thank you for reading
September 27 2023
[edited so i can post here] prose
listened to Jinx then beach lifeindeath
my mood instantly gets worse when at school. it sucks
creative endeavors also get me down. it sucks even more
my data is out until the 30th, i'm on 2g right now. using my school provided chromebook to still watch videos while i eat
it's 8:23 … pe starts at 830. i don't like this class. i gotta dress out
skipped breakfast im so damn hungry
i don't know how anything is gonna work out, that should be exciting
i don't know if i wanna be with them. we'll see what happens . part of me is worried it'll completely ruin me. if they ditch me then it'll just be a taste of my own medicine anyway ,can't say i wouldn't deserve that
i have survived a lot worse shit though so maybe it'll be fine
i'm crazy. and things are beautifully chaotic
songwriting makes the most magical things ever ever ever but its impossible to do. that makes sense actually. it should be difficult to make something magical don't know why i never thought of that
the better something is the harder it is to get
it's like sex
but for the mind
if them and i can't get together that's okay
September 25 2023
porse
there's so much stuff i want to say and it's just now dawning upon me that i can't just say it…i have to take lots and lots of time to make what i'm saying well articulated and actually good. my current "speak my mind then post" text is very fun to make, and does help me get what i'm thinking out there, but it's not actually good. like i wouldnt show it to someone and say "i made this!!" how cool would it be if i could just say shit lol. i like talking about myself so i'd love to write all that stuff. but to make people actually enjoy hearing me talk about myself i have to put in effort. and i don't think i've put in enough effort yet to where rants where i talk about myself are particularly fun to read
also in regards to the "i love talking about myself comment" i think this actually applies to everyone. hence why AMAs are so popular 🐈
September 25 2023
journal
we have set a deadline for big plans. what exactly that means yet i'm not sure. i need to put some weight on this date. it's very easy to say i'm gonna do something tomorrow … but the important part is unfortunately actually doing it. i very well could just get to that date and do nothing. so we need to put some Pressure on making that deadline something i have to abide by. i don't know how to put it but i hope that made sense. i hope if i make one big change on that day then i'll feel motivated to make tons and tons of others. Big changes will happen no matter what but i'm trying to not delay them any more there's a lot of problems i have that i simply can't control and that's okay. I think i've been okay with that for a while it's just weird to think about. i'm at this point where i have to believe that whatever is 'supposed' to happen will be what happens. I think I just have to think that. it's hard for me to remember the last time I truly said what was on my mind, but i think i just did it. It feels freeing. there's things I'm still not over that I feel I will have to learn to get over. I don't know how I'm gonna do it honestly, given how my brain has been working. It sucks. I think it'll work out. i don't think it'd be healthy to think anything other than that though. I've neglected to write, or really think about this stuff just because they make me feel terrible. eventually i will need to tackle these things. I did it a little bit at the start of this journal but that's obviously not enough
Reblogged
i told my mother that if she didn't leave my room i was going to have a panic attack, to which she responded by telling me i've never actually had a panic attack before and that i get myself worked up so i can get out of doing things. luckily though we're about to embark on a very long car ride and she's about to listen to all my favorite songs from Speedin' Bullet 2 Heaven
i have a note on my phone of all the craziest things she says to me so i can document just how much of a nut job she is
"Your school sends me emails for the dumbest things, like teen pregnancy shit" 2/19/24
"In the 90s, all you had to do to be famous was have a funny name or be a little weird, like the Butthole Surfers. But now everyone's just trying to change their gender" 2/12/24
*while yelling at me in the car* "You just need to start bringing headphones in the car so you can put them on and not hear me complain" 4/12/24
I do not like her as a person, but at least I can take some solace in sharing how hilariously crazy she is
also last reblog probably, but she told me today that if i ever did have a real panic attack that i would have reacted worse, i would have done x, and she would have had to do y to help me.
i know i'm really just preaching to the choir here as tumblr is mostly made up of people who understand the importance of mental health... BUT, telling someone they don't actually have panic attacks because they didn't panic bad enough is not a good idea!
luckily this like barely affects me because i am more used to her generally being hard to deal with, but it's still pretty crazy how she can act
Reblogged
i told my mother that if she didn't leave my room i was going to have a panic attack, to which she responded by telling me i've never actually had a panic attack before and that i get myself worked up so i can get out of doing things. luckily though we're about to embark on a very long car ride and she's about to listen to all my favorite songs from Speedin' Bullet 2 Heaven
i have a note on my phone of all the craziest things she says to me so i can document just how much of a nut job she is
"Your school sends me emails for the dumbest things, like teen pregnancy shit" 2/19/24
"In the 90s, all you had to do to be famous was have a funny name or be a little weird, like the Butthole Surfers. But now everyone's just trying to change their gender" 2/12/24
*while yelling at me in the car* "You just need to start bringing headphones in the car so you can put them on and not hear me complain" 4/12/24
I do not like her as a person, but at least I can take some solace in sharing how hilariously crazy she is
i told my mother that if she didn't leave my room i was going to have a panic attack, to which she responded by telling me i've never actually had a panic attack before and that i get myself worked up so i can get out of doing things. luckily though we're about to embark on a very long car ride and she's about to listen to all my favorite songs from Speedin' Bullet 2 Heaven
September 22 2023
prose
we are foraging away forward on the current plans. i've came to the conclusion that i will uninstall twitter if i can go one month without opening it. only reason i don't do that now is because i know i'd just reinstall it after a day there's tons and tons of things on this ever-growing list of things i know i would benefit from doing. in fact i did one of those things yesterday and i felt like a million bucks afterwards i have so many moments where i choose to spend my time doing things that aren't really fun or good at all. there's a big difference between being happy and being occupied with what you do. the stuff that's actually fun takes some amount of effort usually, which sucks, because it leads me to do the easier stuff instead. like scrolling and sleeping etc etc etc. that stuff doesn't actually make me happy. but i do it because usually when i have free time i want to do something "fun" that doesn't require effort. and i'm just now starting to realize that all of the actually fun stuff requires at least some effort
September 21 2023
life is always either the best thing ever or i want to kill myself
let me set the scene: whenever i talk with my mom, my mood instantly, world record pace, goes down to zero. i just instantly want to do nothing. ignoring what this says about her as a parent, this completely fucks with my own head. i can't avoid her obviously, she's my mom. i am grateful for how hard she works to financially support me, but emotionally she sucks. she's not just not there but actively hurts me. it sucks. most of my current bad moments are caused by her. of course there's still lots of other bad things (of course they all come in to worsen my mood right now) caused by me that hurt. but those feel less shitty. i think my mom is just a bad parent. if my kid did half the stuff with me i do with my mom, i would consider myself a failure as a parent. like if my kid was out at school but not to me! i'd feel pretty damn bad
on the other side. while i don't feel super off the walls happy when with others, i definitely feel better. way fucking better. especially with brock lol, my moods with him compared to with my mom is comically different. it's crazy. all i want is to lessen my current big problems and maybe be able to not have content be such a big weight over me. i want to be happy. i just want to be happy. fuuuuuccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
September 21 2023
the feels
Been very into In The Aeroplane Over the Sea lately, and that's all I'm gonna say…
just kidding. this album is fucking awesome. I've been doing lots of journals lately (most of which private) and this album has been a great thing to put on while I do them. I think the mood of this album fits my writes very well
September 20 2023
listened to 3 very different albums
listened to the Sonic R ost (excluding instrumentals) and it was wonderful. number one and super sonic racing were the standout songs
my Chem class was short on kids so we got a free day. listened to Madvillainy. not much to say since it was a first listen but i did enjoy the silly supervillain narrative
on the way home listened to Paper Mache Dream Balloon. it was a rainy dark day and made for a great vibe. I felt that "first day of school" feel like I was back to listening to music in freshman year. pmdb was already one of my favorites but now I just like it even more haha
yesterday i was issued an in school detention for getting a total of 9 tardies in the school year. it was me being kept in a room between my 5th-7th hours, completely silent, with nothing but my school laptop to use. needless to say, this was one of the best days i had all year
as a sidenote, school punishments are so funny to me because i just like most of them. lunch detention is eating lunch in a non-cafeteria area... believe it or not i don't enjoy eating with 200 other high schoolers anyway.
this is not even me trying to be overly defiant. these just aren't punishments
September 19 2023
pprose
at any given point i either feel extremely, extremely excited for the future. or feel like i should rack up a bunch of credit card debt then kill myself. i will do an extended post in the future about college/moving out/relationships/creative endeavors, but for now i think my thoughts can be pretty well understood with that first sentence