Hi I’m a piece of shit welcome to my blog

fuck it, reblog to give the person you rb'ed this from a freshly baked buttery croissant.

the student said, "i'm reading a zen buddhist cookbook. with no recipes." and the teacher replied, "ah, dogen's instructions for the cook, written in 1237?" "yeah," said the student, "it's saying not to let rats fall into the rice pot"

letting rats fall into the rice pot violates the buddhist concept of nonviolence, ahimsa. and this is one of the more dauntingly advanced cookbooks i've ever seen

ingredients: 1 grain of dust.

step 1 turn the Wheel of Reality within the grain of dust

Relevant XKCD: https://xkcd.com/2609/

theres ALWAYS a relevant XKCD for everything huh

Idk why but i find this funny even tho i need context

Have you ever looked closely at a car windshield?

The edge of the glass is painted where it is glued to the car but it has these small dots between the clear and painted glass.

These are there for a reason. When the sun hits the glass the painted areas and the clear areas will absorb heat at different rates. This causes the glass to expand and contract differently putting stress on the glass.

These dots help the glass to warm up more evenly over a larger area so the glass does not suffer stress that could cause it to spontaneously explode.

Fun fact: the Tesla cybertruck doesn’t have these.

Yes, the glass will spontaneously crack or explode in the sun.

the emotion i just experienced is kind of indescribable

the funniest part of this post to me is that the reblog:like ratio is nearly 1:1. nobody’s just liking everyone who sees this video goes yeah i gotta inflict it on as many people as possible

I'm learning about war and military recently. Did you know the governments of the world are studying how to make huge machines to kill each other with? And we're "each other". Anyway the machines are pretty crazy though some of these go hard

They've devised ways to explode me from hundreds of miles without even thinking about it. Thankfully no ones trying to explode me right now cause I'd be in huge trouble.

ICBMs are old news. That's a missile that's a rocket that they fire into space and it goes around the earth and it has a nuke on it and it comes back down and kills you. They've got nuclear subs that's a submarine underwater with a nuclear power plant on it so it can stay underwater for months and launches missiles with nukes on them that come out of the water anywhere in the world from the submarine and kill you. They've got aircraft carriers that's a boat with an airport on it and the boat is also powered by a nuclear power plant on the boat so it can stay at sea for twenty years and it's full of airplanes that are launched from the boat with a catapult that fly to where you are and launch a missile to kill you. They've got planes that go faster than the speed of sound and in the plane is a rocket which is a missile which launches from the plane and detects its target with infrared and navigates towards the target and has a bomb which explodes and kills you. The missile also goes faster than sound because the plane was already faster than sound and the missile can destroy a target from how far away? Probably hundreds of feet right? No it's hundreds of kilometers. It goes around the curvature of the earth and homes in on you and explodes and kills you. They've got planes that are whole planes they weigh like multiple tons and they go faster than sound and due to their stealth they look smaller than a marble on radar. They look like a square inch on radar so you can't see them coming so they show up undetected and launch a missile which is a rocket which finds you and kills you. They've got bombers which also look like a marble on radar and fly at the edge of space and carry a bomb which is a nuke which they drop and kill you. Each of these machines costs like 100 million dollars to build and ten thousand dollars per hour of operations out of your the tax payers of the worlds pocket and requires a team of guys with tens years of training and top secret knowledge who give sign up to themselves brain permanent damage by flying at too many Gs or live at the bottom of the ocean for months so that the powerful governments of the world can be 100% sure that they could kill you immediately all the time wherever you are. It's great to be this kind of chimpanzee I wonder what things would be like if we were a type of ant.

any computer people wanna explain how the hell this works

it wont let me do shit bc i apparently have 81 gigs of apps clogging my c drive, but my largest app is 0.4gb?????? its not system applications either because system is its own segment of storage. wadda hell are you talking about

guys i installed a program to show me exactly where the data is hidden and i think i found it and youre never gonna believe it

todd howard im fucking coming for you

"thank you random microsoft customer support agent" we all say in unison

Here's your friendly neighborhood trans girl programer to tell you WinDirStat is a free open source alternative and you don't have to sign in to the annoying microsoft app store!

hte real april foule… was you.

for thinkjghing I did not care abou you.

my friende.

The point of officially naming a pet is not to actually use that name but to have a baseline from which to come up with every conceivable nickname to call them instead.

You bury a seed not because it looks nice in the dirt, but because the limbs that branch out will look nice in the sky

Congrats on contributing to the ancient tumblr tradition of turning shitposts into profound poetry

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Drongrats on drontributing to the drancient drumblr dradition of drurning dritposts into drofound droetry

This is the best possible way to discover the existence of niche gimmick blogs

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Watching my toddler figure out how to language is fascinating. Yesterday we were stumped when he kept insisting there was a “Lego winner” behind his bookshelf - it turned out to be a little Lego trophy cup. Not knowing the word for “trophy”, he’d extrapolated a word for “thing you can win”. And then, just now, he held up his empty milk container and said, “Mummy? It’s not rubbish. It’s allowed to be a bottle.” - meaning, effectively, “I want this. Don’t throw it away.” But to an adult ear, there’s something quite lovely about “it’s allowed to be a bottle,” as if we’re acknowledging that the object is entitled to keep its title even in the absence of the original function.

Another good post to read for those writing small human characters. 

My son was about three when he came to me in the middle of the day and said, “Mommy, there’s a knight behind the bush.” I thought he meant a toy knight or something. So I follow him outside and he goes, “Listen. Do you hear it? It’s night behind the bush.” It was a cricket. A cricket was standing in the little patch of shade under the bush, chirping. So, my son saw this dark area with accompanying nighttime sounds and decided, okay, well, that is a night right there. Their brains are incredible.

My little bean knows she’s two, constantly saying proudly ‘I’m two!’ And the other day she saw this very frail old lady who looked one foot in the grave, pulled a face and said ‘oh shiiiit. She’s three.’ I almost screamed.

I live in Korea and have a lot of international friends, and the same is true with language barriers in adults. 

*Looking at a bowl of pears* “Can you please pass me the… apple’s friend?” 

OH SHIT SHE’S THREE

fuck it homebrew boop button. reblog this post to boop the person you reblogged from.

what if instead of having a fake name for internet personal-life purposes we could have a fake name for professional work-life purposes

fantasy culture where you have a different name for every role in your life and a true name that is extremely secret

you don't get to know all of me

it's tuesday you only get to know sara

you understand me to my soul

Honestly all the notes on this have been so good, here's a few of my favorites

my toddler is 3 years old and wont eat anything other than fine porterhouse steaks and sweet port wine

you need to discipline your child. port is a horrible choice for the main course and wildly clashes with a rich béarnaise.

dude hes three….

And uncultured. Get a new child

Women want one thing and it's quite obvious, A large affordable interconnected North American Rail Network