Search is turning up nothing, but that's Tumblr even if there is something, so:

Have I told you guys about my many adventures with the brothel massage parlour around the corner from my house yet?

Looks like I haven't. Okay, well, let's see. I'll just give highlights, but it'll be long, so let's do a readmore.

So, in mid-2022, I dared to age past about 35 and therefore started withering bodily. Of course, this is partly my fault, because I do not get enough exercise, but also (shakes fist at uncaring universe, pulls muscle in fist) Life Hates Me

So, I started getting muscle pain between the shoulder blades. In my case, this is actually one of those annoying to-avoid-one-disability-you-created-another things, because I've had problems with my lower back since I was in my mid-20s thanks to never using proper lumbar support. Therefore, my standard spot to be in my living room became the sofa that stretches away from the TV, because then I could lie on the sofa and prop my head up on the arm to watch, but that means I spent several years as a recreational candy cane and NOW HERE WE ARE. I remember desperately trying to find a massage therapist that could see me that day before I went away to Edinburgh in August that year, and there was nowhere at all available. I had to get one in Edinburgh when I arrived, which was lovely, but also about £20 more expensive, because Edinburgh.

And then! In November! Of 2022!

I must have wished really hard. Because around the corner from my house - so close I could forward roll that distance, if it weren't for, you know (gestures at body, pulls muscle in arm)... a massage parlour opened.

Except. Here's the thing.

It had a name like "Swansea Oriental Massage" or "Thai Lotus Massage" or what have you (real name not given for privacy reasons.) The kind of name that makes you go "Ah. An independent business, likely staffed by workers fresh from abroad, with a name that implies exotic women to a certain type of client. This may be entirely what it claims, but it definitely Fits a Profile."

And to be clear, I have no issues at all with it being a brothel! I truly, genuinely don't. But for obvious reasons, I do want to know if I'm booking a session with a masseuse or a sex worker, because those are very different types of happy endings.

Literally all time fav

hi guys. woke up to this on my phone today. zero fucking recollection of writing this down

Hm

@ faradaycockcage

Further evidence

In the second Sonic movie, he refers to him self as ‘hedgehog of the house’ in Tom’s absence instead of ‘man of the house’ further implying his gender is hedgehog

not "he" as in "he/him" but "he" as in "hedgehog"

…………….y’all ready for Pesach?

Because this person certainly is!

My goyische fiance: “Is this a prank?” 

after being informed it is not:

“At that point you should just go outside and build a kosher hut” 

also

art becomes life I guess

I’m sobbing this is a perfect addition

We knew this couple from our schul back in the day who had an issue with birds continually flying into their french window, so upon advice from an animal control expert they lined the outside of the window with foil as a measure to ward off the birds. 

I am not jewish so my presence is not relevant. However i am high. And i genuinely cant tell if this makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE WHATEVER because i am high or because im not jewish. Or are jewish holidays just…. Like that.

Jewish people: this post

Me, a simple non jew who happens to be high as balls, sobbing: what the fuck does this mean

Yo @transenbyhollis that is an extremely fair question, high or not. 

For you and the rest of the peanut gallery, the joke here is honestly…. just kind of something you had to have lived through to really get? 

So you may be aware that many Jews (in particular, religious Jews, but some secular Jews also) keep the dietary laws known as kashrut. The really, really basic meaning of this is that we only eat meat from certain animals that has been slaughtered in a certain way, and we separate meat and dairy. How people observe this in practice varies a lot. If you follow the strict traditional rules, you have separate dishes, cookware, and ideally appliances for meat and dairy. However, there is a whole continuum of practices that are more lenient. 

In any event, for eight days a year, during the holiday of Pesach (Passover), those who keep kosher year-round (and even some who don’t) observe unique kashrut rules that involve removing all of the chametz (leavened grain products) from the household and one’s diet. If one holds by traditional observance, ridding one’s life of chametz in preparation for Pesach is a BIG deal, and includes a truly insane amount of cleaning and then the covering of surfaces that cannot be kashered. 

People literally clean for a month to be fully prepared. In fact, you know what? I’m just gonna drop this here: https://www.chabad.org/holidays/passover/pesach_cdo/aid/664473/jewish/Printable-Passover-Guide-2019.htm. 

It’s such an intensive process that once you’ve lived through it, it only makes sense to make jokes about it. Covering items that do not have and couldn’t even have food on them (see: the toilet paper) is hilariously over the top, but a good tension relief when you’re on your tenth hour of scrubbing your entire kitchen with a toothbrush to ensure that literally no cookie crumb has escaped. 

GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS AGAIN

Sudden mental image of a dude just taking a power washer to his kitchen

when i was a small child i (christian-raised) understood: Passover and Easter are two holidays that are around the same time of year but different; Easter is the Christian holiday celebrating Jesus’s return from the dead; Passover involves a ban on chametz and can involve observers throwing a lot of chamitz away. Young me came to the knowledgable conclusion that Jesus = chametz

How dare you leave this in the tags:

[Screenshot ID: tags from @kindigo

#christians: so easter is coming up #jews: *busy cleaning for pesach* love that for you. SARAH CHECK ON TOP OF THE CABINETS. I DON’T CARE GET A STOOL. #christians: …so have you heard about our lord and savior jesus christ #jews: YES EVEN THE TOILET PAPER. ALL OF IT. sorry im really busy. what’s so special about this guy? #christians: he is risen– #jews: *screaming* End ID]

Someone liked this post and therefore made it surface in my notifications again and uh. Rude reminder that Pesach is less than two weeks away 😳😨🥲