when I say "being loved is a skill" I don't mean that:
- you have to work to make yourself loveable
- you have to be a certain way to deserve love
- any other bullshit that might imply that traumatised people are unloveable
what I mean is:
- trusting someone else is a skill
- it's especially hard to trust that someone else actually loves you after you've had experiences of people pretending to do so
- expecting cruelty is a skill that needs to be unlearned, and that can be a long and difficult process
- seeing yourself as someone who is capable of being loved can be a radical shift that takes a lot of effort
- when you grow up feeling unloveable, it's easy to be suspicious of anyone who treats you the way you should've been treated the entire time, and this can cause you to reject them before they have the chance to reject you. learning when suspicion is and isn't warranted is a skill
people loved me before I learnt the skill that is "being loved". it's just that my instincts all tell me to react in ways that are counterintuitive to the overall project of loving and being loved. it takes work to sort through these instincts and it takes work to let people into my life, and it takes a whole range of various skills to make that happen. none of that is my fault. and it's unfair that it's become my responsibility to do that work. but I'm not alone in the work and I hope you're not either