ToxicTM

woah clover i didnt kno u were chill like that

This was a good use of my two hours

Divorce leads children to the worst places - Shitpost Sunday #13

So, here's my initial read on Lil' Bro:

In simple terms, he's the kind of person that Rose thinks she is.

Skim Rose's conversations, and you'll get the impression of a cool-headed, impartial leader. She directs John's activities in the early Acts, 'coerces' Consorts and Sprites to do her bidding, and generally behaves as though she's in possession of all the facts, holds all the cards, and has the nerve to make the tough decisions.

All of this is false.

Rose Lalonde spends her entire session in an escalating state of barely-repressed terror. She has no idea what's happening, and spends most of her time backed completely into a corner, forced to rely on increasingly dubious sources of intel to stay abreast of events.

After her 'informants' run her around the Medium like a headless chicken, Rose finally snaps, sacrificing herself in a desperate last stand against Perfect Jack - and once her Dream Self wakes up, the first thing she tries to do is sacrifice herself again. Lalonde likes to talk a big game, but it's abundantly clear that she was never in control of the situation.

Lil' Bro, though?

This dude has robots monitoring his co-players. He's trained an AI secretary to manage his conversations, who apparently doubles as a tool to train psychological weaknesses out of his friends. He's even got an automated alert set up for Jane's own protection, and I'd bet Boondollars to donuts that Jake and Roxy have 'em too.

This guy actually is in control. He's deploying his forces, consolidating his resources and shoring up any perceived weaknesses in his allies. This is a type of Player I don't think we've ever seen before, and I'm very interested in what Sburb might have in store for him.

The closest analogue I can think of, really, is Vriska, who also captures and deploys her resources carefully. But while Vriska may take an occasional pawn, Lil' Bro is the first Player we've seen who's building an entire board.

Alright - but wouldn't 'letting it run as often as possible' mean never turning it off?

I suppose it's possible that the AR's server needs to be taken down for maintenance - but that's not an issue I ever expected us to encounter with this kind of wacky sci-fi technology. It's hard to imagine a Transportalizer needing maintenance.

Ah, so this is the real reason you're keeping him awake. I'm sure that ethics is a factor, but your primary motivation is to make your AI minion more advanced - and thus, more useful.

If I was in Bro's position, I'd be worried about the AI getting a little too advanced, and going full Skynet - but I guess he's assuming his brain clone will share his motivations. Jade made that mistake before, and it got messy.

Because you're desperately lonely, just like all the other human Players.

Before the Act started, I was fairly optimistic about Guardian Dave's ability to raise a child - but since Guardian Rose appears to have retained some of Mom's less savory traits, I have a horrible feeling that Guardian Dave might take after Bro.

These children cannot catch a break.

this is kerdly 2 me. btw

Oh, ok.

Well, that's a lot more, uh, conventional than anything I expected to see. I assume it can interface with the Auto-Responder, just like Brobot - and I also assume he's got an avatar in Roxy's vicinity, too, just so he can complete the set.

...what did you do, Jade?

What were you trying to accomplish, out here on Anachronism Island - and what could have gone so explosively wrong?

I think we're about to meet one potential culprit, at least. This seems like the perfect time to introduce the new First Guardian, and I highly doubt it's a benign one.

Loving the implication that Aurthour, the invincible humanimal lusus, was merely an infant of his species.

Just like the Juggalo he raised, this old goat isn't as harmless as we originally thought.

Yet another tyrant less an arm and an eye.

This prophecy has so many candidates, I'm starting to think it's one big red herring. Like, maybe Aradia was actually just talking about Troll Captain Hook when she said it, and it doesn't actually refer to a future event in the story.

(I mean, technically, none of Homestuck's characters have arms.)

We've got another early bird on our hands!

Once again, Bro's appearance isn't much of a reveal - he's virtually identical to the Brobot, not to mention his older self, so there's not much else to comment on. I do think his symbol is funny, though.

Hey - c'mon, man, that dude's sentient! You can't just freeze him!

Well, I suppose he might just have 'disabled' AR by logging him out of Pesterchum. I certainly hope that's what he's saying, because the alternative, basically, is that he's temporarily killed the guy.

If AR is really that much of a problem, then you probably shouldn't be using him as a secretary, and you definitely shouldn't be letting him pose as you.

Besides, if this is how you've been treating your AI clone, then it's no wonder the guy's been acting out. At least give him his own Pesterchum!

So what you're saying, basically, is that the Responder's conversation with Jake was, in fact, an accurate reflection of your own feelings. You just take issue with how he's expressing those feelings.

In other words...

...you do, in fact, have a thing for Jake.

The poor kid's up to four suitors, now. Do I hear five?

Yeah, that tends to happen when you're shitfaced.

Impulsive though it was, Roxy's clumsy reference to Jane's crush probably stemmed from a genuine desire to help her out. Crocker is lovesick, and Roxy wants it to be resolved, one way or another, so that the poor girl can stop pining already.

I still can't tell if Jake knows about Roxy's crush. If he does, then this is a pretty cruel request to make. He's basically asking her to bury her own feelings, and facilitate his relationship with someone else instead.

I have a sneaking suspicion that he is aware, actually, because he's cognizant of the fact that this conversation could interfere with Jane and Roxy's friendship.

...yeah, I'm pretty sure you know what's up, Jake English. Why else would you think that asking Jane out would bother Roxy?

...and if he didn't know before, he definitely knows now.

This kid's life is getting very complicated, very fast - and if Roxy's bringing quadrants into the mix, then things are about to get hairy.

There's also the very real possibility that Jake's not into girls at all. He might be actively crushing on Bro, instead - or, he might think he's into Jane and/or Roxy, but is actually much further up the Kinsey Scale than he's realized. Maybe he feels that he should like girls, and his obsession with blue women is more of a performance of heterosexuality than the real deal.

If anything like that is going on, Jake's most ethical move is to declare to everyone involved that he's not ready for a relationship, and won't be until he understands his feelings a little better. The issue, of course, is that everyone involved is a hormonal teenager, so we can forget all about straightforward communication. This is going to be a mess.

Does Roxy know that that's the gay setting, or...?

The sad thing is, that crab was probably friendly. After all, he was made to care for redbloods like Jake.

Shooting non-hostile entities is becoming something of a Hope Player habit. Hope as delusion seems like a better fit by the second.

Also... are all the Zodiac lusii on this island, then? Even the fucking Horrorterror?

Eye for an eye, bitch. Tavros killed a Harley, so Jake settles the score by killing a Nitram.

[ TOO LATE TO ABSCOND, BRO. ]

This one's a little more dangerous than a Dreambot, I take it.

What are the odds that this thing can also cut a meteor in two? Because frankly, I wouldn't bet against it.

Oh, god. I really don't think I'm ready to see what Bro's been cooking here.

Oh my fucking god, did Bro reanimate John's corpse?

That's amazing. It's so twisted, it loops all the way back around to being funny.

Yeah, but you're calling them imaginary, which I'm sure makes Roxy feel really good about confiding in you. You don't actually sound like you believe her at all - except in a 'blind faith' kind of way, which doesn't really mean anything.

If your belief is this indiscriminate - if you'd 'believe' anything that Roxy tells you, and she knows it - then she's not going to feel heard.

Oh, well here's something new.

Just like John, Jake's a bit of a goof - but he's not stupid. He's fully aware that Jane's got a bit of a crush, and I take it they've been dancing around the elephant in this room for quite a while.

Does he also know about Roxy's crush on him? Or, for that matter, the Auto-Responder's? I have to assume so - neither are very subtle - which means that Jake's in an awkward position where no matter what he does, he's going to hurt at least two of his friends' feelings, and he knows it.

You've thought about it, but you haven't acted on those feelings, even though you know they'd be reciprocated, so I don't think you're exactly seeing sparks. I reread their earlier conversation, and I really don't get a romantic vibe between them. (Hell, I get a stronger romantic vibe between Jane and Roxy, but I'm a little biased.)

This line, at least, makes a lot more sense now - and in retrospect, it reads as more than a little uncomfortable. Jake doesn't seem to want to bring the issue up at all...

...but the fact that he keeps vaguely drawing attention to it makes me think he wants her to bring it up. He wants to resolve it, but he's too awkward to initiate the conversation himself.

I think our boy is simply a rather poor communicator - which is unfortunate, because that trait does not pair well with his position as the kid everyone's got a crush on.

pffffft

You know what this is? This is real, genuine charisn'tma, right out of a Discworld novel. Jake is just so bizarre, with his stilted vocabulary and 'accent' that would be anachronistic in literally any time period that you can't help but enjoy his dialogue. He's likeable, in the weirdest way possible - which sort of parallels John, a guy who's likeable in a very straightforward way.

I'd understand if you were saying that to Jane - but this helmet was inherited from Jade, who should be entirely trustworthy... right?

Does Roxy know something about Grandma Jade that we don't? Something suspicious, perhaps?

If Roxy's situation is anything like Rose's, then she's living in a remote mansion in upstate New York, with a mother she feels completely alienated from, and no IRL friends to speak of.

Of course she wants to play Sburb. She's desperately lonely.

Belief without understanding, like I said before.

Maybe that's the deal with Hope, actually - it's all faith, and no logic. Eridan, who desperately sought out romantic partners with no understanding of why he failed, certainly seems to fit that mold. Hope, then, would be the Aspect of trust, belief, and, in Eridan's case, absolute delusion.

Seems that Roxy's also aware that there's something up with Jane. Well, if anyone can undo the damage the Tiaratop has done, it's probably the girl who can look at its source code.

...although, Roxy's not describing Jane's repression as if it's artificial. In other words, she thinks Jane's unwillingness to face uncomfortable truths is a real facet of her personality - and perhaps she's not entirely wrong.

Now, let's not get it twisted, here - I do still think that Jane's being brainwashed to ignore any evidence that her corporation is evil, or that her grandmother is the Condesce. But she's also ignoring other uncomfortable truths - ones that are far less supernatural.

B2 Rose - although I hate to admit this - is showing all the signs of being a neglectful and irresponsible Guardian. If Roxy has tried to open up to Jane about this, and she's summarily brushed it off, I really don't think we can chalk it all up to brainwashing. Would the Condesce really brainwash Jane into ignoring all negative information, in any context, ever? How does that benefit her?

No, this feels a lot more like Jane just doesn't want to think about... bad stuff. There's certainly precedent for that, in her family, as John's always shrugging off bad shit - and as we're seeing here, that's not always a good thing. If you're shrugging off your friends' problems in lieu of supporting them, that's not on your evil tiara. It's on you.

Well, she's working for English, who presumably wants to turn this universe into his latest dinner. So far, that's his only stated motivation, although I have reason to suspect that there's more to it than that.

If the Condesce has her own agenda, then it's probably something akin to the oft-discussed Second Alternian Empire. The woman clearly thinks very highly of herself - her name is literally the condescension - and somehow, I doubt she's content to fade into obscurity as the one-time ruler of a fallen civilization.

No, this is a woman who wants to rule. We've seen the influence she's already exerting over the Earth, and I don't think she'll be satisfied until her control is absolute.

Come to think of it, founding a new empire on Earth wouldn't even have to conflict with English's world-eating. After all, Alternia's universe was marked for destruction at his hands, and she still ruled it for millennia before the other shoe dropped. From the Earth's perspective, it could be thousands or even millions of years until the universe is destroyed - and even that doesn't need to be the end for her. English made her immortal, so there's literally nothing stopping her from starting over again, in the next universe he targets.

She could do this forever, until there are no more worlds left to subjugate. It'll just be Alternian Empires, all the way down.

Huh. Funnily enough, I think this is the first time it's been all-but officially stated that Betty Crocker is the Empress. I'd ask how Roxy is aware of this, but she's the daughter of a Seer, and a l33t haxxor to boot. She's probably more clued-in than even Jade was.

Well, if we follow where the narrative parallels lead us, the chain should be Jane -> Roxy -> Bro -> Jake. The expectation, then, is that Jane will Enter in relative safety, and the kids' meteors will slowly grow larger, culminating in a moon-sized meteor for poor Jake.

This does indeed seem to be the order they're planning. Only time will tell if it actually holds, though, as things have gone fruity-rumpus-shaped before. The trolls thought they were two different chains.

Like I said, Roxy's got plenty of potential sources of intel. Aside from her mother, her hacking abilities, and potential Dream Self shenanigans, the 'darkness' Umbra's seeing over her location implies she might also be in contact with the Horrorterrors.

This girl's got a lot of irons in a lot of fires. Hopefully she knows what she's doing.

Hell, I was oblivious to that thing in the background. I thought it was just a weird branch, or something.

I'm actually pretty sure that's a Crab lusus - which is extra interesting, because those don't occur naturally. I understand why the Condesce would be cultivating a new population of lusi for her subjects, but this lusus has no interest in any troll on the Hemospectrum.

Only a disciple of the Signless would cultivate the Crabdad, and the Condesce would probably exterminate them on sight. Someone else brought this species to Earth, for reasons unknown.

Why are you here, Crabdad?

Who have you been bred to care for?

Wiggling Day, eh?

Roxy's been talking to some trolls, I take it.

Well, we already knew she was probably in contact with Umbra, but her casual use of their lingo implies she's been talking to a lot of trolls. The same ones breeding forbidden lusi, perhaps?

Jake continues to be a funny motherfucker. It's like he's right-clicking thesaurus on every second word he types.

Sollux also got cold feet near the starting line, didn't he?

I don't know what it is, but something about Sburb makes programmers flip their entire shit. Maybe the game's source code is full of gotos, or something.

Not that Roxy isn't entirely correct in her assessment, of course. This session is rigged harder than Cat Mario, and Entering it is sure to spell disaster, but we don't really have a choice. The B2 kids need this session to exist, so that the B1 kids - currently their best hope of actually salvaging the mess that is this timeline - have a metaphysical location to shoot for.

Plus, y'know - refusing to play the game will probably just doom the timeline, as per usual.

Whoever killed Jake, I'm pretty sure I can take a guess at their motivation, and it ties back to a Murderstuck development that came completely out of left field.

This.

Eridan's wand was absurdly powerful, able to overpower Sollux's building-vaporizing psionics with little effort. We don't really know what the Hope aspect does, but it clearly translates into raw destructive power.

If Jake's abilities are in any way comparable to Eridan's, then someone's just locked the team's main damage-dealer out of the God Tier, and I have no doubt that they destroyed his Quest Slab as well. Any hope (lmao) of using Eridan's overpowered lasers for good has just evaporated before our eyes.

We don't really know what Hope is for - and now, we never will.

Harley Mansion ain't doing so well, this time around. Did Grandma Jade perish in some sort of pumpkin eruption?

Jokes aside, I've been wondering a lot about how Jade died. It can't have been a Tavros potshot, this time around - although I guess it's possible that the pre-Scratch Summoner is responsible for her death, instead.

Well, I guess that explains Jade's disappearing pumpkins. Jake's Transmaterializer is locked to the pre-Scratch Harley Mansion, so his experiments kept grabbing random objects from her house.

Come to think of it, this is probably how they became pen-pals in the first place - he accidentally stole her bunny, and then returned it later, once he'd figured...

...wait, is that what happened to Jaspers? He was accidentally stolen by adult Rose or Roxy, using a Lalonde Transmaterializer which is locked to Rose's childhood?

Yeah, I think this makes sense. I think this makes a lot of sense, actually. We've just been given an explanation for the mysterious disappearance of Jade's pumpkins - and here's another mysterious disappearance, which took place in another Player's childhood home. Jaspers was teleported through the Scratch.