Feel like one. Also my instincts are right what's goin' on with ya

Lazarus boops Phoenix with his other hand

He snaps his teeth at Laz’s hand, trying to bite the finger that boops him. He comes up unsuccessful.

“There is nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. See, I’m talking and everything. Chatty as ever.”

He was rambling. Which was normally a bad sign unless he was excited.

Uh huh. So want t' tell me what's happening or do ya want me t' call yer brother?

Lazarus for good measure just wobbled him a little, for enrichment

Phoenix’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, only scowling a little at the wobbling. It was kind of fun, but he’d never admit that.

“Don’t you dare— Cedric does NOT need to be involved in this. He deals with my issues enough. Everyone does.”

Only making me want t' call him more lad. And no one's "dealing" with yer issues. We hang around and help cause we want to and care.

Lazarus maintained the wobbling if only cause it was somewhat amusing to do

Phoenix lets out a small noise of frustration and glared at Laz. He wanted to say something else, but he knew that any kind of self deprecation would just be getting a call to his brother.

“Will you just put me down? I can’t think when you’re shaking me like I owe you money, just vaguely gentler.”

Nah, if ya wanted t' escape ya would've tried by now. Plus if I wiggle ya enough maybe ya will get those thoughts out yer head

Lazarus just walks as he maintained the grab, humming as he did so

“…you suck,” he muttered. The thought of wiggling to try and get out had crossed his mind, but he decided against it. Air jail wasn’t that bad. “I should bite you for this.”

But he wouldn’t, because more often than not biting was an affectionate thing. Not an ‘I’m pissed off’ thing. “Can you at least hold me in your arms instead of relying on my clothes to hold me up?”

Won't do much t' me, ya already know how I deal with that because of King.

Lazarus considered the request before lifting Pheonix up further to cradle Phoenix in his arms

That better lil prince?

Phoenix relaxes ever so slightly and nods. He lets out a sigh and rests his head against Laz.

“…that’s a new one,” he said. All of his previous annoyance has bled out of him by now, and the guilt has set in. “Sorry. For kind of being a dick. They had me on…a few different medications, and they’ve all make me feel gross. Guess they aren’t all out of my system yet.”

Just remind me of a lil prince sometimes.

At the words Lazarus stopped in his tracks before freezing and swearing under his breath

Fuck, I'm a fuckin' idiot of course yer feeling off I should have weaned ya off. I'll have t' call them t' see what they were given ya.

“Fair enough.”

As Laz stopped, Phoenix looked up at him and tilted his head. “It’s fine, really. Not the first time I’ve cold turkey-ed meds. I’ll just be a little weird for a few days,” he said with a slight shrug. He let out a small groan and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Maybe take away my phone during that time. I already pissed off Garrison, I think. Gonna have to fix that later. Goddamn I’m stupid.”

Absolutely not. I'm not goin' t' let ya suffer just cause ya can handle it. If anything I'm obligated to because I was the one who messed up and made ya deal with this

Lazarus looked down at Phoenix and started walking in the direction of the couch and sitting down

And yer not stupid, just suffering cause of withdrawals. We can make Garrison an apology cake later if ya want

Phoenix just rolled his eyes a little “Well I feel stupid.” He settled against Laz’s chest when he sat on the couch. Could he have gone to sit down too? Probably. Did he want to? Not really. He’s forgotten how much he liked being carried around.

“…I wouldn’t be opposed to that. But we have to get stuff from the store, because I don’t wanna use up all the stuff in the kitchen. And it has to be perfect. Because Garrison deserves perfection for dealing with my unstable ass.”

Feel like one. Also my instincts are right what's goin' on with ya

Lazarus boops Phoenix with his other hand

He snaps his teeth at Laz’s hand, trying to bite the finger that boops him. He comes up unsuccessful.

“There is nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. See, I’m talking and everything. Chatty as ever.”

He was rambling. Which was normally a bad sign unless he was excited.

Uh huh. So want t' tell me what's happening or do ya want me t' call yer brother?

Lazarus for good measure just wobbled him a little, for enrichment

Phoenix’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, only scowling a little at the wobbling. It was kind of fun, but he’d never admit that.

“Don’t you dare— Cedric does NOT need to be involved in this. He deals with my issues enough. Everyone does.”

Only making me want t' call him more lad. And no one's "dealing" with yer issues. We hang around and help cause we want to and care.

Lazarus maintained the wobbling if only cause it was somewhat amusing to do

Phoenix lets out a small noise of frustration and glared at Laz. He wanted to say something else, but he knew that any kind of self deprecation would just be getting a call to his brother.

“Will you just put me down? I can’t think when you’re shaking me like I owe you money, just vaguely gentler.”

Nah, if ya wanted t' escape ya would've tried by now. Plus if I wiggle ya enough maybe ya will get those thoughts out yer head

Lazarus just walks as he maintained the grab, humming as he did so

“…you suck,” he muttered. The thought of wiggling to try and get out had crossed his mind, but he decided against it. Air jail wasn’t that bad. “I should bite you for this.”

But he wouldn’t, because more often than not biting was an affectionate thing. Not an ‘I’m pissed off’ thing. “Can you at least hold me in your arms instead of relying on my clothes to hold me up?”

Won't do much t' me, ya already know how I deal with that because of King.

Lazarus considered the request before lifting Pheonix up further to cradle Phoenix in his arms

That better lil prince?

Phoenix relaxes ever so slightly and nods. He lets out a sigh and rests his head against Laz.

“…that’s a new one,” he said. All of his previous annoyance has bled out of him by now, and the guilt has set in. “Sorry. For kind of being a dick. They had me on…a few different medications, and they’ve all make me feel gross. Guess they aren’t all out of my system yet.”

Just remind me of a lil prince sometimes.

At the words Lazarus stopped in his tracks before freezing and swearing under his breath

Fuck, I'm a fuckin' idiot of course yer feeling off I should have weaned ya off. I'll have t' call them t' see what they were given ya.

“Fair enough.”

As Laz stopped, Phoenix looked up at him and tilted his head. “It’s fine, really. Not the first time I’ve cold turkey-ed meds. I’ll just be a little weird for a few days,” he said with a slight shrug. He let out a small groan and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Maybe take away my phone during that time. I already pissed off Garrison, I think. Gonna have to fix that later. Goddamn I’m stupid.”

Feel like one. Also my instincts are right what's goin' on with ya

Lazarus boops Phoenix with his other hand

He snaps his teeth at Laz’s hand, trying to bite the finger that boops him. He comes up unsuccessful.

“There is nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. See, I’m talking and everything. Chatty as ever.”

He was rambling. Which was normally a bad sign unless he was excited.

Uh huh. So want t' tell me what's happening or do ya want me t' call yer brother?

Lazarus for good measure just wobbled him a little, for enrichment

Phoenix’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, only scowling a little at the wobbling. It was kind of fun, but he’d never admit that.

“Don’t you dare— Cedric does NOT need to be involved in this. He deals with my issues enough. Everyone does.”

Only making me want t' call him more lad. And no one's "dealing" with yer issues. We hang around and help cause we want to and care.

Lazarus maintained the wobbling if only cause it was somewhat amusing to do

Phoenix lets out a small noise of frustration and glared at Laz. He wanted to say something else, but he knew that any kind of self deprecation would just be getting a call to his brother.

“Will you just put me down? I can’t think when you’re shaking me like I owe you money, just vaguely gentler.”

Nah, if ya wanted t' escape ya would've tried by now. Plus if I wiggle ya enough maybe ya will get those thoughts out yer head

Lazarus just walks as he maintained the grab, humming as he did so

“…you suck,” he muttered. The thought of wiggling to try and get out had crossed his mind, but he decided against it. Air jail wasn’t that bad. “I should bite you for this.”

But he wouldn’t, because more often than not biting was an affectionate thing. Not an ‘I’m pissed off’ thing. “Can you at least hold me in your arms instead of relying on my clothes to hold me up?”

Won't do much t' me, ya already know how I deal with that because of King.

Lazarus considered the request before lifting Pheonix up further to cradle Phoenix in his arms

That better lil prince?

Phoenix relaxes ever so slightly and nods. He lets out a sigh and rests his head against Laz.

“…that’s a new one,” he said. All of his previous annoyance has bled out of him by now, and the guilt has set in. “Sorry. For kind of being a dick. They had me on…a few different medications, and they’ve all make me feel gross. Guess they aren’t all out of my system yet.”

Feel like one. Also my instincts are right what's goin' on with ya

Lazarus boops Phoenix with his other hand

He snaps his teeth at Laz’s hand, trying to bite the finger that boops him. He comes up unsuccessful.

“There is nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. See, I’m talking and everything. Chatty as ever.”

He was rambling. Which was normally a bad sign unless he was excited.

Uh huh. So want t' tell me what's happening or do ya want me t' call yer brother?

Lazarus for good measure just wobbled him a little, for enrichment

Phoenix’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, only scowling a little at the wobbling. It was kind of fun, but he’d never admit that.

“Don’t you dare— Cedric does NOT need to be involved in this. He deals with my issues enough. Everyone does.”

Only making me want t' call him more lad. And no one's "dealing" with yer issues. We hang around and help cause we want to and care.

Lazarus maintained the wobbling if only cause it was somewhat amusing to do

Phoenix lets out a small noise of frustration and glared at Laz. He wanted to say something else, but he knew that any kind of self deprecation would just be getting a call to his brother.

“Will you just put me down? I can’t think when you’re shaking me like I owe you money, just vaguely gentler.”

Nah, if ya wanted t' escape ya would've tried by now. Plus if I wiggle ya enough maybe ya will get those thoughts out yer head

Lazarus just walks as he maintained the grab, humming as he did so

“…you suck,” he muttered. The thought of wiggling to try and get out had crossed his mind, but he decided against it. Air jail wasn’t that bad. “I should bite you for this.”

But he wouldn’t, because more often than not biting was an affectionate thing. Not an ‘I’m pissed off’ thing. “Can you at least hold me in your arms instead of relying on my clothes to hold me up?”

(OPEN RP)

It had been a couple days since the resident happy redhead had left on her mission. Jeanz was due back today. However, no one was prepared for how she returned. How...unlike herself she would be.

She was told it would be simple, fly out to the location, go in and rescue a captive, young girl around 19. Jeanz didn't realize that it would be the same place. That she would be thrust back into that horrifying month ordeal.

Jeanz had boarded the helo like usual, greeting Nikolai who in turn greeted her, although with a bit of hesitancy. He knew where he was flying her. She was on the mission by herself, because it was supposed to be quick, in and out, take out anyone who was in her way.

She mentally went over what she had to do as they flew, everything in her freezing as she saw where they were flying. A small gasp left her lips as she stared down at that familiar building. The one where she had been tortured. The one where she had let all the rage consume her. Had killed over 20 men when she got free. She hadn't been back since she escaped. Had barely even thought of the place since then, knowing it could trigger her. Her eyes were wide as Nikolai landed, knowing she was about to go back to one of the worst places in her life.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Three days later, Jeanz returned to base. Her mission successful. Jeanz, however, was different. Nikolai hadn't been able to get a word out of her on the trip back.

She didn't speak, just sat in the helo, her face devoid of emotions. When they landed, she got out without another word, making her way inside. She was bruised, her uniform torn in some places. Covered in dirt, her usual happy hazel eyes were empty and dead. Jeanz had some new scratches and cuts on her face and the rest of her body. Soldiers welcomed her back, expecting the normal smile and happy greeting. There was none. She would turn her head and look at who greeted her, but she didn't say anything, almost staring through them.

She made her way through the halls, heading to her room. Her head was heavy, stuck in a loop of her torture at the place she had just come back from. Stuck on the girl she had rescued. Stuck on the blood that had dried on her face, hands and uniform.

Her body was exhausted and her mind haunted. She wasn't Jeanz anymore. She was a shell. Just barely existing, barely there. Even if someone bumped into her, it was as if Jeanz didn't process it, didn't respond to it, didn't care.

She didn't fucking care about anything right now. A brief flash of wishing she hadn't come back from the mission flashing through her mind. She didn't deserve to leave that place twice. Didn't deserve to be walking through these halls. Didn't deserve anything she had right now. She should have died the first time she was in that bunker. She shouldn't have made it out alive and scarred. Marred for the rest of her life, made into this ugly thing. She shouldn't have been there or here.

Phoenix had taken to sleeping in Jeanz’s bed since she was gone. Laz had taken him back to base when the artifice had to start working again, but without Jeanz there to entertain him, there was nothing for Phoenix to do but lay there all day. He could have bothered Garrison, sure, but it would be hard to talk to him since he didn’t know sign language and Phoenix could only write so much.

The second that the door opened, Phoenix sat up and was trying to get his eyes to adjust. Laz had checked on him a couple times to make sure that he was eating, but this silhouette was too short to be Laz.

Phoenix kicked the blankets off and went over, pulling Jeanz into a tight hug before he was 100% sure that it was her. He paused when he felt the dried blood, concern filling his eyes as he checked her over for any injuries. He looped an arm around her waist and started to herd her towards her bathroom to clean her up and get her changed into something comfortable and not stained with drying blood.

Jeanz made it to her room, still just existing, the dark thoughts bouncing around in her head. She shouldn't be standing in front of her door. Shouldn't be standing at all. She shouldn't be here. Opening her door, she certainly didn't expect to be rushed, but she made no move to get out of the way, just staring forward. Then there were arms around her, a familiar scent hitting her. Phoenix. He was in her room. He was out of the ward.

Jeanz wanted to be excited, give him a kiss or something. But, she just...couldn't. She couldn't feel any emotions, her mind still stuck on her own torture, of being in that bunker again. She didn't say anything as Phoenix pulled back and looked her over.

Then she was being moved, tugged towards the bathroom. Her body was slumped and she wasn't carrying herself like she usually did. She barely blinked as Phoenix began cleaning the dried blood off of her skin.

Phoenix could tell that something was wrong. Obviously the blood wasn’t normal, but Phoenix could look past that. It wasn’t Jeanz’s, as far as he could tell. No, something happened to Jeanz, and Phoenix was ever so slightly concerned. A normal amount of concerned. Really concerned. He was really concerned.

He wanted to try and talk to her, but whenever he opened his mouth there was still nothing. He just sighed and finished wiping up the blood. Normally, he’d want to get her into the shower, but he could tell that she needed rest.

Phoenix took her back into her room and started to, ever so carefully, strip her of her uniform. He debated asking her what she wanted to wear, but decided against it at the last second. Skin on skin contact was good, right?

Jeanz still hadn't said anything, she had barely even acknowledged Phoenix as he cleaned the blood off of her. He shouldn't be doing this. Treating her with such care. She didn't deserve it. Shouldn't let him keep helping her.

But, she couldn't move, couldn't break out of the loop going through her head. She could almost feel the knife on her face again. Oh, she was moving again, back in her room.

As Phoenix started taking off her uniform she tried to move to help him, but the most movement she made was a twitch of her fingers. He was being so careful with her. He shouldn't be. She shouldn't let him. She didn't deserve it.

Phoenix stared at Jeanz for a second after her uniform was off. He didn’t stare at her body or at her scars. He stared her in the eye, wanting her to realize that he was looking at her. Not her scars, not whatever had happened. Her.

He guided her over to the bed and gently laid her down, pulling the blankets up and over her before climbing in himself. He laid flat on his back so she could rest her head on his chest.

With one hand, he started to untangle her braid, gently scratching at her scalp while his other hand held one of hers. He wanted to speak so badly, to say something to help, but all he could manage was a quiet humming and tracing her palm.

T. A. L. K. T. O. M. E. ?

Jeanz just stood there, staring straight ahead, not really seeing her own room, still stuck in her mental loop. However, when Phoenix moved so he was the only thing in her sights, she finally blinked, as if coming back to the present for a moment. Then it was gone. She laid down as he guided her to the bed, letting Phoenix pull her close to him, her head laying on his chest. Even stuck in her mental loop of her own torture, she felt the familiar feeling of safety falling over her, like a comforting blanket.

She slowly felt her mind coming back to the present, but now flashes of her mission were starting to hit her. Walking those same halls, the ones she had covered in blood when she had gotten free of that damn chair. She could still feel the handcuffs around her wrists, remembered the feeling of her dislocating her own thumb to get out of them.

She could still see herself killing everyone in that bunker once again, coating the walls and herself in blood. She could still see that poor girl, in that same chair Jeanz had been held in. Jeanz was snapped out of her thoughts when Phoenix traced letters into her palm, not realizing she had started to silently cry, some tears escaping her eyes. She blinked, flipping her hand over to trace letters back into his palm.

C.A.N.T. Y.E.T.

Phoenix felt the tears soak into his shirt, the one that Laz had given him after he first got out of the psych ward, and he got even more concerned. He watched as she started to trace letters into his palm, stopping her only so he could flip over his hand and actually feel it.

When he finally got it, he just nodded and held her hand, lacing their fingers together and ducking his head down to kiss her forehead. Phoenix pulled her up a bit so that he could kiss away the tears, not minding the taste of salt on his lips.

Now that her hair was down all the way, Phoenix was okay with resting his hand on her back, gently tracing over the scars that he had a million times before. He had so many things that he wanted to tell her. So many different ways to say that he loved her and was concerned but would always be there. But, again, all that came out was the gentle hum of an unfamiliar melody.

Jeanz gave his hand a squeeze after he laced their fingers together. That sense of comfort and safety slowly pulling her out of a trauma induced state, bit by bit. Even if she didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve Phoenix's kindness.

She felt as he shifted her, her eyes blinking again as he kissed the tears off her face. When had she started crying? She couldn't remember. She knew she wasn't in the best mind state, wasn't processing things as they really happened, only processing them a few seconds after.

Settling her head back on his chest, she felt the familiar feeling of Phoenix tracing the scars on her back. She tensed up for a moment, her mind flashing back to that place, the pain she had felt. But, then Phoenix started humming and it was like that blanket of safety wrapped tighter around her.

Her body finally relaxed as she laid there with him, struggling to focus her mind on one thing. She didn't know how she was feeling, so wouldn't it be easier to just...not? Better if she had been lost back then.

She didn't know how long they had laid there with Phoenix humming. It could have been hours for all she knew, but she was starting to come back to herself, her mind clearing up as time went by.

"My mission," she whispered, staring at the wall, one of her hands gripping Phoenix's shirt, "It was...back there...back where it...happened." And she was crying again.

Phoenix didn’t mind just laying there with her. He’d done it plenty of times before when he couldn’t sleep, holding her and watching to make sure that she was still breathing. It helped calm the constant anxiety that thrummed through his veins.

When Jeanz started talking, Phoenix paused the humming and listened intently. It didn’t take a genius to understand what she had meant. He knew what happened to her, that night on the roof gave him a pretty good idea. And she had been sent back to that place. For a mission. Where she came home covered in blood.

Anger flared in his chest and he debated making his presence known to Captain Price, to wring the man out for ever approving such a mission, whether or not he knew what it meant to her. But then he heard Jeanz crying again, and he pushed the anger down.

It was too dark for sign language, so Phoenix just moved the hand on her back up to the back of her head, slowly petting her hair. He held her hand a little tighter, pulled her a little closer. His forehead rested against hers and he pressed a few kisses around her face. Words still wouldn’t come, but the humming would.

So he hummed. Muttered out easy melodies that he remembered from his nanny whenever she would try and sing him to sleep. His voice was nowhere near as good as hers was, his slightly damaged vocal cords making his voice a little scratchy, but it was something. He would give up something, anything, everything, if it meant helping Jeanz.

Jeanz was mixed between feeling too much and not feeling at all. It had been horrible, being back there again. She had to walk through the same halls she had been in before, screaming in rage as she physically tore men's necks out with her bare hands. She had done the same, but with a knife as she had made her way back to that room.

She had been able to see the blood on the walls, from back when she first was there. She could see the images of the bodies she had left behind even as they were long gone. Then she had made it to that room, the one she had been bound in, tortured in.

The girl had been tied up in the same chair that she had been in. Jeanz couldn't help but see herself in that girl, the same age she had been when she had been in that chair. It was all too much. Jeanz cried for that girl, who didn't know the horrors that had happened in that bunker aside from all the blood. She cried for herself.

She felt Phoenix hold her closer, the hand on the back of her head, and the kisses to her face. She closed her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Phoenix, of the feeling of safety that always came being around him. Hearing him start humming, she focused on that. Letting his humming relax her. Slowly calming down, her cries quieting down until they were small sniffles.

Phoenix gently carted his fingers through her hair, taking the time to detangle the small knots that had come from her braid. He was gentle, as always. Everything he did was gentle. His humming, the hand going through her hair, the hand squeezing hers. Gentle, soft. Caring. Things Phoenix never thought that he would be.

It killed him that he couldn’t say anything. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, grasping for anything. But his tongue wouldn’t move, no coherent noise would come from his vocal cords. He was a slave to his mind yet again.

No.

No, he wouldn’t be. He wouldn’t be a slave to his mind. That’s what he’d told himself back when his fear of hospitals was still fresh and he had to be pushed around in a wheelchair. He wouldn’t let his mind rob him of his voice. Not now, when Jeanz needed him.

“It’s—“ he started before getting cut off by a croak. God, he’d have to chug some water later. “—okay. It’s okay. Doin’— good. So good.” It was small. Easy words. But to Phoenix, it was a hurdle crossed. It wouldn’t get easier, the next few hurdles would suck too, but he’d get into the rhythm of it until the race was over.

Jeanz closed her eyes as she focused on the gentleness Phoenix was showing her. Something she didn't think she deserved, didn't think he should give her. But, it was something she cherished, something that meant a lot to her.

She sniffled again, tilting her head to look at Phoenix's face, surprised to hear him speaking, but his words helped her calm down more. She had always enjoyed his voice, even now when she could tell it hadn't been used for a while. A small almost there smile pulled at her scarred lips. "It was horrible, bein' back there," she admitted quietly, shifting her head back to look at the wall again. "They had her in tha same room..."

Phoenix smiled a little as Jeanz looked up at him, wanting to try and put her at ease some more. He could see the almost smile, even through the darkness of the room. It was progress, just as her talking to him was progress. He’d take it and cherish it.

“Sounds bad,” he muttered, running his hands through her hair again. “‘M sorry.” Another kiss was pressed to her face.

Phoenix moved them so that he was holding her, wrapped around her back protectively. This way she didn’t have to worry about making eye contact with him. He knew how hard it could be, especially when talking about things like this.

It was like they were back on the roof, except there was no alcohol in their systems. Just the relivings of trauma. At least they had blankets.

Jeanz curled closer to Phoenix as if it was possible. The grip on his shirt stayed the same, as if it was grounding her there. Which, it was. She didn't know what it was, wasn't questioning it at this moment, but she had always felt safe around Phoenix, from the moment they had met.

"I 'aven't been there," she murmured, "Not since I had ta...do some terrible things ta get out o' there."

As Phoenix moved them, into a familiar position, her body relaxed even more, feeling safer. Just like she had before the mission. Only a few people could make her feel this way. Where she could let her entire guard down. Phoenix, Cedric, Lynx. Garrison and Lynx.

It was like the night he had found her, where she had bared her scars to someone for the first time without anything being behind it, other then someone just listening to her. It helped to talk about it.

"Tha proof was still there. O' how I escaped."

An aching sadness washed over Phoenix, wishing that he could just take away all of the pain that Jeanz must have gone through. It was horrible, not being able to just wipe it away. But he was grateful that she was there, relaxing against him, instead of suffering by herself. He was glad that he'd decided to come back with Lazarus instead of staying at the apartment like he'd originally planned.

He let out a hum of acknowledgement at her words, unable to form any of his own. For once, he didn't know what to say. Just how to listen. One of his hands rested on her hip, his fingers tracing random patters into her skin. Stars, hearts, triangles. Lines and curves that couldn't be classified as anything other than random.

"Sorry," Phoenix finally said. He was sorry for so many things. Not being there. The fact that she had to deal with that. The fact that it ever happened in the first place. None of it was his fault, obviously, but he was still sorry that it happened. "It sucks. A lot. But you're here. And I... I'm glad."

Jeanz closed her eyes as a silence fell over them. It wasn't uncomfortable, it was never uncomfortable with Phoenix.

Her eyes fluttered closed as her arm shifted, laying over his arms, just like that night on the roof, just no alcohol. An actual smile came to her lips as she listened to that. Phoenix was happy she was here. "Thank ye, Nix," she murmured, shifting her head to press a kiss to his arm.

She wasn't just thanking him for being there right now. She was thanking him for wanting to be around her, for being gentle with her, but never treating her like she was made of glass.

Phoenix pressed his face against Jeanz’s back, letting his eyes close. He could feel that he’d exhausted all his words for the night, his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth again. He was okay with it this time, though. He said what he needed to.

The kiss against his arm was rewarded with one pressed against Jeanz’s back. The hand on her hip stilled and moved over her stomach, tucking under her other side and holding her close.

He managed to mumble out something that sounded like “sleep.” Kind of. It was more just a jumble of noise, but the intent was clear enough. Probably.

Phoenix wouldn’t sleep until Jeanz did. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. He was there to protect her. Always. It was why he was closest to the door, why his back was the first that someone would see if they walked in. He’d already made up his mind, even if he couldn’t put that decision into words.

Feel like one. Also my instincts are right what's goin' on with ya

Lazarus boops Phoenix with his other hand

He snaps his teeth at Laz’s hand, trying to bite the finger that boops him. He comes up unsuccessful.

“There is nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. See, I’m talking and everything. Chatty as ever.”

He was rambling. Which was normally a bad sign unless he was excited.

Uh huh. So want t' tell me what's happening or do ya want me t' call yer brother?

Lazarus for good measure just wobbled him a little, for enrichment

Phoenix’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, only scowling a little at the wobbling. It was kind of fun, but he’d never admit that.

“Don’t you dare— Cedric does NOT need to be involved in this. He deals with my issues enough. Everyone does.”

Only making me want t' call him more lad. And no one's "dealing" with yer issues. We hang around and help cause we want to and care.

Lazarus maintained the wobbling if only cause it was somewhat amusing to do

Phoenix lets out a small noise of frustration and glared at Laz. He wanted to say something else, but he knew that any kind of self deprecation would just be getting a call to his brother.

“Will you just put me down? I can’t think when you’re shaking me like I owe you money, just vaguely gentler.”

(OPEN RP)

It had been a couple days since the resident happy redhead had left on her mission. Jeanz was due back today. However, no one was prepared for how she returned. How...unlike herself she would be.

She was told it would be simple, fly out to the location, go in and rescue a captive, young girl around 19. Jeanz didn't realize that it would be the same place. That she would be thrust back into that horrifying month ordeal.

Jeanz had boarded the helo like usual, greeting Nikolai who in turn greeted her, although with a bit of hesitancy. He knew where he was flying her. She was on the mission by herself, because it was supposed to be quick, in and out, take out anyone who was in her way.

She mentally went over what she had to do as they flew, everything in her freezing as she saw where they were flying. A small gasp left her lips as she stared down at that familiar building. The one where she had been tortured. The one where she had let all the rage consume her. Had killed over 20 men when she got free. She hadn't been back since she escaped. Had barely even thought of the place since then, knowing it could trigger her. Her eyes were wide as Nikolai landed, knowing she was about to go back to one of the worst places in her life.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Three days later, Jeanz returned to base. Her mission successful. Jeanz, however, was different. Nikolai hadn't been able to get a word out of her on the trip back.

She didn't speak, just sat in the helo, her face devoid of emotions. When they landed, she got out without another word, making her way inside. She was bruised, her uniform torn in some places. Covered in dirt, her usual happy hazel eyes were empty and dead. Jeanz had some new scratches and cuts on her face and the rest of her body. Soldiers welcomed her back, expecting the normal smile and happy greeting. There was none. She would turn her head and look at who greeted her, but she didn't say anything, almost staring through them.

She made her way through the halls, heading to her room. Her head was heavy, stuck in a loop of her torture at the place she had just come back from. Stuck on the girl she had rescued. Stuck on the blood that had dried on her face, hands and uniform.

Her body was exhausted and her mind haunted. She wasn't Jeanz anymore. She was a shell. Just barely existing, barely there. Even if someone bumped into her, it was as if Jeanz didn't process it, didn't respond to it, didn't care.

She didn't fucking care about anything right now. A brief flash of wishing she hadn't come back from the mission flashing through her mind. She didn't deserve to leave that place twice. Didn't deserve to be walking through these halls. Didn't deserve anything she had right now. She should have died the first time she was in that bunker. She shouldn't have made it out alive and scarred. Marred for the rest of her life, made into this ugly thing. She shouldn't have been there or here.

Phoenix had taken to sleeping in Jeanz’s bed since she was gone. Laz had taken him back to base when the artifice had to start working again, but without Jeanz there to entertain him, there was nothing for Phoenix to do but lay there all day. He could have bothered Garrison, sure, but it would be hard to talk to him since he didn’t know sign language and Phoenix could only write so much.

The second that the door opened, Phoenix sat up and was trying to get his eyes to adjust. Laz had checked on him a couple times to make sure that he was eating, but this silhouette was too short to be Laz.

Phoenix kicked the blankets off and went over, pulling Jeanz into a tight hug before he was 100% sure that it was her. He paused when he felt the dried blood, concern filling his eyes as he checked her over for any injuries. He looped an arm around her waist and started to herd her towards her bathroom to clean her up and get her changed into something comfortable and not stained with drying blood.

Jeanz made it to her room, still just existing, the dark thoughts bouncing around in her head. She shouldn't be standing in front of her door. Shouldn't be standing at all. She shouldn't be here. Opening her door, she certainly didn't expect to be rushed, but she made no move to get out of the way, just staring forward. Then there were arms around her, a familiar scent hitting her. Phoenix. He was in her room. He was out of the ward.

Jeanz wanted to be excited, give him a kiss or something. But, she just...couldn't. She couldn't feel any emotions, her mind still stuck on her own torture, of being in that bunker again. She didn't say anything as Phoenix pulled back and looked her over.

Then she was being moved, tugged towards the bathroom. Her body was slumped and she wasn't carrying herself like she usually did. She barely blinked as Phoenix began cleaning the dried blood off of her skin.

Phoenix could tell that something was wrong. Obviously the blood wasn’t normal, but Phoenix could look past that. It wasn’t Jeanz’s, as far as he could tell. No, something happened to Jeanz, and Phoenix was ever so slightly concerned. A normal amount of concerned. Really concerned. He was really concerned.

He wanted to try and talk to her, but whenever he opened his mouth there was still nothing. He just sighed and finished wiping up the blood. Normally, he’d want to get her into the shower, but he could tell that she needed rest.

Phoenix took her back into her room and started to, ever so carefully, strip her of her uniform. He debated asking her what she wanted to wear, but decided against it at the last second. Skin on skin contact was good, right?

Jeanz still hadn't said anything, she had barely even acknowledged Phoenix as he cleaned the blood off of her. He shouldn't be doing this. Treating her with such care. She didn't deserve it. Shouldn't let him keep helping her.

But, she couldn't move, couldn't break out of the loop going through her head. She could almost feel the knife on her face again. Oh, she was moving again, back in her room.

As Phoenix started taking off her uniform she tried to move to help him, but the most movement she made was a twitch of her fingers. He was being so careful with her. He shouldn't be. She shouldn't let him. She didn't deserve it.

Phoenix stared at Jeanz for a second after her uniform was off. He didn’t stare at her body or at her scars. He stared her in the eye, wanting her to realize that he was looking at her. Not her scars, not whatever had happened. Her.

He guided her over to the bed and gently laid her down, pulling the blankets up and over her before climbing in himself. He laid flat on his back so she could rest her head on his chest.

With one hand, he started to untangle her braid, gently scratching at her scalp while his other hand held one of hers. He wanted to speak so badly, to say something to help, but all he could manage was a quiet humming and tracing her palm.

T. A. L. K. T. O. M. E. ?

Jeanz just stood there, staring straight ahead, not really seeing her own room, still stuck in her mental loop. However, when Phoenix moved so he was the only thing in her sights, she finally blinked, as if coming back to the present for a moment. Then it was gone. She laid down as he guided her to the bed, letting Phoenix pull her close to him, her head laying on his chest. Even stuck in her mental loop of her own torture, she felt the familiar feeling of safety falling over her, like a comforting blanket.

She slowly felt her mind coming back to the present, but now flashes of her mission were starting to hit her. Walking those same halls, the ones she had covered in blood when she had gotten free of that damn chair. She could still feel the handcuffs around her wrists, remembered the feeling of her dislocating her own thumb to get out of them.

She could still see herself killing everyone in that bunker once again, coating the walls and herself in blood. She could still see that poor girl, in that same chair Jeanz had been held in. Jeanz was snapped out of her thoughts when Phoenix traced letters into her palm, not realizing she had started to silently cry, some tears escaping her eyes. She blinked, flipping her hand over to trace letters back into his palm.

C.A.N.T. Y.E.T.

Phoenix felt the tears soak into his shirt, the one that Laz had given him after he first got out of the psych ward, and he got even more concerned. He watched as she started to trace letters into his palm, stopping her only so he could flip over his hand and actually feel it.

When he finally got it, he just nodded and held her hand, lacing their fingers together and ducking his head down to kiss her forehead. Phoenix pulled her up a bit so that he could kiss away the tears, not minding the taste of salt on his lips.

Now that her hair was down all the way, Phoenix was okay with resting his hand on her back, gently tracing over the scars that he had a million times before. He had so many things that he wanted to tell her. So many different ways to say that he loved her and was concerned but would always be there. But, again, all that came out was the gentle hum of an unfamiliar melody.

Jeanz gave his hand a squeeze after he laced their fingers together. That sense of comfort and safety slowly pulling her out of a trauma induced state, bit by bit. Even if she didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve Phoenix's kindness.

She felt as he shifted her, her eyes blinking again as he kissed the tears off her face. When had she started crying? She couldn't remember. She knew she wasn't in the best mind state, wasn't processing things as they really happened, only processing them a few seconds after.

Settling her head back on his chest, she felt the familiar feeling of Phoenix tracing the scars on her back. She tensed up for a moment, her mind flashing back to that place, the pain she had felt. But, then Phoenix started humming and it was like that blanket of safety wrapped tighter around her.

Her body finally relaxed as she laid there with him, struggling to focus her mind on one thing. She didn't know how she was feeling, so wouldn't it be easier to just...not? Better if she had been lost back then.

She didn't know how long they had laid there with Phoenix humming. It could have been hours for all she knew, but she was starting to come back to herself, her mind clearing up as time went by.

"My mission," she whispered, staring at the wall, one of her hands gripping Phoenix's shirt, "It was...back there...back where it...happened." And she was crying again.

Phoenix didn’t mind just laying there with her. He’d done it plenty of times before when he couldn’t sleep, holding her and watching to make sure that she was still breathing. It helped calm the constant anxiety that thrummed through his veins.

When Jeanz started talking, Phoenix paused the humming and listened intently. It didn’t take a genius to understand what she had meant. He knew what happened to her, that night on the roof gave him a pretty good idea. And she had been sent back to that place. For a mission. Where she came home covered in blood.

Anger flared in his chest and he debated making his presence known to Captain Price, to wring the man out for ever approving such a mission, whether or not he knew what it meant to her. But then he heard Jeanz crying again, and he pushed the anger down.

It was too dark for sign language, so Phoenix just moved the hand on her back up to the back of her head, slowly petting her hair. He held her hand a little tighter, pulled her a little closer. His forehead rested against hers and he pressed a few kisses around her face. Words still wouldn’t come, but the humming would.

So he hummed. Muttered out easy melodies that he remembered from his nanny whenever she would try and sing him to sleep. His voice was nowhere near as good as hers was, his slightly damaged vocal cords making his voice a little scratchy, but it was something. He would give up something, anything, everything, if it meant helping Jeanz.

Jeanz was mixed between feeling too much and not feeling at all. It had been horrible, being back there again. She had to walk through the same halls she had been in before, screaming in rage as she physically tore men's necks out with her bare hands. She had done the same, but with a knife as she had made her way back to that room.

She had been able to see the blood on the walls, from back when she first was there. She could see the images of the bodies she had left behind even as they were long gone. Then she had made it to that room, the one she had been bound in, tortured in.

The girl had been tied up in the same chair that she had been in. Jeanz couldn't help but see herself in that girl, the same age she had been when she had been in that chair. It was all too much. Jeanz cried for that girl, who didn't know the horrors that had happened in that bunker aside from all the blood. She cried for herself.

She felt Phoenix hold her closer, the hand on the back of her head, and the kisses to her face. She closed her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Phoenix, of the feeling of safety that always came being around him. Hearing him start humming, she focused on that. Letting his humming relax her. Slowly calming down, her cries quieting down until they were small sniffles.

Phoenix gently carted his fingers through her hair, taking the time to detangle the small knots that had come from her braid. He was gentle, as always. Everything he did was gentle. His humming, the hand going through her hair, the hand squeezing hers. Gentle, soft. Caring. Things Phoenix never thought that he would be.

It killed him that he couldn’t say anything. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, grasping for anything. But his tongue wouldn’t move, no coherent noise would come from his vocal cords. He was a slave to his mind yet again.

No.

No, he wouldn’t be. He wouldn’t be a slave to his mind. That’s what he’d told himself back when his fear of hospitals was still fresh and he had to be pushed around in a wheelchair. He wouldn’t let his mind rob him of his voice. Not now, when Jeanz needed him.

“It’s—“ he started before getting cut off by a croak. God, he’d have to chug some water later. “—okay. It’s okay. Doin’— good. So good.” It was small. Easy words. But to Phoenix, it was a hurdle crossed. It wouldn’t get easier, the next few hurdles would suck too, but he’d get into the rhythm of it until the race was over.

Jeanz closed her eyes as she focused on the gentleness Phoenix was showing her. Something she didn't think she deserved, didn't think he should give her. But, it was something she cherished, something that meant a lot to her.

She sniffled again, tilting her head to look at Phoenix's face, surprised to hear him speaking, but his words helped her calm down more. She had always enjoyed his voice, even now when she could tell it hadn't been used for a while. A small almost there smile pulled at her scarred lips. "It was horrible, bein' back there," she admitted quietly, shifting her head back to look at the wall again. "They had her in tha same room..."

Phoenix smiled a little as Jeanz looked up at him, wanting to try and put her at ease some more. He could see the almost smile, even through the darkness of the room. It was progress, just as her talking to him was progress. He’d take it and cherish it.

“Sounds bad,” he muttered, running his hands through her hair again. “‘M sorry.” Another kiss was pressed to her face.

Phoenix moved them so that he was holding her, wrapped around her back protectively. This way she didn’t have to worry about making eye contact with him. He knew how hard it could be, especially when talking about things like this.

It was like they were back on the roof, except there was no alcohol in their systems. Just the relivings of trauma. At least they had blankets.

Jeanz curled closer to Phoenix as if it was possible. The grip on his shirt stayed the same, as if it was grounding her there. Which, it was. She didn't know what it was, wasn't questioning it at this moment, but she had always felt safe around Phoenix, from the moment they had met.

"I 'aven't been there," she murmured, "Not since I had ta...do some terrible things ta get out o' there."

As Phoenix moved them, into a familiar position, her body relaxed even more, feeling safer. Just like she had before the mission. Only a few people could make her feel this way. Where she could let her entire guard down. Phoenix, Cedric, Lynx. Garrison and Lynx.

It was like the night he had found her, where she had bared her scars to someone for the first time without anything being behind it, other then someone just listening to her. It helped to talk about it.

"Tha proof was still there. O' how I escaped."

An aching sadness washed over Phoenix, wishing that he could just take away all of the pain that Jeanz must have gone through. It was horrible, not being able to just wipe it away. But he was grateful that she was there, relaxing against him, instead of suffering by herself. He was glad that he'd decided to come back with Lazarus instead of staying at the apartment like he'd originally planned.

He let out a hum of acknowledgement at her words, unable to form any of his own. For once, he didn't know what to say. Just how to listen. One of his hands rested on her hip, his fingers tracing random patters into her skin. Stars, hearts, triangles. Lines and curves that couldn't be classified as anything other than random.

"Sorry," Phoenix finally said. He was sorry for so many things. Not being there. The fact that she had to deal with that. The fact that it ever happened in the first place. None of it was his fault, obviously, but he was still sorry that it happened. "It sucks. A lot. But you're here. And I... I'm glad."

Feel like one. Also my instincts are right what's goin' on with ya

Lazarus boops Phoenix with his other hand

He snaps his teeth at Laz’s hand, trying to bite the finger that boops him. He comes up unsuccessful.

“There is nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. See, I’m talking and everything. Chatty as ever.”

He was rambling. Which was normally a bad sign unless he was excited.

Uh huh. So want t' tell me what's happening or do ya want me t' call yer brother?

Lazarus for good measure just wobbled him a little, for enrichment

Phoenix’s eyes widen and he shakes his head, only scowling a little at the wobbling. It was kind of fun, but he’d never admit that.

“Don’t you dare— Cedric does NOT need to be involved in this. He deals with my issues enough. Everyone does.”

Ooo I’ll take it

I..what...no! None o' us need it.

…but I want it :(

...Want a kiss instead?

………………….

…maybe

........... .....I mean if ye dun want ta one.....

NO

I mean— I—

Ahem.

…I would like a kiss please

*Snorts*

Tha's what I thought... *Pulls him in for kiss*

*melts into the kiss with a smile, wrapping his arms around her shoulders*

Feel like one. Also my instincts are right what's goin' on with ya

Lazarus boops Phoenix with his other hand

He snaps his teeth at Laz’s hand, trying to bite the finger that boops him. He comes up unsuccessful.

“There is nothing wrong with me. I’m perfectly fine. See, I’m talking and everything. Chatty as ever.”

He was rambling. Which was normally a bad sign unless he was excited.

Ooo I’ll take it

I..what...no! None o' us need it.

…but I want it :(

...Want a kiss instead?

………………….

…maybe

........... .....I mean if ye dun want ta one.....

NO

I mean— I—

Ahem.

…I would like a kiss please

Ooo I’ll take it

I..what...no! None o' us need it.

…but I want it :(

...Want a kiss instead?

………………….

…maybe

Ooo I’ll take it

I..what...no! None o' us need it.

…but I want it :(

Ooo I’ll take it

(OPEN RP)

It had been a couple days since the resident happy redhead had left on her mission. Jeanz was due back today. However, no one was prepared for how she returned. How...unlike herself she would be.

She was told it would be simple, fly out to the location, go in and rescue a captive, young girl around 19. Jeanz didn't realize that it would be the same place. That she would be thrust back into that horrifying month ordeal.

Jeanz had boarded the helo like usual, greeting Nikolai who in turn greeted her, although with a bit of hesitancy. He knew where he was flying her. She was on the mission by herself, because it was supposed to be quick, in and out, take out anyone who was in her way.

She mentally went over what she had to do as they flew, everything in her freezing as she saw where they were flying. A small gasp left her lips as she stared down at that familiar building. The one where she had been tortured. The one where she had let all the rage consume her. Had killed over 20 men when she got free. She hadn't been back since she escaped. Had barely even thought of the place since then, knowing it could trigger her. Her eyes were wide as Nikolai landed, knowing she was about to go back to one of the worst places in her life.

~~~~~~~~~~~ Three days later, Jeanz returned to base. Her mission successful. Jeanz, however, was different. Nikolai hadn't been able to get a word out of her on the trip back.

She didn't speak, just sat in the helo, her face devoid of emotions. When they landed, she got out without another word, making her way inside. She was bruised, her uniform torn in some places. Covered in dirt, her usual happy hazel eyes were empty and dead. Jeanz had some new scratches and cuts on her face and the rest of her body. Soldiers welcomed her back, expecting the normal smile and happy greeting. There was none. She would turn her head and look at who greeted her, but she didn't say anything, almost staring through them.

She made her way through the halls, heading to her room. Her head was heavy, stuck in a loop of her torture at the place she had just come back from. Stuck on the girl she had rescued. Stuck on the blood that had dried on her face, hands and uniform.

Her body was exhausted and her mind haunted. She wasn't Jeanz anymore. She was a shell. Just barely existing, barely there. Even if someone bumped into her, it was as if Jeanz didn't process it, didn't respond to it, didn't care.

She didn't fucking care about anything right now. A brief flash of wishing she hadn't come back from the mission flashing through her mind. She didn't deserve to leave that place twice. Didn't deserve to be walking through these halls. Didn't deserve anything she had right now. She should have died the first time she was in that bunker. She shouldn't have made it out alive and scarred. Marred for the rest of her life, made into this ugly thing. She shouldn't have been there or here.

Phoenix had taken to sleeping in Jeanz’s bed since she was gone. Laz had taken him back to base when the artifice had to start working again, but without Jeanz there to entertain him, there was nothing for Phoenix to do but lay there all day. He could have bothered Garrison, sure, but it would be hard to talk to him since he didn’t know sign language and Phoenix could only write so much.

The second that the door opened, Phoenix sat up and was trying to get his eyes to adjust. Laz had checked on him a couple times to make sure that he was eating, but this silhouette was too short to be Laz.

Phoenix kicked the blankets off and went over, pulling Jeanz into a tight hug before he was 100% sure that it was her. He paused when he felt the dried blood, concern filling his eyes as he checked her over for any injuries. He looped an arm around her waist and started to herd her towards her bathroom to clean her up and get her changed into something comfortable and not stained with drying blood.

Jeanz made it to her room, still just existing, the dark thoughts bouncing around in her head. She shouldn't be standing in front of her door. Shouldn't be standing at all. She shouldn't be here. Opening her door, she certainly didn't expect to be rushed, but she made no move to get out of the way, just staring forward. Then there were arms around her, a familiar scent hitting her. Phoenix. He was in her room. He was out of the ward.

Jeanz wanted to be excited, give him a kiss or something. But, she just...couldn't. She couldn't feel any emotions, her mind still stuck on her own torture, of being in that bunker again. She didn't say anything as Phoenix pulled back and looked her over.

Then she was being moved, tugged towards the bathroom. Her body was slumped and she wasn't carrying herself like she usually did. She barely blinked as Phoenix began cleaning the dried blood off of her skin.

Phoenix could tell that something was wrong. Obviously the blood wasn’t normal, but Phoenix could look past that. It wasn’t Jeanz’s, as far as he could tell. No, something happened to Jeanz, and Phoenix was ever so slightly concerned. A normal amount of concerned. Really concerned. He was really concerned.

He wanted to try and talk to her, but whenever he opened his mouth there was still nothing. He just sighed and finished wiping up the blood. Normally, he’d want to get her into the shower, but he could tell that she needed rest.

Phoenix took her back into her room and started to, ever so carefully, strip her of her uniform. He debated asking her what she wanted to wear, but decided against it at the last second. Skin on skin contact was good, right?

Jeanz still hadn't said anything, she had barely even acknowledged Phoenix as he cleaned the blood off of her. He shouldn't be doing this. Treating her with such care. She didn't deserve it. Shouldn't let him keep helping her.

But, she couldn't move, couldn't break out of the loop going through her head. She could almost feel the knife on her face again. Oh, she was moving again, back in her room.

As Phoenix started taking off her uniform she tried to move to help him, but the most movement she made was a twitch of her fingers. He was being so careful with her. He shouldn't be. She shouldn't let him. She didn't deserve it.

Phoenix stared at Jeanz for a second after her uniform was off. He didn’t stare at her body or at her scars. He stared her in the eye, wanting her to realize that he was looking at her. Not her scars, not whatever had happened. Her.

He guided her over to the bed and gently laid her down, pulling the blankets up and over her before climbing in himself. He laid flat on his back so she could rest her head on his chest.

With one hand, he started to untangle her braid, gently scratching at her scalp while his other hand held one of hers. He wanted to speak so badly, to say something to help, but all he could manage was a quiet humming and tracing her palm.

T. A. L. K. T. O. M. E. ?

Jeanz just stood there, staring straight ahead, not really seeing her own room, still stuck in her mental loop. However, when Phoenix moved so he was the only thing in her sights, she finally blinked, as if coming back to the present for a moment. Then it was gone. She laid down as he guided her to the bed, letting Phoenix pull her close to him, her head laying on his chest. Even stuck in her mental loop of her own torture, she felt the familiar feeling of safety falling over her, like a comforting blanket.

She slowly felt her mind coming back to the present, but now flashes of her mission were starting to hit her. Walking those same halls, the ones she had covered in blood when she had gotten free of that damn chair. She could still feel the handcuffs around her wrists, remembered the feeling of her dislocating her own thumb to get out of them.

She could still see herself killing everyone in that bunker once again, coating the walls and herself in blood. She could still see that poor girl, in that same chair Jeanz had been held in. Jeanz was snapped out of her thoughts when Phoenix traced letters into her palm, not realizing she had started to silently cry, some tears escaping her eyes. She blinked, flipping her hand over to trace letters back into his palm.

C.A.N.T. Y.E.T.

Phoenix felt the tears soak into his shirt, the one that Laz had given him after he first got out of the psych ward, and he got even more concerned. He watched as she started to trace letters into his palm, stopping her only so he could flip over his hand and actually feel it.

When he finally got it, he just nodded and held her hand, lacing their fingers together and ducking his head down to kiss her forehead. Phoenix pulled her up a bit so that he could kiss away the tears, not minding the taste of salt on his lips.

Now that her hair was down all the way, Phoenix was okay with resting his hand on her back, gently tracing over the scars that he had a million times before. He had so many things that he wanted to tell her. So many different ways to say that he loved her and was concerned but would always be there. But, again, all that came out was the gentle hum of an unfamiliar melody.

Jeanz gave his hand a squeeze after he laced their fingers together. That sense of comfort and safety slowly pulling her out of a trauma induced state, bit by bit. Even if she didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve Phoenix's kindness.

She felt as he shifted her, her eyes blinking again as he kissed the tears off her face. When had she started crying? She couldn't remember. She knew she wasn't in the best mind state, wasn't processing things as they really happened, only processing them a few seconds after.

Settling her head back on his chest, she felt the familiar feeling of Phoenix tracing the scars on her back. She tensed up for a moment, her mind flashing back to that place, the pain she had felt. But, then Phoenix started humming and it was like that blanket of safety wrapped tighter around her.

Her body finally relaxed as she laid there with him, struggling to focus her mind on one thing. She didn't know how she was feeling, so wouldn't it be easier to just...not? Better if she had been lost back then.

She didn't know how long they had laid there with Phoenix humming. It could have been hours for all she knew, but she was starting to come back to herself, her mind clearing up as time went by.

"My mission," she whispered, staring at the wall, one of her hands gripping Phoenix's shirt, "It was...back there...back where it...happened." And she was crying again.

Phoenix didn’t mind just laying there with her. He’d done it plenty of times before when he couldn’t sleep, holding her and watching to make sure that she was still breathing. It helped calm the constant anxiety that thrummed through his veins.

When Jeanz started talking, Phoenix paused the humming and listened intently. It didn’t take a genius to understand what she had meant. He knew what happened to her, that night on the roof gave him a pretty good idea. And she had been sent back to that place. For a mission. Where she came home covered in blood.

Anger flared in his chest and he debated making his presence known to Captain Price, to wring the man out for ever approving such a mission, whether or not he knew what it meant to her. But then he heard Jeanz crying again, and he pushed the anger down.

It was too dark for sign language, so Phoenix just moved the hand on her back up to the back of her head, slowly petting her hair. He held her hand a little tighter, pulled her a little closer. His forehead rested against hers and he pressed a few kisses around her face. Words still wouldn’t come, but the humming would.

So he hummed. Muttered out easy melodies that he remembered from his nanny whenever she would try and sing him to sleep. His voice was nowhere near as good as hers was, his slightly damaged vocal cords making his voice a little scratchy, but it was something. He would give up something, anything, everything, if it meant helping Jeanz.

Jeanz was mixed between feeling too much and not feeling at all. It had been horrible, being back there again. She had to walk through the same halls she had been in before, screaming in rage as she physically tore men's necks out with her bare hands. She had done the same, but with a knife as she had made her way back to that room.

She had been able to see the blood on the walls, from back when she first was there. She could see the images of the bodies she had left behind even as they were long gone. Then she had made it to that room, the one she had been bound in, tortured in.

The girl had been tied up in the same chair that she had been in. Jeanz couldn't help but see herself in that girl, the same age she had been when she had been in that chair. It was all too much. Jeanz cried for that girl, who didn't know the horrors that had happened in that bunker aside from all the blood. She cried for herself.

She felt Phoenix hold her closer, the hand on the back of her head, and the kisses to her face. She closed her eyes, focusing on the feeling of Phoenix, of the feeling of safety that always came being around him. Hearing him start humming, she focused on that. Letting his humming relax her. Slowly calming down, her cries quieting down until they were small sniffles.

Phoenix gently carted his fingers through her hair, taking the time to detangle the small knots that had come from her braid. He was gentle, as always. Everything he did was gentle. His humming, the hand going through her hair, the hand squeezing hers. Gentle, soft. Caring. Things Phoenix never thought that he would be.

It killed him that he couldn’t say anything. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish out of water, grasping for anything. But his tongue wouldn’t move, no coherent noise would come from his vocal cords. He was a slave to his mind yet again.

No.

No, he wouldn’t be. He wouldn’t be a slave to his mind. That’s what he’d told himself back when his fear of hospitals was still fresh and he had to be pushed around in a wheelchair. He wouldn’t let his mind rob him of his voice. Not now, when Jeanz needed him.

“It’s—“ he started before getting cut off by a croak. God, he’d have to chug some water later. “—okay. It’s okay. Doin’— good. So good.” It was small. Easy words. But to Phoenix, it was a hurdle crossed. It wouldn’t get easier, the next few hurdles would suck too, but he’d get into the rhythm of it until the race was over.

Jeanz closed her eyes as she focused on the gentleness Phoenix was showing her. Something she didn't think she deserved, didn't think he should give her. But, it was something she cherished, something that meant a lot to her.

She sniffled again, tilting her head to look at Phoenix's face, surprised to hear him speaking, but his words helped her calm down more. She had always enjoyed his voice, even now when she could tell it hadn't been used for a while. A small almost there smile pulled at her scarred lips. "It was horrible, bein' back there," she admitted quietly, shifting her head back to look at the wall again. "They had her in tha same room..."

Phoenix smiled a little as Jeanz looked up at him, wanting to try and put her at ease some more. He could see the almost smile, even through the darkness of the room. It was progress, just as her talking to him was progress. He’d take it and cherish it.

“Sounds bad,” he muttered, running his hands through her hair again. “‘M sorry.” Another kiss was pressed to her face.

Phoenix moved them so that he was holding her, wrapped around her back protectively. This way she didn’t have to worry about making eye contact with him. He knew how hard it could be, especially when talking about things like this.

It was like they were back on the roof, except there was no alcohol in their systems. Just the relivings of trauma. At least they had blankets.