this is sfw, i promise

Tasteful bulge? Yeah I would like a taste f- [I am interrupted by the sound of a dry twig snapping. This is impossible, as I am in the infinite linoleum bathroom dimension for this joke.]

in honor of the new tomodachi life announcement here's a dream i had last year

via @swatercolor [insta]

This is the best tag I've ever received on a post, I think

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it has to end eventually right

*aborted little brother voice* it would be my turn on the xbox...if i existed...

imagine you were getting jumped in chicago and someone said "take his ass to the bean"

Fun thing about football right now is that there's a move called the "brotherly shove" that the Eagles do when they're very close to scoring, where the whole team puts their hands on the ass of the guy with the ball and physically propels him over the line into the endzone for the touchdown, and all the other teams' fans hate it because it's got such a ridiculously high rate of success for the Eagles and doesn't really seem to work for any other team. People are straight-up calling for this move to be banned, claiming it's "unstoppable" and gives an "unfair advantage" but it really and truly is a skill issue. The whole league hates this move because it only makes the Eagles win more often and nobody else can figure out how to do it right

Other teams are so afraid of it that they panic and do some wacky looney tunes shit to try and stop it. The refs had to come out on the field and tell the bad guys to stop doing this

because it's blatantly against the rules of football, and that if they tried it a fourth time in a row that they would just straight-up grant a free touchdown to the Eagles

don't look! he's ass

proof that i'm a transmutation wizard, actually

did anyone else really want to get flattened by a bulletentain board like Flat Stanley when they were a kid because that part where he could like get a ring that his mom dropped in a sewer grate and you thought maybe if you were flat like Flat Stanley you could just collect gems and trinkets from sewer grates and never have to work and live a life of leisure off your shiny sewer items.

i just realized this is funny every month of the year actually

this is the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen jesus fucking christ

I'm scared

There is a photographer in our town that works for a local news feed just for our town (which I'm 90% sure is volunteer run) and I see him sometimes at things. He usually covers the town halls, school board meetings, he was taking photos at Juneteenth last year. Basically he's everywhere and I'm also everywhere, so we cross paths often.

But he also does a thing called 'My Final Photo,' which is just random day to day stuff happening in town that he thinks is cool enough to snap a photo of. Like... ongoing construction of the new buildings, when the crocuses come out, a bird landing on a lamppost. Stuff like that. He's a really talented photographer.

The Final Photo for yesterday was kind of awesome but I don't think he knows how much the caption contributed:

Because that is both

a. sick as hell

b. perfect encapsulation of the childhood experience.

WHACKA FROM PAPER MARIO