what are you talking about snape totally said this

albus: do severus and i keep secrets from each other? i mean… nothing big! i feel that honesty is the most important thing in any relationship.

*cut to snape*

snape: i’m literally sitting in this office because of a secret he kept.

minerva: i love watching severus when I'm having a bad day because no matter what kind of day I'm having, severus is having a worse one.

lupin: it's really easy to say nice things to people. watch. severus, you are, uh... deep down, i suspect you're a lovely and kind person

snape: thanks

lupin:

snape:

lupin: uh, now you're supposed to say something nice back

snape: i already said thanks

harry: *finally breaks down from the stress and confusion*

severus, awkwardly patting him: would it kill you to be a little more specific for once in our chaotic lives?

albus: ...

albus: ...

albus: -so, um, you care for the boy, don't you severus?

snape: it's dark in here

dumbledore: don't worry, i've got this

dumbledore: *stomps his feet*

dumbledore: *skechers light up*

(source: scatterpatter's incorrect quote generator)

dumbledore: sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail.

snape: no, it was my fault. i shouldn't have used my one phone call to play a prank on minerva.

mcgonagall: harry is missing, can you find him?

snape: what, do you think i have him microchipped or something?

mcgonagall: well, do you?

snape:

snape: yeah, hang on.

*snape and sirius stuck in a cave after going on a secret mission together*

snape: great. just great. planned on saving the world and now i’m stuck with an idiot in leather.

sirius: yeah? well at least your brother isn’t going to die.

snape: at least you’re not going to die with your father thinking you’re a joke.

sirius: your dad thinks you’re a joke? my dad thinks i’m a joke, too.

snape: …oh, really? well… you’re dads RIGHT.

snape, texting dumbledore: *sends a voice message*

dumbledore, texting back: i’m kind of busy. is it urgent?

snape: no, don't worry, just listen later,

*later*

dumbledore: *presses play*

snape’s voice message: THERE'S A FIRE AT THE CAST-

harry: oh, here's my award for the most rules broken!

hermione: that’s not an award, it's an angry letter from snape.

harry, hanging it on the wall: well, it has the word 'most’ in it, so i’m calling it an award.

lucius: if i let anything happen to severus, i wouldn't be able to live with myself

lucius: of course i wouldn't have to, because narcissa would kill me

lucius: but still.

snape: caffeine no longer keeps me awake while i work, so instead i have minerva periodically send me texts saying "we need to talk"

snape: it gives me the right about of adrenaline and fear to keep going.

snape: albus, remember when you said you weren't going to interfere with my love life?

dumbledore: no, that doesn't sound like me at all.

7 year old harry: oh, remus? sev said he has a crush on you.

remus: …did he now

snape: he misunderstood. i said i was going to crush you.

voldemort: oh, and i should probably mention that i’m filling the basement with dead goblins, so keep an eye out.

snape: …what?

voldemort: well, i need an army of the dead to protect something, and not just any dead people will do.