my body is against me and so is my head and so is my heart and whatever is left is the only thing that's on my side

i want to cut my heart out clean

in a way it's very sad that i just don't have dreams other than nightmares. it's not that i have nightmares every night, i rarely remember my dreams actually, but each time that i do, they're bad

tonight i dreamt that i went to my long dead grandmother's apartment and butchered a group of strangers inside with a chainsaw. i hardly remember the process itself, i only saw flashes, like in a movie, like it wasn't really me doing it, but i remember feeling so serene afterwards, i laid on my grandmother's bed in bliss until i saw someone stand over me on the bed and swing that chainsaw at me. first i assumed they were joking, i laughed and told them it wasn't funny anymore, but then realized they weren't, i kept repeating "stop, it's not funny anymore," but i remember the pain of my teeth being ripped out as they pushed it into my open mouth, how it went through the base of my skull smoothly like through butter, i could swear i felt the dull buzz in my brain for a second. i can't recall who it was exactly but i remember a deep sense of betrayal when they did it. really, you, of all people? you would do this to me? nevermind that i fully deserved it, even in my dreams i can't deal with the consequences of my actions

but what do you do with a woman who does not love you

holy fuck

"i have to go, i have to go." everybody has to go. where the fuck does everybody go when they have to go, huh?

no love is like any other love