two.
Emotional residue is running deep.
Unlearning [Sunday Solitude Free Write]
Unlearning is one of the most challenging things. it is hard. it is messy. it is scary. because part of unlearning is having to admit many truths. it's having to acknowledge and become aware - that so much of what we were told, taught, what we learnt, what we grew to believe is 'norma', is 'ok' is not. unlearning requires endless self talk and self reminder. it also requires great self reflection. I am on this journey of unlearning and i've realized that this journey is one that never ends - because unlearning never ends. I will remain dedicated to this journey.
unlearning for
- my well being
- the well being of others
- self love
- self-healing
- happier me
- mental/emotional health
- physically health
- spiritual health
- a softer heart
- freeness and liberation
Sunday Afternoon Solitude Thoughts
- there are moments, there are times, that my heart feels heavy, so heavy that just breathing hurts.
- i’m reminding myself constantly to find the softness again within myself. somewhere along the line I’ve allowed the cruelty of this world to suck me dry and make me hard.
- i want to be whole again. not whole like before, but a whole new whole. a wholeness i’ve created for myself. MY voice. MY identity. MY morals, values, passion, purpose.
- i’m learning that no matter how much work you’re doing on yourself, you will always be at a standstill if you don’t change your environment, when its toxic and unhealthy. unfortunately the luxury to just up and leave isn’t there. how do you work through it?
- i want so much for myself. and in order to achieve that i have to walk away from things and people that don’t honour or support that.
- sometimes you have to sacrifice. its inevitable.
- but its worth it.
- there are days where the little things fill my heart up with the most joy
- there are times i find myself smiling without reason. in that moment i’m reminded that there’s so much to be grateful for.
- loneliness often finds me, or maybe i go seeking it, afraid to be vulnerable with others, so loneliness becomes my comfort.
- over the last year i’ve totally isolated myself from those i was once closest to. it’s a painful truth and i have no clue how to change this.
- i still long for the love and support from blood family, but i’m slowly accepting that it will never come and i need to be okay with that.
- i have ‘chosen family’ and they are the greatest
Love Unconditional - Freewrite [Sunday Solitude]
And it's OK if you don't smile today. I love you. I'm gonna keep loving you. On the days you smile, the days you cry, the days you do both. On the days you sit in pity, the days you're not so sure of life, the days your spirit is on 100. Imma love you unconditional. I love you for you. All of you. I will not pick and choose parts of you to love because I want to love all that is you, that makes you whole. So it's OK. Take off your mask. Let your shoulders down. Be you. You are safe here with me.
Sunday Solitude - Freewrite (part of the closure)
They say 'don't let fear get in the way of loving' But I know what it's like. What it's like to have someone pretend so well, so perfectly well. To say all the right things, do all the right things, make you feel good. How can someone who never really loved you for you make you feel good? Was it I who was blinded by the need to be loved, the desire to be wanted, accepted so bad that I ignored the truth? When I say they pretended so well... It's scary. They say 'don't let fear of being hurt get in the way of loving' I've been loved before by someone who did all the 'right' things. Said all the 'right' things. I was loved by someone who told me they cared, at a time I was most vulnerable. And alone. A time where I literally had no one and nothing. They continued to remind me of this. And that they were different. Told me they would always be there. Told me they do what they do out of love. And this was part of the territory. I was loved by someone who told me every day how much they needed me and valued our friendship. How they couldn't live without me. They became dependent. I felt I owed it to them to always be around. I was scared to leave. They knew they had a grip on my mental. They knew that at this point I was in too deep. And in many ways desperate. I came to them with some of the most delicate matters of my heart and you know what they did, they used it against me. That took my vulnerability and manipulated me, controlled me with it.
You know, when you're deep in a relationship, whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship, when you are always in it, no time apart, you don't realize the little things that are warning signs. Things like put downs that they mask as jokes. Things like threatening suicide anytime you express how you feel or become upset. Silent treatments. Not being able to freely express yourself. Not being allowed to disagree. Tabs on where you are disguised as ‘I’m just seeing if you’re ok’. These are just some things that I experienced. In the moment they felt like minor things. Harmless things. It took me stepping away from the relationship to realize the ways that these were behaviors used to control me. So when I try to remind myself not to let the fear of being hurt again stop me from receiving love, I remember how perfect people can be at pretending. How they can use their love to destroy, control, manipulate. And then I also remind myself of this one particular painful relationship, and how even through the pain and hurt and anger, I learnt valuable lessons. I mean, there are things I can take away from this. Going into future relationships I’m aware of these little warning signs. I’m more trusting of my inner intuition and allowing it to guide me. Attending to that little voice inside when something doesn’t ‘feel good’. Creating healthy boundaries and knowing that it’s ok to set them.
So letting fear not get in the way of me loving. Difficult. Impossible? Not a chance. Because to not allow people to love me means I’m also not allowing myself to love others. And I have so much love to give.
Sunday Solitude - Freewrite
i hold my breath i bite my tongue i beat myself over and over again for holding feelings towards people long gone for allowing them power to, time and time again, bother my spirit take me to a place of discomfort, pain & hurt remember letting what they did still bother me, affect me. its as if I'm creating homes for them to live within me when I should be letting go so why does it feel like I'm still holding on?
- thoughts on the train ride
- people say ‘you’re so strong’. truth is I look at them with envy because I feel weak compared to their strength.
- I love art. it’s always been a lifeline of mine. my survival. my best friend. my release. it’s been there in my darkest moments, proudest times, and loneliest of days.
- i don’t write because its something fun to do in my spare time. i write to survive. its the words my silence speak.
- no matter how hard i try the words never come out. i’m best when its me and my pen.
- truth is i feel alone. i feel lonely i’m not lonely because there’s always people wanting to be around me. but i’m scared. of what, i don’t know. so many times i make excuses. somewhere in the isolation, i feel comfort. but also loneliness.
- unlearning has got to be one the hardest things to do. its about unpacking. finding a new way. silencing the voices that told you every bitter lie that stays on your tongue and digested in your soul.
- i over-think. it will be my demise.
- i am content. i haven’t felt it in a while though. i don’t know if sadness would be accurate. tho i feel somewhat sad. there’s something my soul is telling me i need to attend to, but i keep avoiding it. its making my heart feel heavy.
- life is a beautiful thing. have you ever just stopped on a beautiful day in nature and just stood still within the silence. so much beauty around. so much joy in the little things.
- i’m forever grateful for my blessings. for my resilience. for the ways the that the universe unfolds, always having my back, even when i doubt, even when i question. the universe always has my back
Sunday Solitude - a letter (part of the closure)
I lost myself loving you, and I lost myself receiving your love. At a time I was most vulnerable, alone, in my darkest place, you took me in. Things were good. No things were great. Our friendship started out great. Somewhere down the line my vulnerability became your playground and did you ever play with me. Manipulate, control, just some of things. I blame myself for allowing me to stay so long, in the name of love. I had to admit to myself that I was in a friendship that was toxic, unhealthy, and this was signs that this relationship had run its course. Saying goodbye was the hardest decision I had to make, but what was even harder was watching myself, my true being, what was left of me, being withered away, only to be good enough for you… a goal I knew I could never achieve. I let you go because it’s best for me and best for you. I am grateful for the good moments, and the things you’ve done for me. I am thankful for the ugly moments, years later they have taught and continue to teach me lessons in compassion, empathy, love and self-worth. My wish for you is to find peace within yourself.
11pm Freewrite
Sometimes we lose ourselves loving another. Sometimes we lose ourselves in search of love. We shed the truth of who we are, replaced by the things they want us to be. We become different characters in hopes of being enough for them. But truth is it’s never enough. And it never will be. And just when you’ve perfected one characteristic, they show up reminding you that it’s not good enough and you’re back at it again, molding yourself anew, dishonoring yourself, for a love you’ll never be worthy of, in their eyes that is. But no one ever told you that this is the love you don’t want. No one ever told you that this is the kind of love that is toxic and poison and unhealthy. That chasing this love and the people giving it will eventually result in you losing yourself. Becoming unrecognizable. No one ever told you that love is something you never have to beg for, change for, dishonor yourself for. Because your whole life this is the way you knew love. By begging and becoming something you’re not. Love was never given freely. At seven years old love was given at the cost of your innocence. And ever since then the only love you could remember came at a price. No one told you this was wrong. Sometimes we lose ourselves loving another. Sometimes we lose ourselves in search of love…
self reminders/note to self
- its ok to cry. cry without shame. cry without judgement. cry without an agenda if you wish. crying is a cleanse, a release, a form of healing.
- be tender, be gentle, be kind to yourself, you are the most important thing in your life.
- self-love, never compromise, never settle, at the cost of your self-love.
- self-love… never feel guilty. it’s selfless not selfish.
- so much joy in the little things. never become too busy that it passes you by
- do the things that warm your heart and bring your soul joy
- self care days are just as productive as work filled days. taking care of yourself is never a waste of time
- we can be something to someone, but we can’t be everything to everyone. that is OK
- once you’re good to you, you can be good to others. take care of yourself.
- when things are going great, don’t doubt it. it’s not too good to be true. just enjoy the moment, however long it lasts.
- trust the universe. & trust that where you are right now is where you need to be
- the answers don ‘t always become clear right when we want it, but it becomes clear just in time
- you are loved, you are valued, you matter
- play your favorite kind of music and let loose!
- books are my best friend. you can never have too much.
Sunday Solitude Freewriting
- I’m learning to be still within my own silence. That silence however uncomfortable it can be at times, is necessary. Embrace the silence.
- I’m working on being comfortable with myself. No distractions. No noise. Just spending time alone.
- I’m trusting the process
- Reminding myself that change is a process. Progress however big or small, is something to be proud of
April 23
Three years ago today I said goodbye to a friendship of 8 years. One of the hardest yet best decisions I could have made. this day is always difficult for me. I find myself reflecting on those 8 years. The good, bad & ugly. I realized today, I never gave myself the gift of closure. 2 really let go & set it free. I dedicated 2day to do this.
Seeking closure... the first of many letters