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The Creature's Cookbook

@simonalkenmayer / simonalkenmayer.tumblr.com

Welcome. You may call me Simon or Simone, and I do not have any specific pronouns. I am the author of the Creature's Cookbook novel series, but more importantly, I'm a very old anthropophagic cryptid, or "people eating monster". Yes, a real one. No, not a clever performance art piece or a plea for attention. My books are classified as fiction, but that is entirely the point. I eat humans and I write about it, and for some reason, people find it amusing and don't take me seriously. Probably because you're not quite right in the head. Please read the FAQ before asking me questions, as I hate to repeat myself.
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Pinned

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I’m leaving tumblr I’ve decided.

I see no purpose in staying here, nor does it give me any meaningful information anymore. I thank you for whatever kindness you’ve shown me. I’m afraid I see it as all rather like being in a zoo objectified for entertainment.

So, humans, good bye. I’m sure some of you will be glad to be rid of me. Charming.

I will hold this place, to keep the name from being misused, but I will no longer be checking the inbox. Nor will I even have the app on my phone. You’re too childish and toxic.

So do not expect a reply from me. Apologies for inconveniencing you.

May you know yourself fully, give yourself no mercy, and aim for the next best thing. May you always be forced to accept the congratulations for all your good deeds. And may you get everything you wish for.

You deserve it.

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Anonymous asked:

hello! i noticed you posted a bitmoji on instagram, and i was wondering if you would be willing to share your snapchat? :)

I never had one. And I shall not now have one either.

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bowtothepal asked:

Hello Simon(e),

You may have been asked this before but I didn't see it in the faq. You've had the very unique experience of living through many different ages, cultures, and language evolutions. That being said I was wondering if there was any particular turn of phrase that you came across that isn't used today/doesn't have a modern equivalent but you personally feel should make a come back? I know I sent an ask a few years back and I'll be mortified if I'm asking you the exact same question, if that is the case please don't feel obligated to respond as I clearly learned nothing the first time. Otherwise hope you're well.

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See my tag Simon teaches old words

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Anonymous asked:

Hi Simon,

I just wanted to say hi and see how you've been feeling and how Bo is?

Thank you

Bo walks almost normal again, though he cannot easily do stairs and allows me to carry him around like a football

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Anonymous asked:

Hi Simon,

I've been listening to a man named Nathan Reynolds (yes Reynolds wrap family) talk about the London Bride being moved to Lake Havasu. Nathan is saying this is for ritual purposes. That people especially children have been ritually sacrificed and buried within the bridge. In this area and places like Colorado Springs a lot of occult rituals and military training happen. That there is genetic tampering as well as bloodline shape shifters that are either of a lycanthropic or vampiric nature.

I'm wondering if this has possibly been a part of your experience? As in genetic modification and possible clandestine operations pertaining to something akin to project pegasus or Montauk.

Thank you

Complete nonsense. The bridge in lake Havasu is not the original bridge. It was built much later. My bridge was dismantled to put it in place.

There were no such “sacrifices”

The ancient Roman bridge may have had foundations with such nonsense, as the bridge was planted within ancient Londinium. Population goes back to the Neolithic.

Rich people frequently lose touch with reality.

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Anonymous asked:

Hey it's been awhile, I think I called myself grief anon? Well I'm not dead

I'm actually doing better

I got into a prestigious art college, I have a job I love with friends I enjoy, I got my first raise, I got in contact with my family in Texas, I'm trans now (he/him) and I'm on better meds. I'm doing better, and i wanted to tell you cuz I remember that the last time i sent an ask was a rough time, and it's not perfect, but I'm okay and I'm happy.

And what did I tell you?

Give it time and it does change, as all things do. Continue to make space for that grief, because it will hit you when you are least expecting it. And that is alright.

You’re still alive. You’re the standard bearer now. You’ll do fine. Just keep going and aiming for better.

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Anonymous asked:

i just found out about something called “Project 2025” a plan for if trump wins the election… it’s fucking terrifying and i’ve never been more scared to be a lgbtq+ woman in america before. i’m on the brink of tears just thinking about it and i don’t know how not to spiral… any advice?

Yes, I have been watching that.

It is a plan for any conservative admin to use, courtesy of a number of conservative groups. Trump would likely not do it all but he’d make a start and that’s bad enough.

Put all your work into blasting Trump and supporting Biden. The way the polls, predictions, and modeling seems to be going, as long as we all vote as we say, it will be alright

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l-resonant-l asked:

The worst shoe

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Surely that’s unfinished in some way? Helps bells I should go back to cobbling. I’d be better than that, though out of practice.looks like they fell asleep half way through

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Everyone…I promise you the debate will not and does not matter. Stop running around as if your hair were on fire. I promise

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If you’ve ever wondered about the stereotype of a medieval town cryer who is drunk? Perhaps stumbling about?

The town cryer was also called the wine cryer.

He was the wine vintage inspector at any tavern, which were wine houses. Wine was regulated heavily.

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Reblogged
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Anonymous asked:

My bad

Mistere Du Seige D'Orleans.

Or some such title

simonalkenmayer answered:

Are you talking about the false Jeanne? That entire situation was bizarre. It wasn’t her, but looked damn like her.. it was not her.  I saw them both The false Joan also had a very different wave behaving. she was far more crass and outspoken, while the real Joan was purposeful and soft-spoken. Different voices too.

Guilles was simply a madman.

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@simonalkenmayer The show was talking about a play that Guilles would put on repeatedly. That after every play, he order brand new outfits for the next one. It also stated he sold a lot of land to fund this play (which they were claiming in this show at least) seemed to be a type of homage or occult ritual to Joan.

I mean, it was a pretty low budget occult documentary, and that says a lot lol.

It just seemed kinda weird because from my understanding, Guilles acted like Joan's friend, then let her get burned alive, only to pay tribute to her repeatedly in this weird play. Do you know what I'm talking about?

The false Jeanne. That must've been strange. I'd like to hear about that too. There seem to be a lot of imposters in the world, but if you're sensitive enough, you can tell the difference.

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Play? No. Ritual yes. He had a false alchemist and I got in the way of his contouring.

He infuriated me. The whole group. It’s in my story

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Reblogged
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Eighty years since I missed a chance to kill Hitler.

Live through enough of these cycles of human nonsense and you’ll get bored of it quick. That I promise.

Difficult to give a damn about anything these days

Your short memories makes for much repetition

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It worth knowing that we had an election during WWII and the principle opponent to FDR spoke of the war much as MAGA does about Ukraine. FDR was also losing. Then Pearl Harbor happened.

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Eighty years since I missed a chance to kill Hitler.

Live through enough of these cycles of human nonsense and you’ll get bored of it quick. That I promise.

Difficult to give a damn about anything these days

Your short memories makes for much repetition

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Today is an historic day. I’ve seen many. Guilty on all 34 counts.

Now let’s watch his behavior spiral

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Anonymous asked:

Do you know any languages other than English?

See the FAQ. It’s detailed and organized.

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Anonymous asked:

Has a follower / fan of yours ever met you post knowing about your work / blogs?

Yes

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Anonymous asked:

Hey Simon! It’s been a while I’ve been following you, and I was wondering if you’d have any advice. You seem a pretty knowledgeable fellow.

Do you know of any tips/tricks for being homeless? I’ve only been homeless with my father before so this will be the first time as an adult that I don’t have a home.

With the economy and job market the way it is I have fallen on some pretty hard times. My cousin only snagged a position that essentially has him fill gaps in the schedule. Don’t even get me started with the unemployment process! Lord that thing moves slower than molasses in December! None of our family is willing to help either, burnt bridges both ways I’m afraid.

It’s just my cousin and I against the world right now and let me tell you the world has some fierce hands 😅

Any advice would be appreciated.

Difficult to advise without knowledge of your experiences or resources to hand.

First, call your congressman.

I’m not joking. Dead serious. Call them and ask them the above question. Tell them all about your excellent employability and how strange it is that you can’t find work or a home given your imminent employability. Ask if they know of f any free showers to use, places to obtain potable water while living out doors etc. I’m serious. Do it. I promise you’ll have a reply. Their entire job is MEANT TO BE interfacing with the needs of constituents and they have an entire dedicated staff for this purpose. You may find the problem does have a solution, and that solution is someone else’s ambition. They want your vote. Make sure they know they can purchase it.

Second, come DM me, and I may be able to give you more targeted advice. You should not have to be homeless and it’s disgusting that in the supposed “best nation” you do. When in every other developed nation such would be insane.

I mean it. Call your congressman. Ask what they plan to do about their constituents choosing to live rough. See what happens.

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