A collection of my Asa Emory headcanons
[PART 3!!]: How he is (how Asa's doing mentally/ how that affects him)
Next part: What the fuck is wrong with him ( why is Asa this way/ his past )
Next next part: Asa and friends :) (Asa & his collection lmao )
Even next-er part: Toxic yaoi!!! ( Asa's relationship with Arkin )
RULE OF THUMB: Asa is autistic, idk why, he's just is to me.
---*Cracks Asa's skull open and look inside with a microscope* / How Asa is doing mentally--
- Autistic, but undiagnosed.
I think he already *knows* he's autistic. So he didn't see a purpose in going to a professional just to get the same results. Also having the diagnosis in his goverment information might put him in a disadvantage- whenever he wants to find a new job, or get medical treatment.
Also he def doesn't want people to infantialize him.
--
- Emotionally stunted.
Asa doesn't process his traumas well.
Idk apparently witnessing ur entire family gets murdered by your mildly-abusive dad fucks you up or something
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- Anger.
Idk how to tell you guys this but to me.. TO ME... Asa is this big ball of repressed anger and rage and pent up energy that is just BEGGING to be let out.
But Asa is like "oh im so sophisticated and calm" that he fails to realize all that rage has transformed into something else entirely. It's all that anger coming out in the guise of "self-expression" and combined with his fucked up perception of Art (the Collection)
And I think that's part of why Asa enjoys what he does so much.
He's like a kettle with freshly boiled water. He may looks cool and clean and well put together, but if you lay a finger on that steel surface you're gonna instinctively recoil. And if you decided to put your finger into the water you're gonna get 3rd degree burns.
Because of it, Asa gonna crash out so hard.. all that anger being poured out all at once onto the cold floor. Not knowing that the only reason why it stays hot for so long is bc they were trapped inside the kettle and- around each other. Once they're all splattered on the floor, they cool down pretty fast. The first few moments of the spillage are gonna be disastrous, you better not be in the splatzone, but then it's gonna end up with Asa on the floor sobbing but not knowing why he's crying.
--
- In denial over his problems.
Asa simply convinces himself that he's "over" his traumas. He "got over" it. He's "not dwelling" on it anymore. And that he's "perfectly fine" (Note: he isn't)
Ah yes, trauma can fuck a person up very badly- Asa read. But nooo he's different, he's not like *other* people. His trauma barely affects him at all <3
Asa just refuses to acknowledge that his traumas have affected him in ways he never realized. By suppressing them, their effects on him just slowly gets worse and worse and worse.... And Asa tries to rationalize them by other means: logic, mental gymnastics,... whatever. He's not being emotional and *weak* over it like *other people* ahahaha-
But when things slows down, and he lets the thoughts of what he has been through walk around in his mind, I do think Asa does feel something that is... uncomfortable. He can't keep them in a bottle forever and he knows it. Unfortunately Asa doesn't know that they're even in a bottle. It is made of glass anyway.
--
- Insecure about his image, his hobbies, his domesticity
Asa is a fucking loser in my mind. He's such a loser oh my godddd he fucks up ordering takeouts through the phone like 3 times in a row. he falls flat on his face when he wears non-grip socks on wooden floors. And Asa fucking knows it.
His Collection and the shit he does at the hotel is like a power trip to him- Yes Asa is meticulous, careful, strict and mysterious and cold and uptight and all that.... but those traits are as much part of Asa's personality as they are apart of his fabricated image. They are real, of course, but he only loves them so much because of what they can do for him. Asa isn't particularly favorful of other aspects of his personality however...
Asa knows that: outside of his Collector hobbies, he's boring as fuck. He lives like an old man that yells at the kids to get off his lawn. He barely attends any events in his neighborhood; Even when he does, he just says hi to the host so they'd know he atteneded, then he goes home. Any fuckass events that don't cater to his interests, Asa only goes there to show some face.
If he can, he'd go to bed at 9pm and content with eating the same meals every day. It's almost like he's unsure if people would like him when he's not *the image the built for himself*. To a point that it feels shameful to do the domestic things he likes in the privacy of his own home. He loves being domestic and watch bad TV shows while eating dinner on his couch; what were supposed to be super mundane and normal things people enjoy, feel like guilty pleasures to him to an extent.
He's so insecure about his image (hence why he tries so hard to keep one that he *thinks* is him) blah blah blah... toxic masculinity, repression, depression, lack of a support system.
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- Identifies as his killer persona and puts it as more important than other aspects of himself.
See reasoning above.
--
- In conflict with what he wants in life. Which leads to frustration, which adds more water to the boiling kettle.
I think Asa embraces the worst of himself while reluctantly includes the other aspects, but refuses to let go of any of them. He can't bring himself to accept both, yet he desires both goals: His collection, and the dreams his domestic-self strive for.
Theoretically, he can achive both with some lies and deceit. But risking someone he holds dear & a fairly normal life, to a part of himself he can't seperate from is daunting. And risking his collection because he let his other personal life interfere is also very upsetting.
He can't have his cake and eat it too.
But be real, the fact that his Collection exists is already proof enough the he chose, and is/ was committed to his killer persona. And now he's having second-thoughts years into the commitment. The grass is always greener on the other side. He can't keep working on his Collection forever, it's either gonna be exposed someday or doomed to obscurity, known by no one but himself. Maybe that's enough for Asa. Maybe the collection is Art for No one. But once it is done, what's left? He had already sacrificed so much to build it, and he'll be spending the rest of his life doing maintenance for it. In order to have his collection complete, is to sacrifice those other parts of himself that he still clings to. And vice versa. It's hard to let go of something you've put so much effort into.
It's hard to let go of something that could've been if you chose differently. And it's even harder to accept that because of your decision, what could've been is now impossible to achieve.
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- Expressing needs and wants is a reason to be embarassed over apparently.
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- Needs help but doesn't want help. (Self explanatory)
--
- This is who he is. He let this happen. He deserves what he deserves. And nothing can change him nor is it worth "saving" him at all. Because he is both the best and the worst. He is the best when his Collection exists. And he is the worst when his Collection *exists*. And when it is gone, he remains the best because he's the reason it exists, and he's also the worst because he allowed it to exist. He made the decision to have this brain-child, and he must take responsibility for its existence. He loves what he is, and hates it at the same time.
--
Conclusion: Asa isn't doing very good.
SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG. I GOT DISTRACTED WITH OTHER PROJECT LMAOAOAOAOA- Next part should be fun though :3c
