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Intersexy Liberation

@trans-axolotl / trans-axolotl.tumblr.com

trans. intersex. psych survivor. pretty much always happy to answer antipsych and intersex questions. (he/him)

About

figured i should make some sort of about post.

- My name’s Elliott 

-23

-transfag, he/him, tme

-white

-disabled & sexy. wheelchair user. right now I’m thinking and blogging a lot about mad liberation.

-anarchist + prison abolitionist

-free palestine

- I’m intersex and I talk about it all the time. maybe consider reading through my intersex tag before asking questions, but I really am always happy to answer any questions about intersex stuff. you can send them here or on @intersex-support (i’m the mod and creator of that blog.) 

-I am not an expert, but I do harm reduction organizing, and anticarceral peer support. I am in a lot of abolitionist mental health/antipsych/mad pride spaces. I have lived experience as a mad person, especially with being institutionalized, experiencing psychosis, and harm reduction for self harm. Feel free to send me an ask if you need resources, advice, or support with any of those topics. I cannot promise I will answer immediately because I am not on tumblr 24/7, so I can’t realistically offer immediate crisis support, but I am absolutely willing to offer people suggestions, limited peer support, and connection to resources.

-all my posts are okay to reblog. just please be considerate about what you comment when posts are clearly intracommunity discussions

-feel free to ask me to tag something. my general trigger tagging format is (blank) tw.

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Reblogged

is there a way to turn off reblogs on an old post?? an intersex post i made from 2020 is getting reblogs again and I don't Want It passed around because the context i made it in was a very different context of intersex discussions on this website but whenever i go into the editor the option to turn off reblogs doesn't show up, it's only the old editor i don't even see the option to turn off reblogs

okay i think i'll have to private the post? that looks like the only option idk

is there a way to turn off reblogs on an old post?? an intersex post i made from 2020 is getting reblogs again and I don't Want It passed around because the context i made it in was a very different context of intersex discussions on this website but whenever i go into the editor the option to turn off reblogs doesn't show up, it's only the old editor i don't even see the option to turn off reblogs

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Reblogged

it is so incredibly unfair that inpatient psychiatrists are given the legitimacy to make sweeping judgements about our madness, twisting and shaping and classifying it into the schema that reassures their worldview when they have only ever seen us in conditions of confinement. if i am locked up, put in restraints, drugged against my will, kept from seeing the outside world for sometimes weeks at a time—my madness will respond incredibly differently to the hostile conditions of a total institution. How in the world can psychiatrists extend their analysis to make judgements about my illness/wellness/way of being in the world/way of being in my head? they have only ever seen the way I am Mad when i am surviving confinement. they have no idea what I look like when i am free.

of course i will start pacing for hours when I am locked up with nowhere to go. of course i will start screaming, and tear apart my room, and hurt myself when i am given no other options for exercising autonomy. of course i will become paranoid and start hearing things when I am under 24/7 surveillance, 15 minute checks, and cameras in every room. but every action i take is then used as evidence to fit me into a system of symptoms and diagnosis that are further used to justify my continued incarceration—it becomes an inescapable labyrinth, it becomes an irremovable cycle. every attempt to argue against their flawed interpretations just ends up as another bullet point on my medical record: "Patient lacks insight."

psychiatrists treat themselves as inherently and perfectly neutral—seeing themself not as an actor who is actively engaging and contributing to our experiences but as a removable spectator who can somehow cordon themselves off from madness (lest they catch it from us—don't you know madness is contagious?) the first confinement of psychiatry is the kind of confinement the psychiatrist does to themself: locking their emotions/perceptions/opinions behind the guise of scientific, objective neutrality. there is no psychiatry without confinement: they are bedfellows who rely on each other from the very conception of the field.

i could make a satirical joke about diagnosing psychiatrists with "Thinks They Can Be Neutral While Ignoring Their Material Conditions" disorder, but i don't want to reify their system of classifications even a little bit. What I want is to destroy the entire fucking system. it drives me crazy to watch this dynamic play out again and again and again with no recognition that putting people in conditions of confinement drastically shapes the way that we can then exist in that space.

it makes me sick—it makes me MAD.

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actually crying + shaking + losing my fucking mind at this letter that my 17 year old self hid for me in a nest of google doc folders that i found after standing up for myself to the unit psychiatrist for the first time in my life

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miscellaneous--system-deactivat

[ID: Several screenshots of white text on a black background. The text reads,

"Right now, you are learning for the first time that the world is composed of crooked parts. You've given up on a God because you fear the competition.  You're starting to realize that living is a destructive act. All you want is disassembly- someone put you together wrong and you're too tired to fix it. Everyone around you wants you to grow up, shape up, cheer up. You don't want to die- not really. There are still books to read and girls to kiss and sometimes, when you squint, you are happy. You've just grown sick of trying. Trying is starting to hurt. Since childhood, you have held your entire life by the throat. Look at your bruising neck. Look at the snapping noose. This is terribly inefficient. Some day, you're going to grow up to be a good person and a terrible patient. You will be content with being the human hurricane. You will forgive yourself for being sick. You aren't going to be Better (the hospital rhetoric, the empty promises of well-meaning acquaintances), but things will be [italics] okay [end italics]. Scars which were once violet now fade to white. You will write less poems about the moon, more about the sun. You are not an inconvenience. You are not a mission, or a burden, or a crime scene. You are a child who will one day grow up to be great and terrible things.  Past the IV drips, past the hospital beds, past the intake forms, you are a person. Don't let them take that away from you. When you are ready, pull yourself from your wreckage. Swab your dripping veins. Fall softer next time." End ID.]

last week two ambulances, a fire truck, a UN vehicle and around 16 rescue workers were dispatched to save people crushed under the rubble after a bombing in rafah (do you remember rafah? one of biden's red lines.) they disappeared, and due to israeli tanks nobody could enter the area and nobody knew what had happened to them.

a few days ago after the tanks left the vehicles were discovered crushed and buried under the sand, and one rescue worker's body was recovered. israel admitted to targeting them. and then yesterday the rest of the workers' bodies were recovered in a mass grave. one of the corpses had wire around one foot, indicating torture and interrogation, several handcuffed, all of them buried in their clearly marked uniforms and gloves.

cnn reported this story alongside like five other incidents of israel targeting humanitarian workers this past week to little outrage because the workers killed were palestinian and not international, and because israel has been regularly killing humanitarian workers.

but for the PRCS (the palestinian red crescent society), the same organization that hind rajab called desperately from her car around this time last year, one of the few that struggled to save lives throughout the war even when it got their workers killed by israeli forces, these are fathers, sons and loved ones who spent a genocide digging people out of rubble with no equipment and trying to save lives:

all of them were buried in a careless mass grave of rescue workers, found after a week of pleading from their loved ones and radio silence from their murderers and those who enable them.

dandelions are magic. literally tiny suns in the grass that turn into the moon and then the stars when you blow on them. fucking insane.

Fucking insane

holy shit

(ID: a colorful drawn comic about dandelions. The first panel shows yellow flowers and says “dandelions are magic. Literally tiny suns in the grass”. The next panel shows the puffy version of dandelions and says “that turn into the moon”. The last panel shows a child blowing a dandelion and the seeds scattering. It says “and then the stars.” End ID)

sunset over bar harbor

[image description: a watercolor painting of a vivid sunset in purple, orange, red, and yellow, over a cluster of dark houses with illuminated windows. Three of the clouds are shaped like the silhouettes of whales swimming over the houses. The skyline is crisscrossed with telephone wires. /end i.d.]

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Reblogged

seaglass! acrylic on canvas, 2x2 feet, 2025

for those not in the know - this is a painting of my lucky seaglass, which has been put through the wringer recently. for much of last year it had been lost, but i found it eventually! then on new year's, i shattered it by knocking it off of a counter. it's glued back together now and lucky as ever, but i was devastated when i thought i'd ruined it forever, so i decided to paint it (on this huge canvas!) to immortalize it, should anything else happen to it!

[ID from alt: a large acrylic painting depicting a fragment of green seaglass with internal cracks. the cracks separate the color of the glass into bright greens, oranges, blues, and yellows. three sections have circular rippled glass chipping, in multicolor. the background is canvas white. End ID.]

i have interesting conversations sometimes with people who frame questions about psych abolition as "what will xyz look like in the post-psych world" or "how will antipsychiatrists make sure that mad people get their needs met once the psych system is destroyed" and so on.

it reflects this fairly common idea I've encountered, mostly by people who are newer to antipsych ideas, who believe that psych abolition is going to happen as some sort of single event, as this discrete moment where later, we'll be able to point to it and say this is where everything changed. That there will be one point where we deinstitutionalized or decriminalized drugs or got rid of restraint or whatever accomplishment it is. and to be fair, there are some of those watershed moments—I could point at Basaglia and the democratic psychiatry movement, the movimento antimanicomial, the Socialist Patients Collective, and a few other sticking points of psych resistance throughout the past couple hundred years. it's not like there aren't moments where there is such a monumental shift that it makes sense to classify it with a Before and an After.

part of this mindset makes me consider how so often in antipsych spaces, we (rightfully) focus a lot of our energy on highlighting the extent of the violence that occurs on the whole continuum of psychiatric care. it's hard to find words to express the horrors of solitary confinement, restraint, institutionalized sexual assault, confinement, coercive drugging—the list goes on and on. When we're so often dismissed with rhetoric telling us that we are broken/unsafe/mad in need of cure/removal/confinement—it feels desperately, urgently needed to shout as loudly as we can that the violence we are surviving is real, that is is common, and that it should not happen to anyone, regardless if we're incarcerated in prisons, jails, psych wards, or residential treatment facilities.

and at the same time, I think that sometimes we forget that even amidst the overwhelming layers of harm and abuse, there are still so many ways that psych survivors are already, every day, exhaustingly fighting back. it stands out to me that in every psych ward i've ever been locked up in, that there is always a parallel world of in-jokes and advice and rituals and fantasies and histories and community norms completely separate from the understanding of any of the psych professionals who think they run the place.

So often when I talk about the violence of psych incarceration I talk about the harm of being removed, disappeared, and cut off from the world; at the same time, there is always a simultaneous lively, active, and chaotic world inside built by patients that directly challenges the claims by psychiatrists that our madness makes us fundamentally incapable of participating in society. The patient-world in the psych ward might not be coherent, it might not be anywhere close to a utopia--but it is a world built by the psychiatrized, for the psychiatrized, taking the hostile conditions we are placed into and shaping the parts of it we can reach into something all our own.

Fundamentally, psych abolition is about what we are doing Right Now—it doesn't require us to wait for the End Of Psychiatry before it becomes real. I know psych abolition is possible because it already exists—I find it in the corners of psych wards, where intimate conversations are hidden from the view of cameras. I find it every time someone hides meds under their tongue, sneaks in contraband, and refuses to go quietly into restraint. I find it every time a group of friends gets together to do informal suicide watch so that no one has to call mobile crisis and the cops, fundraises to build a new peer respite, and creates a hotline that doesn't do nonconsensual interventions from cops/licensed professionals with the power to incarcerate.

I know psych abolition is possible because every fucking day, there are already people fighting back and making abolition real, even if only for a little while. My allegiance will always be with the psychiatrized, the mad, those who are labeled under many different pathways that end in "deviant," who remind us that there is a path towards resistance because it is a path that is already happening.

it is so incredibly unfair that inpatient psychiatrists are given the legitimacy to make sweeping judgements about our madness, twisting and shaping and classifying it into the schema that reassures their worldview when they have only ever seen us in conditions of confinement. if i am locked up, put in restraints, drugged against my will, kept from seeing the outside world for sometimes weeks at a time—my madness will respond incredibly differently to the hostile conditions of a total institution. How in the world can psychiatrists extend their analysis to make judgements about my illness/wellness/way of being in the world/way of being in my head? they have only ever seen the way I am Mad when i am surviving confinement. they have no idea what I look like when i am free.

of course i will start pacing for hours when I am locked up with nowhere to go. of course i will start screaming, and tear apart my room, and hurt myself when i am given no other options for exercising autonomy. of course i will become paranoid and start hearing things when I am under 24/7 surveillance, 15 minute checks, and cameras in every room. but every action i take is then used as evidence to fit me into a system of symptoms and diagnosis that are further used to justify my continued incarceration—it becomes an inescapable labyrinth, it becomes an irremovable cycle. every attempt to argue against their flawed interpretations just ends up as another bullet point on my medical record: "Patient lacks insight."

psychiatrists treat themselves as inherently and perfectly neutral—seeing themself not as an actor who is actively engaging and contributing to our experiences but as a removable spectator who can somehow cordon themselves off from madness (lest they catch it from us—don't you know madness is contagious?) the first confinement of psychiatry is the kind of confinement the psychiatrist does to themself: locking their emotions/perceptions/opinions behind the guise of scientific, objective neutrality. there is no psychiatry without confinement: they are bedfellows who rely on each other from the very conception of the field.

i could make a satirical joke about diagnosing psychiatrists with "Thinks They Can Be Neutral While Ignoring Their Material Conditions" disorder, but i don't want to reify their system of classifications even a little bit. What I want is to destroy the entire fucking system. it drives me crazy to watch this dynamic play out again and again and again with no recognition that putting people in conditions of confinement drastically shapes the way that we can then exist in that space.

it makes me sick—it makes me MAD.

Anonymous asked:

Since you're a trans person who talks about psych abuse I thought you'd be interested in a call for papers in the International Mad Studies Journal for specifically trans mad work. They publish academic work along with art and creative writing.

https://imsj.org

Even if you don't want to submit anything it's at least something to watch for!

oh sick, tysm! i've thought about submitting something to the journal before and this seems very up my alley. thanks!

i met so many completely lovely people in the psych ward. being on the trans unit was so fucking special and also really fucking funny--i had multiple mutual friends with people there, there were three people there besides me who had all gotten tattoos from our other mutual friend, my psych ward roommate was another harm reductionist who does outreach with a group that we also work with sometimes, everyone had really good taste in music and we would do things like get up at 7 am and start listening to harsh noise and then also listening to metal and having fake no touch mosh pits in the group room. genuinely i think the most community i've ever felt at the psych ward and they made it so much fucking easier to get through it.

still so fucking pissed that they put me on an involuntary hold and didn't even have the fucking dignity to tell me about it but the people there made it So much easier to get through it

i also need to bring up how coercive it is in psychiatric hospitals when they repeatedly tell every patient, "you're not okay without your meds; never quit your meds; you think you're okay without your meds but you aren't and you never will be," when the reality is that a lot of people are, it's healthier and frankly it is more ideal to cope with mental health issues without medication, psychiatric medications often have side effects that can be extremely distressing (more distressing than any "reason" to take it, on occasion), people often agree to take psychiatric medications without an understanding of their side effects and/or being lied to/misled about the severity (e.g. lack of informed consent), and on top of that, i'd guess that a good portion of relapses into mental health issues after long-term use of any psychiatric medication is more caused by the withdrawal from that medication. yet, god forbid you relapse into psychosis from antipsychotic withdrawal, you're basically fucked because now they have an even better excuse to say you need them and to force you to take them and to gaslight you and to wear down your willpower until you agree.

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