Permanent Hiatus..?
Hello all. This is probably my final post on this account.
You all deserve an explanation, so I'll give it to you here.
I have exhausted every last resource I possibly can to keep my finances in order. Unfortunately, I have two Hail Mary's left, and neither one of them look like they're going to be working out. I have called 211, and now, I am going to see if I can donate plasma for cash on Monday. It's probably going to be denied because of my health issues, and therefore I won't get any money. The 211 will also probably be denied, because there are others in my state (of North Carolina) that have lost everything to Helene, and all resources are (rightfully) going to them.
So? I have nothing left. There's nothing I can sell, and there's no way for me to get my medicine or feed my dog until my paycheck comes in, which will be held back because the first is always held back. I won't be able to pay my bills, or file my taxes because of my lack of money. If my car insurance lapses, I won't be able to have a valid license. If that happens, I can't work.
If I can't work, well, my boyfriend can't support me and my dog. We'll have to move back. However with the job market the way it is, I will not be able to get a job back at my grandparents either.
I now probably won't be able to go to college anymore since the department of education has been fully dissolved. So, possibly no more FASFA, and even if it's still around, it will either be left unattended with no employees to approve or deny the papers, or the government will dissolve it too.
All this to say, this is it. I'm at the end of the road, and there's nothing I can do. Either these Hail Mary's work, and I'm saved, or the very real possibility they don't, and what next is just suffering. There's nothing I can do, and nothing y'all can do. I can't fight my body, my mind and the government.
So, no. I'm not going to kill myself. I've come too far to do that bullshit now.
But is this a permanent goodbye to Tumblr and this amazing community?
I've been trying to juggle expectations and the reality of my young adult life so far. Balance having fun and going to work, while trying to find a balance with my health. Now? There's quite literally nothing.
I've spent about 5 hours in the worst panic attack a person could experience, only for my emotions to go totally numb these past three hours. I'm crying, but there's no emotion. I'm smiling, with no emotion. There's nothing but a husk at the moment, and that terrifies me.
What it means, I have no clue. Could be a horrible panic attack or something worse. I don't know and I don't care at the moment.
But I do want to tell you all that whatever hardships you're facing in your life right now? That shit isn't your fault. Most of this was decided by old bastards centuries ago, and they left us in this dying system who is only fueling itself by our agony. That's a shared trait everyone in the world has. Whether you're an American, African, Arab, Asian, European, Slavic, Hispanic or Indigenous person.
Our pain is caused by people who profit from it. They won't ever stop until everyone rises against them. But that won't happen until the majority of humans are being negatively affected.
So, make community. Live fast, Love Hard, and Laugh Long. Triple L's. As for me, I'm going to cocoon myself and make the last years I have of my life count, because unfortunately, I will probably be one of the first deaths when the system starts to really crash down... And with how it's heading, my mortality is a ticking clock.
Thank you for everyone I've interacted with. Thank you for everyone who has sent me love, hate or just questions. Thank you to everyone who has made me feel the most miserable to the person that made me feel the most alive. Thank you to my friends, thank you to my community, and thank you for listening to all my rambles, my upset chatter, and me argue and fuss and fight and claw my way to where I am, thank you for seeing the kind nature in me and not ruining it and thank you for nurturing the love and respect I have for every one of you to new extremes.
This is Cassie, playing Phillip Graves, signing off permanently as of Saturday, March 22, 2025.
