i will always see you

each curve on your body to be fawned over

every movement admired

all efforts you make are to be worth the time, noticed and adored

each word you speak, heard until understood

every instance you need me, i will provide all of myself to you

all insecurities that arise, explained away

you are always seen with me

-s.s

sometimes, while i’m picking up the pieces of myself, our memories creep out of my mouth and roll off my tongue into a harrowing cry.

your actions disposed many instances of your distaste for me. many reasons but none that elucidated why.

one by one, you all follow. i guess i get it but it’s a hard reality to swallow. my best friend, my shoulder to cry on, my voice of reason, my own blood. i’m hurt but i won’t wallow.

i am at my lowest with no one on my side, it sounds pathetic but i swear i tried. criticized for isolating myself but i tried to be open, i tried to be loud, put everything aside including my pride.

i hate that loneliness is so familiar. i hate that i expect it, is that a little peculiar? expectations of permanence have never been mine. i know they all leave. if they don’t, it’s only a matter of time.

full of words i want to say. apologies, confessions of love, explanations but my mouth won’t let them see the light of day. i don’t want pity or to make anyone feel guilty. writing is the only way i can show you the love that fills me.

s.s.

i try not to shed a tear when i see your face, right now i really need some space. all of our memories turn to ashes, all of our hurt turns into passion.

nothing i ever did could’ve quenched your thirst. i’m not your type i get it, but it still hurts. so stupid to think you ever looked at me that way…that’s my fault for living in a fairytale every day.

maybe somewhere, in a multi-verse..you could’ve put me first. you’d be the hero that saves the city. you’d come to my rescue and call me pretty. i imagine it like the books, word for word. isn’t that fucking absurd?

hopeless romantic, constantly seeing things that aren’t there. looking for signs, i seem frantic. in my head i see lilac clouds, carrying transparent memories of red cheeks, locked fingers and promises vowed.

but that’s not reality, you’re not who i made you out to be, so i gave in and called it neutrality.

s.s.

it’s been so long since i’ve seen the me that my family misses, you reminded me of life’s little blisses. and your smile is all that i can think about, what a fucking shame i can’t see it now.

i just lay in bed wide awake at night, not even the pills will blur my eyes. you were more than just a loving touch, you were someone i couldn’t see enough.

don’t really know what i look like lately, just like dracula my reflection is hazy. haven’t had the guts to stare myself in the face, i’m so scared of what my eyes will say.

god can you reverse my ears, cause now his voice is all i hear.

can’t stand the site of myself in my view, i don’t want to see me without you.

god can’t take away these tears or all the thoughts that i now fear.

can’t stand the site of my phone in my view, i’m just hoping your call would come through.

everything is a mirror of you. everything is a mirror of you.

-s.s.

sat at our favorite cafe, the air was cold. hoping you just might walk through the door but i know that story is old. can't help wishing i was in a fairytale, that little girl in me still notices every detail.

your favorite color is pink, you don't have any yet but you'd love some ink. done some things in your past that should've put you in jail. personality is big but on the inside your heart is frail.

when you’re around my heart sinks just knowing i’ll probably never hear what you think. maybe you’d like the way my hair falls when i just wake up? or the way my face lights up at the site of a small pup.

i hate that i have such unrealistic dreams of love. i hate that i’m naive, but i want the shoe that fits like a glove. i still believe in tales of old, that not all that glitters is sliver and gold.

over and over my story repeats. they enter my life, i fall head over heels into the concrete. they let me in more and more, spilling small insecurities, stories and hopes for me to adore. i stand right on the edge of letting them know, that i’d rather die than to let them go. like clockwork they slowly fade out of my life, never knowing that pain cut like a knife.

Sappy Scarab

my problem is i’m really starting to like you, i know the percentage of you feeling same isn’t high though. can’t tell you that i like you so i’m starting to spite you.

s.s.

so sweet it hurts 🥺

too much love to give, society won’t forgive.

i fall in love everyday but not with pretty faces. with kindness and sweet smiles, with red cheeks and impulsive dials.

losing myself in those i love, there’s nothing i’d put above. god’s quite the comic you see, you’ll laugh at the irony. because he made me jealous, he made me selfish.

no control over my heart, i wish i had some because this world wants to tear my feelings apart. but that first kiss is pure bliss, there’s no way i could resist. her laugh is art. his touch is a new start.

i’ve never felt like i belong, this world isn’t made for people like me. i try to be okay with who i am but i’m not very strong.

the ones i fall for, likely will never be mine because that is not apart of society’s design. longing is my twin, you’ll never find one without the other. i look at myself in the mirror and i see me, smothered.

my mind is filled with vines and daisies. all my lover’s soft words and praises. it’s magical and inviting, soft grass floors and sunset lighting. although i don’t fit in, i know my purpose is to give. i’ll carry on day by day and see who the wind brings my way. if one day they are to find me, i’d hope they’d stay.

Sappy Scarab

speechless when i see your face. i want you but you’re far away. we’re not on the same page and figuring this out will be hard to gauge.

it may not be ideal, but let’s try anyway?

normal has never been for me. and i have a feeling if i asked that you’d agree. i love you but you’re just not sure and actually doing this might be premature.

it may not be ideal, but i’m yours anyway.

Sappy Scarab

yellow is the color that i see when you're around. bewildered by the comfort in you that i've found. your smile is parallel to hostile. it backs me into a wall, i go stone cold pale. it's still one thing i'd gladly let knock me down.

nothing comes close to the sweetness of catching your eyes. quickly looking away hoping you'd not realize. now i know the reason why they call that feeling 'butterflies'. alone at night, your phantom fingertips slide up my thighs.

yellow is the tension i feel when you walk in. the kind that leaves too much room to imagine the feel of your skin. you said you don't know where your life is going, your mind's lost at sea. well if you're gonna be lost, can it be in me?

unsure of the best way to let you know where i want your lips to go. or that i'd thank you if your hands touched me slow. still want my legs wrapped around your hips, let the pressure make my eyes go full eclipse.

too forward has always been my downfall. been called desperate so many times i can't account it all. remorseful isn't something i feel, i know what i want and that's just me being real. this time i'm too scared to ask if you feel the same, if my heart broke again i'd have no one else to blame.

Sappy Scarab

i could sit here thinking of all the times i didn't hear from you, and how you never show up now. or i could stay here, with the thoughts my mind allow. i never have heartbreak or sweat on my brow.

because in my mind you come back, you'd never leave me helpless. in my mind you pick up where i lack, you'd fight for our success.

so i'll do what i know how and not let a bad thought slip out.

i still see the quick glances and feel slight brushes of your hand. nervous laughs only we can understand. rather feel that first hug, not the side one but when you held me snug. something about the first kiss that i can never resist. that's where i live and the directions, to no one i'd ever give.

because what is life, without the romanticizing of your smile or desperately waiting for the next time i get sit with you awhile.

so i'll do what i know how and you can keep your version of reality now.

Sappy Scarab